[iambubzy]

Trying to sum this up as best as I can.

I dated a guy for about 2 1/2 years total, would have been 3 on 01/30/12. And every time we would break up, things seemed to get a little bit better each time. Because we both realized our mistakes and grew from it, I guess you could say. I was guilty of trying to resurface his past as form to hurt him in an argument/fight, him as well with mine.. Well this past time seemed to be for good, we broke up mid-April, right before I graduated. My family never really liked him because they said I could do so much better- I mean every family is like that, it's a given. They always told me I was wasting my time, he would never amount up to me, etc etc. Well looking back on it now, I feel like they influenced my decision WAY more than they ever should have. I don't need input on anything dealing with my age, but I'm 18 so now I can literally say 'I can make my own decisions for my own life without your approval'. Back on subject: since we've broken up in April, due to being a newfound freshman in college, I found myself feeling as vibrant as ever. Dressing up more than I used to, showing I had confidence even though sometimes I felt like I didn't.. I know my options increased greatly when I got to college. I didn't mess around with any guys but have 'talked' to a few here and there, and am recently seeing someone now. (Who is a great guy, but lacks motivation. Is severely depressed. And has self issues.) which makes me worried because I really don't see him going anywhere in life other than stuck in this small excuse for a town. My point is, during all the times I had myself occupied with other guys, he was still always there in the back of my mind. Yeah there was always an amount of time he wasn't, but it wasn't long before he planted himself right back in there.

Looking back on it, a lot of the problems I feel like revolved around me and my self-confidence. Because I have none whatsoever. He would always try to make me feel better by telling me I looked nice, or beautiful, but I just told myself he was lying. We would always go places and I would have this mindset that everyone was looking at us thinking why the HAIL is HE with HER? Like . - and I feel like that made things worse. But I weighed out the pros & cons, here are some:

C: He was intimidated by me. I hadn't had any type of job before but I always had this independent state of mind, and now that I'm 'old enough' I can really get on that independent train. I never really liked him to by me things and in return that caused a portion of our fights because I felt like he should save his money for him, but of course being a guy - it's what you men like to do, buy things for your women to show you appreciate her.

C: He had insecurities which someone helped(?) myself esteem; he would tell me all the time he was afraid when I went to college I would find someone better than him that would realize how amazing I really was and would take me from him. So that goes to show he had issues as well.

P/C: He was bad about seeming controlling at times because he didn't get to see me much at FIRST; then we worked on that, it got a little easier when he got a better job. But in order for us to start over, he has to understand that being away from each other will make it so much better when we finally get to see each other.

P: I love his family to death. I guess mainly because they have that sense of family I will never have with mine. Yeah mine has family love, but his gets together every weekend just about it and has barbecues and just drinking by the fire. (Not saying that's the best thing in the world but it's just that sense of being around people that are truly down to earth and just love to be laid back is what I loved.)

P: I KNOW I was his motivation for a job. Mainly because when we kept getting stronger as a couple, we started getting really serious. Talking about places to live together, and jobs, and kids (future) - but it made him want to have a job to take me places and I guess somewhat provide for our future, if that makes any sense.

P: He always loved me.. Through everything. We always stuck out our problems and even when I was the stubborn one to pick a fight, he would always be first to say drop it, I love you, and be done with it. And I carried on, my immature fault. We argued and fought over petty, stupid stuff. We were both immature. And since such times, we have matured a lot- been through a handful of trials in our own lives, which gives me a sense of hope that maybe we can finally do it right.

I just need help on what to do. He was and is my first love; and I know I'm still in love with him because he is the only one that resurfaces EVERY time. I dated my 2nd boyfriend (only had 2 total) for about 4 months, and I felt strongly for him - told him I loved him - and actually got over the first for the whole time. But I wasn't in love with him and it was so easy for me to drop him and get over him. But I feel like an idiot and it really has been selfish of me to try and move on and yeah know pick around at my options when I tried to tell myself I was over him but really wasn't. I know people are capable of change, but I'm sick of doing the broken record game. But a bigger part of me just wants to do it just one more time.. Whether I get hurt from it and end up right back where I was before, it just feels worth it.

I read something that just stuck out to me.. And it's: "If you want to go back to a place that felt like home, you have to rebuild the foundation up again." ~ and maybe we're capable of that..

Sorry for seeming like a D.A. - just really torn on the right choice. Some tell me I'm really overthinking things, but I don't know. Advice? Please and thank you!

[iambubzy]

I forgot to add there:

*He wrote me on my birthday and told me happy birthday. And we've been talking ever since, just rekindling a friendship at least. Asking how each other is, how are the families, etc... that was 12/10 it's now 12/18 - but the fact that we're actually communicating and I'm not sitting up in my room wondering and thinking until tears surface in my eyes makes it different.

It would probabl help to add that I had a MC and it was in fact, his. I was 9 weeks along. So maybe that's another reason why it's so hard...

[talaniman]

Do the math,

Well this past time seemed to be for good, we broke up mid-April, right before I graduated.

Mid April to 12/18 = 8 months??

I think its very normal to still have feelings for an ex of a few years from high school. MANY things can stir up old feelings when we were so strongly attached.

Keep exploring your new world, learning, and growing. Its one thing to have feelings, yet another to act on them. Don't act on those feelings just yet. I think you are still fresh from the old intensity right now.

[iambubzy]

Lol this last time I just remembered was around mid-April. Were not back together and prob wouldn't be for a while if even at all. I'm still exploring my options and love having the ability to do so. Just confusing when the gut feeling is always there.

[vanheart]

"He always loved me"

Never project your feelings on someone else.

If he really loved you, he would be with you. Right? Not broken up.

That isn't the case. This is all in your head. Girl fantasy stuff.

Meet new guys.

[iambubzy]

I broke up with him. He continuously asked me for a month straight to "not do this" until I got so anything said some very mean things to him and he finally left me alone. I guess a part of me didn't want him to stop.

[vanheart]

Good for you.
Problem solved.

Glad you got the message.

Now, on to the fun.
Forward.

Never be someone's option. Or a stalker. That's lame & degrading.