[13ecca]

I feel so alone right now. Not as in distance but as in non existence. I feel as if I have lost everyone who I used to be close to and used to be able to share my feelings with. The one person who I know is there for me can't really offer me any adivce because they have never been in my situation before.
My Mum.
We were really close, I could talk to her about anything and she would always offer me advice. We had quite a close family and I felt really comfortable sharing things with her. The only thing is, earlier on this year she suffered a brain injury. After months in hospital and rehab she has made good progress in getting back to everyday life, she just isn't my mum anymore. I have no idea who she is any more, she has changed. This was expected but I just feel as if I've lost my mum and I'm having to love the new person in her place. This whole event has but strain on my family. My mum and dad aren't close any more and sometimes I feel like they don't love each other any more and they are just together for the sake of my mums health, or until she can at least look after herself. They constantly snap at each other and moan about each other and argue and it's just so fustraiting because we used to be such a happily little family. We've uncovered so many problems such as my mother being in debt and we are just falling apart.
My friend.
We also used to be so close. We were like 2 halves of the same person. Every thought and every feeling was the same it was scary. We were both the fat girls with no boyfriends, who had never even kissed a guy throughout high school and college. We could relate to each other when no one else could. I know this will sound really stupid and childish and "boo hoo I want a boyfriend". It was inevitable that one of us was going to be the last person to be in a relationship. And of course... it was me. Although she knew how it felt then I no longer feel she understands how it feels to be the last person to have never had a boyfriend. I know I'm not the last person EVER but in our group I am and 2 years down the line I'm still the fat 20 year old virgin wondering why no one even looks at me while (I'm not kidding here) every single possible friends I have at the moment is in a relationship. I don't want someone because I feel left out, I want someone because I want to be loved not in the "your my relative so I love you way" or "friend" way but because someone actually loves me for who I am.
My best friend.
I love my best friend so so much words cannot even explain. We've been best friends for 17 years but we have always been the type of friends to have a laugh and a gigggle rather than share problems. Mainly because I don't open up to her. I don't because she doesn't get it. She's been with her boyfriend since she was 13, she's absolutley stunning and a size 10, she's so funny and has so many friends and did so well at school and college and is really going somewhere in life. Her parents are so happy together and live in a beautiful house and she has basically had everything handed to her on a plate. She just doesn't undertsand what its like to work your butt of for everything for the outcome to be merely average. She is the one person in my life I feel close enough to to talk to but I don't feel like she can offer me any advice. I actually opened up to her tonight and lets just say I think she was rather shocked at my bottled up feelings.
I've been lying to others and myself now for the past 2 years, saying I'm happy with life whereas I think the realisation has just hit me at how unhappy I actually am.

[joypulv]

I'm a dyed in the wool American New Englander. Practical and frugal and hardy. I asked my grandfather what the meaning of life was when I was about 12 (I was already unhappy and felt unloved) and he said:
Someone to love
Something to do
Something to look forward to
I've thought about this over the last 50+ years and decided that we can all get by with one, better with two, best with three. But we CAN 'live' and not just 'exist' with just one. And often the last 2 go together.
You don't say what you are doing at age 20.
You also boggle my mind when describing your BEST friend. She was shocked? Well of course she was; you've never opened up to her before! ASK her what she thinks and TELL her what you are saying here. Otherwise she isn't a best friend, or more accurately, you aren't, because best friends tell each other everything.
I hope I don't sound harsh, but you are an adult, and should not be in the middle of your parents not getting along with each other, even though you are worried about your mother's health.

[13ecca]

I finished college and had a gap year and now have a full time job working in a lab in quality control. I earn good money and I enjoy what I do.
I also have my own horse and go there twice a day. Honestly other than feeling/being so alone, things aren't all that bad. I just feel like the "someone to love" part is the largest part of me being happy and that's the thing that's missing.