[greyraven]

Okay.. My hubby and I were watching "Belle De Jour" last night (an early 70's film), and the heroine asks her husband "Did he ever go to whorehouses before her" He answers kindly, "yes, though not often" and then he said a latin quote that translated means "Retained Semen Becomes Venom".

For some reason this quip really stood out to me.


Why is it that I never knew that Woman is just some kind of human toilet for men to "piss" or "sh*t" their sperm into?

Why aren't women told the truth about "love"?

How can I be 40 years old and not have known something about this earlier?

My hubby and I are currently having a lot of difficulties in the sex arena. I really need a break, he wants sex constantly. So yeah, I guess I feel like I'm supposed to be a willing human toilet!

Recently he stopped trying with me and started up a "secret life of porn". I was horrified!

Is it like that to be a man?

I don't know what to think about love or sex anymore... I just feel disgusted and tricked. I don't want to be a toilet! D-:

Help! I know this is not a good attitude!

GR

[RickJ]

Why oh why would you relate some stupid thing said on a stupid TV show to how your husband feels?

[Synnen]

I think what's she's saying is that there were other things going on, and THEN this quote jumped out at her.

I remember a time when my husband (who was then my boyfriend) and I were having some problems. I don't even remember what the problems were, offhand. Anyway, we watched a movie called "Virus" (I think). The gist of the plot is that some form of biological warfare gets out of control, and the only people left in the world end up being the scientists in Antarctica (the virus can't live in extreme cold). Of those people still alive (there are 100 or so) only FIVE are women.

On the night they find out that they are the last people on earth, one of the women is violently raped by SEVERAL of the men, men that before this were mild-mannered scientists. They attempt to bring charges, and the man who is running things tells them that "it's a natural urge and that since there are only 5 of you, you're going to become bed partners in shifts, so that we can get the highest number of combinations of genes into the gene pool" One woman killed herself that night rather than do this.

It appalled me that in one fell swoop, centuries of progress had been reversed, and women were once again owned, used, and considered to be worth nothing other than sex partners and baby carriers. And these were highly educated women!

My husband didn't understand why I was so upset. I'm STILL upset about that movie. It drives me CRAZY that people could and can be reduced to animals so easily.

SO... back to the original point... You're right, it's not a healthy attitude about sex, but the only thing I can suggest is that you get some counseling from a sex therapist to help you determine WHY you feel that way, exactly. Needing a break isn't TOO unusual, and it's hard to consider it a break when you're still being pressured. Consider the alternative, though! Wouldn't it be infinitely worse if your husband didn't still find you attractive?

You need to resolve why you are so put off by sex, and why you need a break, and I think the only way to do that is to see a counselor.

Good luck.

[greyraven]

Why oh why would you relate some stupid thing said on a stupid TV show to how your husband feels?

"Belle De Jour" is no "stupid TV show", it's one of the most intellectualized portrayals of human sexuality ever dramatized.

You comment misses the point, but thanks for trying :rolleyes: (not)

[valinors_sorrow]

Since you know its not a good attitude, then I'll take a good portion of what you said as venting too. But that doesn't mean there isn't a legitimate problem and I agree with what Synnen said with only with this to add:

Sexual relation problems are often other problems being channeled into the sexual arena. Without the means to identify it and work it out, a trip to a marriage counselor for both of you might be a better place to start. Its amazing what an aphrodisiac it is to have an emotionally rich and safe relationship out of the bedroom. Just a thought born out of my own experience.

[Synnen]

Darn it, Val... have to spread it. But excellent answer!

If your husband won't go with you, get to SOME sort of counseling. Just being able to talk to an impartial outsider with training is sometimes a GREAT help.

However, don't expect one or two trips to fix things. You will need to go to a counselor for a while to make sure you're "fixing" the right thing.

[Fr_Chuck]

We can not judge and should not judge our lives from that of TV or movies, most are not real and even if they "are" it does not mean that type of relationship exists among the rest of us.

In sexaual relationships there are those that like same sex, other sex, all sex, some actually like to be beaten, or choked as their turn on, others have people use the restroom on the actually.

What you describe is not real life, since men don't think that, that man in the movie was a actor playing a role of a man who someone though did believe that.

Will some in the world believe it, most likely, but most don't believe that, and to try and judge your spouse from the action of a TV show is silly and shows a lack of full respect and understanding.

I will note you sound angry about your relationship, but you need to judge YOUR relatioinship, as it is, not as you think it is, or as it appeared in a movie.

[NeedKarma]

I watched Monster with my wife last night... now I only see her as a lesbian serial murderer.

[valinors_sorrow]

Wow, I think a number of you are really missing the point here. She used the movie as a way to articulate some real stuff going wrong in her relationship, and in her own sexuality. I don't think that is so hard to see even if she is being a bit more graphic than, say, I would be. At least its not the rambling, misspelled txt messg crp we see sometimes.

Are you all so unsophisticated that you can't see that or uncaring enough to risk appearing crass to her when she risked putting some tough stuff out here? Have a bunch of you really lost your sense of compassion here?

If so, then maybe you need a long break? It does wonders to refresh -- I know firsthand.
Or maybe you need to consider not answering some of the questions when you aren't sure you can be genuienly helpful.

I can appreciate as much as anyone else all the horse puckey we see here but frankly, I don't see any evidence of that in this one yet. Even tough love, when necessary to use, is founded first in love.

What gives NeedKarma, Fr Chuck, Janine and Rick? I have to say -- that was collectively stunning.

[Allheart]

I do hear what you are saying Grey. You were already having real difficult feelings inside and the movie seemed to be a mirror of what you were feeling.

I so get it.

You have incredible advice here and I do wish you all the best. Getting to the root of what is causing this upset will be so liberating for you.

We are always here and I do wish you the very best!

[NeedKarma]

What gives NeedKarma, Fr Chuck, Janine and Rick? I have to say -- that was collectively stunning.

Because the extrapolation involved in painting all men as viewing women as human toilets was stunning to me.

[valinors_sorrow]

Because the extrapolation involved in painting all men as viewing women as human toilets was stunning to me.

So does that mean for you that one rough viewpoint + one jab = a constructive dialogue?

Granted, I had to think about my response while I let time disfuse how that hit me too. But I am used to doing that. And to be as pointed as you can be sometimes, nowhere does she say all men believe this, only that she gets that impression from both the movie and her husband, so that really leaves you out Bob. If you want to take that on as personal, feel free but you did it yourself. And my point in this part of it is THAT only compounds the trouble here instead of reducing it.

[talaniman]

Grey raven, it has been my experience that sexual problems between couples are usually the tip of the iceberg so I can only ask what has changed in your relationship besides the sex?

[NeedKarma]

...nowhere does she say all men believe this

Is it like that to be a man?

That.

[valinors_sorrow]

In deference to the OP's topic... whatever you say, NeedKarma even if I consider that a bit of a reach on your part and an expression of her questioning her views, apparently it was a personal affront to you. We'll just have to agree to disagree on this one.

[valinors_sorrow]

Maybe it is a residual from the popotito fiasco but something does not ring true here. The movie disturbs her greatly, bringing out almost a rage of buried emotions, and then she goes on to defend it in her comment to Rick. Call me a pessimist.

I think the Popotito fiasco knife cuts both ways. There are OP's here that are nothing short of total nonsense. But there are also responses that are fast harsh judegements and unloving confrontations that are equally as lacking in grace. Two longterm members recently confided in me that this very behavior of some of the long timers here is driving them off. It takes some doing to know how to lovingly confront the bs behavior without getting out a sharp stick and poking someone's eye out. Its important to answer constructively. And when confronting what good it is if you alienate the person in the process or make them defensive? What? Just to score some kind of points? That isn't what we should be about here or if it is, count me out. Forgive me but I still think you guys blew it here and we would ALL be better off if you had just taken a pass on this one. The easiest way to end nonsense is to not respond to it -- blue should have alteast impressed us with that one. And if you thought the OP was inappropriate, then take the appropriate action instead of firing back.

[J_9]

Well, Val, I will delete my posts then. I just thought the analogy was disgusting is all.

[valinors_sorrow]

Well, Val, I will delete my posts then. I just thought the analogy was disgusting is all.

You can't Janine, it's a comment on Rick's post and would only disappear if he deleted his. Thank you for hearing my point. I woulnd't have made such a fuss if it weren't for the fact that three of the four have expert moderator or administrator responsibilities here.

[J_9]

Yes, Val I totally hear your point. But I am a loving, caring, nurturing, WOMAN, wife, mother, and nurse-to-be. And I take offense being compared to a toilet.

[greyraven]

I find it extremely refreshing that many of you are really offended by the idea of Woman = Human Toilet. That it is as shocking a concept to you as it was to me means that maybe I'm not as dumb as I've been told I am.

To the "pessimist" who said I defended the movie after supposedly trashing it. Huh? It's a very thoughtful, very excellent movie in every way and is thought well of by any true movie buff. Do a Google of Bunuel (the director) and you'll see what I mean. It's not "Friends" so don't watch it without your thinking cap on. ^_~

The movie itself does not reflect my life or character at all. A line quoted in latin IN the movie set me off. The movie itself is kind of beside the point.

But to those of you who've actually been able to say something positive, or to empathise with me at all, I really appreciate it.