[monimunchkin]

Hi, my mum and dad are just over 60 and 7 years ago they separated (been married for 30 years). It wasn't a mutual separation, mum was surprised but all of us kids (4 of us) weren't because mum had been so painful to be around. We didn't have hard feelings towards my dad at the time because he said there wasn't another woman but then very soon afterwards we realised there was so it caused a massive rift in the family and has taken a long time to heal our relationship with our dad.

Anyway after 2 years mum and dad got back together. Dad said he couldn't live in the family home anymore so they moved back to his home town which is across the other side of the country - mum agreed even though she and his side of the family did not get on. Anyway they seemed to be "ok" - not a really loving relationship at all but content.

Things have steadily gotten worse though. Mum is just so irrational and just right out rude. She has just done a runner and left the house where no one could get ahold of her or knew where she was - eventually I managed to find out she was OK and now she's saying she's just been crying all week and acting really weird; she won't open up on the phone but my sister and I when we speak to her think she's being really fake on the phone - it's just very hard.

Dad has totally had enough and close friends are saying she's very depressed. She's pushing all of us kids away from her by her blatant rude attitude and we're all a bit lost because we love her and want to help but at the same time she is simply a ***** (I don't know how else to describe). Dad is no support but she knew that when she took him back so we're just not sure what to say or do anymore. It's as if she expects us to be calling her up every day and saying thank you for giving birth to us and tell her how wonderful she is - she had been referring to us as "you people" this "you people" that... But we have always been grateful to both of parents and our relationship with our dad is great now.

It's really hard to explain but she has a real thing about saying she can say whatever she wants whenever she wants but doesn't realise some things are just not appropriate even though we are lucky enough to live in a country where you can speak your mind. My brothers and sister just don't know what to say anymore because we understand dad is selfish and very harsh - I want to be supportive but at the same time she's pissed us all of for such a long time.

Is she depressed? If so what do we do... Dad wants us to be honest with her and tell her how rude she is all the time but I think if we're that honest she'll otherwise go totally off the handle or think we're all against her and hate us all. The other thing on our minds is that maybe dad just wants her to leave but because of what happened last time with us kids he doesn't want to be the one that does the leaving.

We're worried about her being recommended to a psych with just her because she's done that before when dad and her were separated and mum has the ability to "act" and be totally lovely and accommodating so then they tell her that she has to get her husband to change and it's all his fault etc but really we all can see as can v.close friends that mum has got a problem. We want her to be a part of our lives but her behaviour is pushing everyone away. How do we get our mum back?

[bigNavySeal]

Your mom needs to change her current situation/environment around her. Quite simply it sounds she is indeed close to depression, and she needs to get out of that mentality, and the only way of doing that is by finding situations, activities that make her content, continuously. I'm not very surprised she's in this kind of state though; She got back together after 2 years with your dad and they moved to his home/family, with whom she can't get along well with, across the country. That's asking for trouble if you ask me; quite obviously she's not blending in with your dads family, resulting not really being accepted; all ingredients for isolation and depression. She sounds fake on the phone cause she wants to express her kindness and love but also wants to get out of her depression; she simply doesn't know what to do.

Sounds like she needs something to look forward to; she also needs to let go of the pain and inability to enjoy and control the situation around her; to me she needs to make breather space and a change of environment, OR to focus on activities in her current environment she can and loves to do. E.g. do enjoyable things women do? Can't be too clear on that (wouldn't know your moms likes), but my mom (65) loves horse riding, they live beautifully outside (anyone would be jealous to where my parents are living), don't know if your dads family has any nice facilities around.

Your dad shouldn't be saying things like "you being honest that she's rude", that will only work against everyone; I'm sure she's aware she's not very nice to you now, and saying those things 'you people this that' or 'you should be happy I brought you to life' are merely signs of her grasping for love that she desperately needs, but can't really hold on to. Your mom needs a change, that's all I can see. She shouldn't be frightened to make a change, whatever it is.

Slippery slope, but to be honest it sounds as if your parents are over and done with, and they should accept that, OR change behaviour towards each other and accept each other for what they are. Of course easier said than done. I'm amazed at peoples communication dysfunctions at different ages, sad really. They just need to face the reality and change in order for your mom to be content, and she needs to be strong and make the right decisions for herself, I hope she can. Good luck to her and you.

[monimunchkin]

Thanks for that. Us kids think the same with regards to accepting reality and realising a change is needed. I was speaking to dad today and I said maybe a lot of this stems from a lot of years of his and mums relationship and her behaviour to us kids is just a byproduct of that, but he thinks she is just totally irrational and needs to get a grip or get over herself... god I don't know. I told him we were all just over it and for him and mum to sort their stuff out. Unfortunately I'm not sure if it is his and mums relationship anymore or if it's just mum becoming an older lady who is grumpy and never happy with anything!e.g. when I asked the other day if her and dad were planning on moving back home anytime soon just as a general question her first comment was that she wasn't going to move back just to get used and abused as a babysitter by my husband and I for a hypothetical child we don't even have. It was so aggressive and obviously she'd thought heaps about it but my husband and I had never mentioned anything of the sort (and we aren't pregnant or even trying) and as the first grandchild you would have thought your mum would want to be around (I know my husbands mother would jump at the chance to babysit any child of ours). So now we're in our minds already like don't ever ask mum to come around or have anything to do with this hypothetical child because we know she doesn't want to be involved. And will just resent us "using her up." It's just damaging. Anyway... what to do... I'm thinking just try to stay totally out of it and if her behaviour is just too much to handle just keep my distance.