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jr2312831 · Nov 28, 2011, 12:11 AM

I know this is something a little personal but I just don't know what to do or who to ask that I know since we both have the same friends.

Well to start with, I am 7 1/2 months pregnant and my boyfriend and I live together in an apartment. We have been together for 2 1/2 years and were best friends before that for more than a year. Our relationship has been going great but our sex life has just slowed down a little bit since he works two jobs (we do it like once or twice a week). It's not me though because I am still very willing and even suggest sex many times but he's not in the mood or tries to change the subject. Well, I know he looks up porn many times and it does concern me a little since I'm pregnant it makes me feel like I'm not attractive. It still doesn't lower down my confidence though... And I understand he's just a guy, I even look it up myself at times too. I don't take that as a big deal.

Well this weekend I went out of town for Saturday since my family threw me a baby shower. Since I use his computer to upload pictures, as I was on the internet I went to the history and saw that he had been looking up prostitutes on Saturday, while I was gone. I'm not sure how to take this, I feel hurt but I know he didn't hire one. What bothers me is what his intentions could have been...

Now I don't know what to do or if I should confront him, how I should do it. Help!

DaniCalifornia · Nov 28, 2011, 06:04 AM

Are you sure he wasn't curious as to just see whether it was legal, or if it exists where you are, and it was just innocent googling? I've had some odd yet innocent things in my history.

X Dani

JudyKayTee · Nov 28, 2011, 06:46 AM

You're in a relationship. You discuss problems and issues.

Ask him!

Awake · Nov 28, 2011, 08:36 AM

Of course talking to him is the only thing you can do to ease your mind and clear the air. But because you are posting this on the internet, I assume you want honest answers and experiences, right?

I have been in a somewhat similar situation with my first boyfriend I was with for 7 years. For the first couple years, I was oblivious to his cheating ways and found out from a friend.. He lied about it, blah blah blah, I occasionally checked in on him and would always find stuff I didn't want to see. For example, he visited BBW sites, posted on craigslist for a discreet sexual relationship (with BBW), email and text conversations that were sexual.. It was pretty awful. He didn't cheat on me because I wasn't having sex with him or whatever, he just wanted something I couldn't give him... 300 lbs. But me catching him doing things like this happened MANY times and it was the same thing over and over. And it was things he couldn't deny. I only say this is similar because I have found things involving sex that my boyfriend has looked at that gave me that impression and it scared me. I say you keep your trust in him, talk to him about it until you are satisfied that you have the whole truth and go from there. I know that I have looked things up on the internet that would seem strange, but it was just out of curiosity. You can find anything on the internet and we are human so we get curious. But if you don't know how to talk to him.. I would say sit him down and let him know you need to talk. If he seems nervous, give him a chance to confess if he needs to. If not, proceed with telling him you stumbled upon something on his computer. Let him know you were not looking for it, but you found it and you are upset about it. I hope I didn't jumble that up too much.. Best of luck!

jr2312831 · Nov 28, 2011, 06:50 PM

Yeah I understand I mean I'm not trying to jump into conclusions or anything but it just caught me off guard and I didn't know what to do. I guess curiosity could have something to do with it but I just can't see why be curious about something like that out of nowhere. Lately he's been hanging out with friends from work pretty often and I know that they are the type to be into those kinds of things. I don't know if that would have anything to do with it since they tend to try to talk him into things a lot. He was looking for those services in our city and it wasn't just a little bit either. I don't want to overreact or anything that is why I haven't said anything yet but I don't want to let it go and then later regret that I didn't catch on.

JudyKayTee · Nov 28, 2011, 06:53 PM

Originally Posted by Awake

Of course talking to him is the only thing you can do to ease your mind and clear the air. But because you are posting this on the internet, I assume you want honest answers and experiences, right?

I've posted this before - people who don't want to post their background and "credentials" on line are NOT necessarily totally without a clue.

People post on AMHD because they are looking for answers and opinions and, yes, experience is nice BUT not everyone has been through every experience.

It is not true that only people with experience know what they are talking about. We have very well educated people who deal with sexual and personality issues every day... without having experienced the same problem.

As I said earlier - I can relate to the legal questions even though I've never had a legal problem.

Fr_Chuck · Nov 28, 2011, 07:22 PM

So he looked up hookers, you know he did not hire one, so what is there to be upset about ? He looks at porn, perhaps he was looking at some of the hooker sites hoping to find some pornish type photos.

God help me if you were my wife with all the sites I look up for research here or just get nosy. I look up what hookers charge, how much pot costs on the street, I have messages some of the hookers asking them opinions about questions we have on here.

So he looked at a web site. It is time to stop using his computer or get over what sites he looks at.

JudyKayTee · Nov 29, 2011, 07:28 AM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

So he looked up hookers, you know he did not hire one, so what is there to be upset about ? He looks at porn, perhaps he was looking at some of the hooker sites hoping to find some pornish type photos.

God help me if you were my wife with all the sites I look up for research here or just get nosy. I look up what hookers charge, how much pot costs on the street, I have messages some of the hookers asking them opinions about questions we have on here.

So he looked at a web site. It is time to stop using his computer or get over what sites he looks at.

I was thinking the Same thing. I'm always looking up laws, some of which searches could be questioned. Of course, there is always the "snooping" argument. If you do choose to snoop, be prepared for what you might find.

Of course, this is the very stuff that keeps me employed.

Xerxes12 · Nov 30, 2011, 09:14 AM

So many answers. Each of us with our own thoughts. Mine are a little along the lines of Father. First, you are using his computer and browsing his history. No, not appropriate. That's similar to going through his phone and reviewing every call he received and text message. If you are doing this, that just screams "I don't trust him" and well, that's not part of a healthy relationship.

Since you "stumbled" on this history - yes, ask him. Don't accuse, just ask. And be ready to listen.

You are pregnant. Some men do NOT find their wives appealing at all during this period, meaning they are not sexually attracted to them. That doesn't mean they do not love their wife, just that she does not make his penis wake up. Pregnancy passes and then you BOTH work on making the relationship move back to a state of trust and pleasure. If he does find you attractive, super. But again, humans are curious silly beings and sometimes this can lead others to making assumptions about us that are just not right.

All my best wishes, ~X

SentientAndroid · Dec 15, 2011, 08:05 AM

Yeah I agree with Dani, it could very well have simply been innocent "googling". I know I Google and wiki some very random things. I just googled Liger, Axolotl and Blobfish just yesterday :/

Or he could've had the intent, you won't know unless you ask. I have a similar incident. I'm a graphic designer and just last month I was getting myself back familiar with web design. I had made a mock porn website with images of my girlfriend a couple years ago because I had the idea of us starting an amateur couple web site to make some extra bread. At the time she was greatly against the idea, but finally gave in and she gave me the green light to go ahead. About a week later she told me hell no, she's not about to be involved with the whole internet porn thing (which was completely understandable). BUT I had already started on the site.

So forward back to last month, I'm using the old site to get familiar with the coding and css styles so that I can start making other sites, but I previewed our old amateur porn site a few times on the web browser. It was 100% innocent and I was using trial and error on the old amateur porn site to figure out how I did some of the effects. Anyway she checks the history, sees the site and you can imagine what went down after I got home from work. She thought that I actually had a site up on the web, like "www.amateurporn.com", but when you preview a work-in-progress site on a web browser, it's not anywhere on the net because you actually have to purchase a domain and upload the actual web pages/documents to an online server. I explained everything to her and she didn't believe me at first, but it was what it was. Just sit him down and talk about it. Communication is key.

Wherethewindblo · May 8, 2012, 07:06 PM

This is an interesting question. I think that life is about balance and with that reference point. Not much matters if the focus in a relationship is in balance. It always seems when I man starts to do some things taboo in society that it all of sudden is considered cheating. In a relationship we need to think about two people not just one or the other. So If two are happy and two are doing the things that make the other happy then there will not be a need for concern. However, if one forgets the needs of the other including sex then the other may be left to consider other paths which may not be so healthy.

I have been in a sexless marriage for 15 years and I tried for the first 8 to maintain myself responsibly. After some pursuasion by a certain friend gave in. At first I felt guilty, but then I was not taking anything away from my wife that she wanted.

I do admit when my wife was pregnant and we were not intimate for several months I was going missing sex intensely. I think at that time if I had the opportunity I most likely would have strayed.

A man need sex as does a woman. It is just more directly connected in men. So if you don't want a man to stray show him love the way he understands it, and you will never have to worry. A man really wants to be with the women he loves first. However, it is not always the women who is interested in being together in that way. It takes a lot to stray it is not as easy as it seems. It is stressful and in the end not that satisfying as it is to be with someone you love. But then leave a man neglected and it only goes down hill from there. So get involved in intimacy and make it exciting like is it supposed to be. Why did you think the Indians invented Kama Sutra. It was to prepare and enhance marriage. BTW there are six type the erotic type is only one.

JudyKayTee · May 9, 2012, 04:33 AM

Originally Posted by Wherethewindblo

... After some pursuasion by a certain friend gave in. At first I felt guilty, but then I was not taking anything away from my wife that she wanted. ... I do admit when my wife was pregnant and we were not intimate for several months I was going missing sex intensely. I think at that time if I had the opportunity I most likely would have strayed.

A man need sex as does a woman. It is just more directly connected in men. So if you don't want a man to stray show him love the way he understands it, and you will never have to worry. A man really wants to be with the women he loves first. However, it is not always the women who is interested in being together in that way. It takes a lot to stray it is not as easy as it seems. It is stressful and in the end not that satisfying as it is to be with someone you love. But then leave a man neglected and it only goes down hill from there. So get involved in intimacy and make it exciting like is it supposed to be. Why did you think the Indians invented Kama Sutra. It was to prepare and enhance marriage. BTW there are six type the erotic type is only one.

I find this offensive - your wife was pregnant with YOUR child, living with all sorts of changes in and to her body and you would have strayed if youhad had the chance because you weren't getting enough sex to keep you satisfied?

Poor you.

Neglect in your eyes is not a reason to stray in my opinion. "Leave a man neglected and it goes downhill from there"? Read the Adult Sexuality Boards. MOST of the "we're not having sex" questions are posted by women. In general, all women have to do is be there. Men have to perform.

You will eventually reach a stage or age or place in life where performance for a short period or a long period will become difficult or perhaps impossible. Your wife has your permission to stray under those conditions?

Your "advice" is poorly thought out and insulting to women.