[Xinren]

I have a relationship with him for 2 years. There are a lot of problems. Like he has 2 boys, one is very difficult. And I want to have my own kid, but he doesn't. His ex-wife cheated him with his best friend and he became a little bit too much react if I come home late from work. He asks me often swear to my passed-away mother that I would never cheat him.
I really wanted to have a child. And he don't want but also don't want to separate, and ask me to take action in my end if I wanted. It is been nearly 1 year we still not yet really separate. But I already decide will move next month to another city. But One day he secretly checked my email and found the message from my-ex. (he sent sometimes instantmessager en say he still miss me. Mostly I try to avoid, but I sent back " I miss you too :)". But there is no other things between us. Guess I just want to keep friendly. Now I really distroyed him, he thinks all the women are lier (after his ex- and me). He is in pain and out of rage. I apologize and explained this is only a friendly response but not verder. But he lose trust on me and really in pain. He drinks and smokes, hurting himself. He also call me lier, which I feel sorry but I understand.

I know we have to separate because I want to have child. But not to hurting him and make him lost trust for people. How can I help him?

[DaniCalifornia]

He needs to resolve his paranoia himself, it has nothing to do with you, as it's his past. Do you feel like he will ever change his mind with having another child? What reason does he give for not wanting any more?

X Dani

[Xinren]

Thanks Dani. Reason is 1) I am too old. (39), children could be sick 2)I would not treat his children good enoegh exactly the same as my old child, which will hurt his children 3) if I have a sick child then his life will be over. 4) He have to do a lot for the kid. Because I have been once showing worrying of having a baby.he think I am not capable of taking care of child. 5) if we have another child, our relationship will become difficult.
I know I am old, but I really want to try. I am still healthy; I will try my best to be a resposible mother.
That is very difficult: On the one hand I know I need a child, to try at least a chance to be a mother, on the other hand I love him too, this want-to-be-mother power and the love to him already teard me up.
I have been many times trying to give up my own wish, but I cannot, I feel desperate. And I also become very unhappy and unhappiness makes the relationship unstable.

Then I told him I still wanted child. Hij is at the beginning say yes, and then no, but 2 years nothing happened. But my biology cock tiks down, I have to choose. He refused but say to me if I want to separate I have to do it myself. He will never agree. And I decide to move back to my country and make a distance to let it happen.( I go to alone for hollidayotherwise he would not accept)next month.

And now things going dramatically out of control, He is hurt by my stupid not careful thought with my ex. He is totally in pain. He hated me too. I apolligize and try to explain, but is powerless against his pain. He is a naif simple fellow. He is very honest. He told me a lot of girls around him always try to get him but He never cheated me. And now he lose his selfconfidence. He think my ex-boyfriend is laugfing at him, ( This is not true, my ex- and he send sometimes a message to me, in the sentences still say nice thing to me, I response rarely,keep friendly. [2 years 10 returned message]but indeed I have been texted once 'I miss you too' with a smiley. But I never meet him personal again after I have a new relationship to now. I did not let him know I am actually live near his city to avoid meeting each other )I do feel shame I this response in a not proper way, though this is not de meaning to flirt. But I feel also unfair he address me to get such a name: cheater and lier.

Anyway, I will handle myself, but I don't know how to help him: Should I talked to his mom and comfort him
Or Should I talk to him, but in which way to let him understand people are not so bad as he thought. There are many loyal girls outthere too.( He said he is finished with woman, and want to be gay)

What shall I do?

[DaniCalifornia]

It would be more difficult, but 39 isn't too old. I'm 20 and my dad is 41. He still wants more children!

A main point is, that you're together. He must think to an extent that you're good enough to raise a child, as you're there around HIS. Relationships are difficult with children anyway. He needs to get over what you said to your ex. It wasn't THAT bad. You're not cheating, after all.

What you have to think about, is THIS the man you want to have them with? He's unsupportive, he doesn't believe in you and neither of you sound happy. Or are you just desperate for a baby?

Wait, what? He said he wants to be gay?

I think it should be HIM writing here. It sounds like he has a lot of problems that he needs to open up and admit.

X Dani

[Jake2008]

Have you considered the health of your relationship itself? From what you have written, there are a lot of problems between the two of you, and yet you are desperate to have a baby with him?

There is nothing positive to come from a bad relationship, that brings a child into this world. It will not change anything, it will only add to the stress, pressures, and an already bad situation.

If you cannot accept his decision not to have a child, it is time to move on, hopefully to a healthier situation that will provide a loving home, with a man who wants a baby, and a family life, with you.

It is okay to have the goal of being in (hopefully) good, solid marriage, with the common goal of starting a family. It is not okay in my book, to bring a child into this world that is not wanted, and in circumstances that don't sound like they'll get any better.

Please think long and hard about staying, hoping he will change his mind. If he doesn't, move on. He will not likely agree to a baby just to keep you in his life. And you are wasting time staying, trying to resolve this issue.

[Xinren]

Thanks Jake2008. You are right. I would not want to bring a child to a world with no expection van de father. And a warm family. That is exactly what I thank to. That is also why the relationship going to an endding fase.
Out of guilt and love, hoop to find a way to help him out of this difficulty, which can also make me moving on.