[MJME]

It is a week before Christmas and my husband and I are feeling emotionally distraught. Our son has dropped all lines of communication with us since May 2011. We are blocked on his cell phone. We are blocked on FB. He will not respond to our snail mails or emails. As loving parents we have always kept the lines of communication open. We send newsy letters once a month and visit once a year. We have always exchanged phones calls and gifts on birthdays and Holidays. We live in distant states from each other. My son is married seven years, has a wife and two beautiful children. A girl five and a boy two. As loving parents we sent gifts and cards this Christmas season but have had no response. I know we were advised by some of the members to just send a simple card at Christmas but my husband and I wanted to show them in good faith that we love them and we are thinking of them. We wanted to believe and act as if our relationship is normal and that they still love us. Maybe we are in denial. Member's answers have always been reassuring and helpful and I appreciate it. Four days ago we walked to visit my husband's mother(94) who lives in assisted living. She shared a Christmas card she had received from my son and family. I was devastated to say the least. I just can't get over this rejection and separation syndrome my son has us in. As of yesterday we have not received anything from our son. I keep reading over and over again the great responses from the members of the Ask Me Help Desk. I am feeling more needy these days so that is why I am writing to you all. Thank you. MJME

[J_9]

This is really a very hard time of year for everyone, and even harder for those going through situations such as yours. I am so sorry your heart is being broken the way it is. However, you have to protect your heart and your relationship with your husband.

As hard as it is, and I know from personal experience how hard this can be, you need to let go and move on. Unfortunately, whatever the problem is, or however it started, your son is siding with his wife. Is that right? No, not necessarily.

The more you send gifts, letters, cards, etc. the more you are pressuring him (in his and his wife's eyes) into having some semblance of a relationship with you. One of the best things you can do is just let go.

It's an old cliche' but it's true in cases like this... If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you it's yours.

You may very well be loving parents and grandparents, but apparently your son and DIL aren't feeling the same way at this point in time. There will come a day when your son sees the err of his ways, but for now you just have to let him go.

Again, I am sorry for your "loss," as this is a loss in your heart, but you have to stop all communications from your side. In the end, he will most likely come back to you. Again, I speak from experience. I now have a loving relationship with my two sons after almost a 20 year absence from them.

[joypulv]

I agree with the wonderful response above, except that I think I might send a newsy letter once a year, and gifts and cards to the grandchildren. Once a month seems a bit desperate and probably makes them uncomfortable, and there's no sense in acting like everything is normal.

I'm sorry about their card to your mother in law. There's nothing to say to soothe that hurt. (I didn't get along with my mother and would 'bypass' her in favor of grandparents too, but now all of them are gone.)

If you want to talk about what might be the basis for his rejection, please feel free to. Maybe there's a solution in it somewhere.

[joypulv]

OK, I read through about half of your older posts.
I do find a bit of reserve in you, something that won't bring differences out in the open. It's a little stilted. I want to rent you a movie like My Big Fat Greek Wedding or something. Families who have differing views, even children who grow away from the lives they grew up with, can find humor in duking it out. After some yelling and so on, maybe.
I had family descend on me last summer, and there were many teens and 20 - 30 year olds who ran amok. Upside down plates of food, doors wide open letting flies in, wet towels on furniture, the whole mess. I hit the roof. My brother's wife absolutely caters to her brood, doing everything for them. I never had children. There you have it; one woman wants everyone out of her kitchen and wants no destruction, and the other one runs around cleaning up after everyone. Sure we had some arguments, but the love stays. Love has to have tons of bending and forgiving and emotion and working things out. It's never black and white.

[MJME]

I have asked for reassurance before and I need some more advice.
Please help us. Thank you.

It will be almost a year since we communicated with our son. He is married and has two children 2 and 6. Since August 2011 my husband and I have sent gifts for birthdays and holidays and friendly greetings monthly and received no communication from my son. We have tried to call but he has us blocked.

I have a DIL that has attitude and she wants nothing to do with us. Her parents are the only grandparents in her book. Our son has told us in the past that he had to choose who he was going to have an alliance with and it had to be his family and not us.

Past post advice has been mixed. Some of you have said to completely cut the ties and wait until my son communicates again and others have said to keep the doors of communications open. My husband has always wanted to keep the door of communication open but now he feels that he wants to cut the ties until my son returns to us.

Please advise. Thank you.

[BethVader]

If I were you, I would examine the situation in all honesty with myself and
Really ask "What could I have done to make my son prefer his in-laws?"
Most people don't abandon their families without good reason, perhaps
There is something you may even be aware of that is still upsetting
Your son or his wife. If she felt slighted by you at some point, she may
Have negative feelings towards you. I doubt your son has cut you off from
Your grandchildren without what he considers to be a good reason.
Try to find out if there is some perceived injustice, then do your best
To rectify the situation, even if you must apologize. Sometimes you have
To eat a little crow to get what you want in life.
Good luck your situation, I hope you are able to make peace with your family.

[MJME]

[QUOTE=BethVader;3215293]If I were you, I would examine the situation in all honesty with myself and
Really ask "What could I have done to make my son prefer his in-laws?"
Most people don't abandon their families without good reason, perhaps
There is something you may even be aware of that is still upsetting
Your son or his wife. If she felt slighted by you at some point, she may
Have negative feelings towards you. I doubt your son has cut you off from
Your grandchildren without what he considers to be a good reason.
Try to find out if there is some perceived injustice, then do your best
To rectify the situation, even if you must apologize. Sometimes you have
To eat a little crow to get what you want in life.
Good luck your situation, I hope you are able to make peace with your family

MJME
You might benefit by reading earliar posts. There is a lot of water under the bridge. My husband and I are good people and we don't deserve to be treated like this. My son stopped communicating with us soon after my book was published which was in August of 2011. I tried several times to call his cell phone but he has our number blocked. There is not much we can do at this time but to wait until he is ready to start talking to us again.

[BethVader]

You might benefit from some self-examination as to what you might have done to drive him away. I love my Mother & Father to death, would do anything for them, and people don't just drop all contact with their parents without a good reason.
*And when you ask a question on here, people will respond to the question asked,
Not read you entire history of questions first. To insist that someone does, who was only
Trying to help, is rather presumptuous.

[joypulv]

You have been asking for two separate things, reassurance and advice.
I gave you advice which you chose to bypass. BethVader gave you advice which you bristled at. You feel that you 'don't deserve to be treated like this' and want only to hear validation of that. I for one, based on reading all your other posts, cannot give it, because I find you stilted and rigid, with no softness, no tenderness, no tears of why. Just anger and resentment that you don't deserve it. You probably don't deserve to be totally cut off, but when your children are adults, your control is over, and you have to compromise and sometimes even give up.

[BethVader]

I absolutely could not agree more with the above comment. Thank you joypulv for saying exactly what I was thinking. I could not have stated it better.