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erotic_dreams · Dec 11, 2011, 08:55 PM

My fiancÃ© and I have been together for about 6 years. We have a great relationship except for the lack of intimacy. No hugs. No kisses. No hand holding. The only sex that we experience regularly is me performing oral sex on him. When it comes to intercourse he can not hold an erection. When I give him oral sex he has no problem holding the erection and even reaching an orgasm. He refuses to assist me with an orgasm. He has told me numerous of times that I have several toys for that. He has told me that he could not stand the smell of me since I was a smoker. He complained for 4 years about me smoking and I finally quit. I had high hopes of more intimacy. It did not happen that away. Now the problem is my weight. I gained a lot of weight since I quit smoking and now it is a problem for him. He still enjoys the oral sex. In the amount of time we have been together we have had intercourse maybe 20 times. 20 times in 6 years and if I do ask for it he complains that all I ever want is sex. I have given up on the sex. Only sex I do have is to give him oral. I have tried to express my feelings and he always says it is me that denies him sex. He has tried numerous of times in the past to get me aroused only to want nothing but oral and then I am left extremely frustrated. What can I do? Is this really normal?

Synnen · Dec 12, 2011, 09:10 AM

Nope... not normal at all.

What can you do? Well, you can leave this jerk that doesn't do anything for YOU, or you can stop giving him head until he does something for you.

You ALLOW him to treat you this way by caving in to giving him oral sex before he satisfies you.

JudyKayTee · Dec 12, 2011, 10:33 AM

Not even CLOSE to normal. I'm amazed you put up with this. You are basically saving him the time and trouble of masturbating.

I'd talk to him and if that doesn't work I'd be gone.

smoothy · Dec 12, 2011, 11:02 AM

And you have wasted 6 years of your life so far with him for WHAT reason?

Sounds more like you are friends and a booty call at his beckoning. Than in any sort of a real relationship.

DaniCalifornia · Dec 13, 2011, 04:30 AM

I frowned when I read this, and I'm afraid I have to agree with the others.

X Dani

Saemm · Dec 13, 2011, 04:47 PM

Wow! I can't believe your with this jerk. No, that's not normal

Cat1864 · Dec 14, 2011, 07:39 AM

It sounds like it is normal for him.

How old are both of you and are there any known medical or drug related reasons for his erectile problems? Has he been diagnosed with any conditions that might hamper his ability to fully interact with another person? If there aren't any or he refuses to discuss the possibility that he might be the one with issues, then I think you should examine the rest of the relationship. I don't think it is as great as you want to believe.

My impression of him from your post is that he is using you. All of the issues are yours-not his. You aren't 'perfect' so he doesn't have to try. When you are 'perfect' then he will give you what you want. That is not how a relationship should work. There is no such thing as being 'perfect'. He isn't 'perfect' why should you be? All you can do is be you and love yourself. A relationship should enhance how you feel about yourself and encourage you to want to share the feeling. It is about giving and receiving. You seem to give a lot. What are you receiving?

If I were in your place, I would give him one chance to talk to me about the issues in the relationship. I might consider counseling if and only if the rest of the relationship really is going great. I would not be giving him oral sex. I wouldn't be attempting to touch him. He would have to show me that he is willing to work with me. No more trying to satisfy someone who can't or won't be.

I would be working on my relationship with myself. I would be doing things for myself that build up my self-esteem. It may be exercising. Volunteering. Going to community classes and learning new hobbies. It might be making new friends and catching up with old ones. It might be taking classes that will enhance my work. But anything I do will be for me.

When you love yourself it makes it harder to accept being treated as less than you are worth by someone else. This male may not be the one for you. There will be someone else in your future who will love all of you and treasure you as the person you are instead of what he can change about you.

Aurora_Bell · Dec 14, 2011, 07:59 AM

I have to agree, it sounds like he is using you. Sounds like he gets what he wants and makes every excuse for not giving you what you want/need. If he didn't like the fact that you smoked, why stay for 6 years? If he is un-happy about the weight you have gained, then he doesn't love you for you. Get out!