[Maxwell444]

Ok here's the situation. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for just under 1 1/2 years we are both 24, Things have been great, we hardly fight, and when we do it's about silly things. Recently over the past 2 months I feel as though she isn't interested nearly as much. She doesn't initiate kisses, hugs kisses etc as much. Now, she is in school, and this semester is very work heavy, so she is stressed to the max. I understand this putting a damper on our relationship. We've talked about this and she swears things will be better when it's over, and I believe that. But there is this other thing that is eating away at me lately and I got a bad gut feeling about this one.

So about a month ago I started to notice she seemed to be hiding her text messaging and Facebook messages more an more. Like she would tilt her phone away when she was texting and what not, wouldn't open her FB messages when she got new ones, until I was out of sight.

Obviously this started to get to me. So a few days ago she is over to the house on my laptop using FB. When she left, I got on my laptop later in the night I notice she left it open, and that she had a few new messages. So I looked at them and I notice that she has been messaging her ex. She was with her ex for 3 years, they swore they were soul mates and all that stuff, but the last year of them together was him constantly breaking it off with her and playing with her emotions. She told me all about it, and she HATED him, or so she used to say. Now he has tried to reach out a few times since we been dating, and she told me every time, and even showed me the messages. She put a quick end to it both times.

But these recent messages go back 2 weeks and they are really long. I didn't read them, I felt horrible enough snooping on her FB. But I did notice that on one of the newer messages he asked her if I knew who he was, and if I knew they have been talking lately, she responded saying I knew their past but didn't know about the recent contact. That is all I read, but It is enough to make me feel terrible. I can only imagine how I would feel if I had read more.

So now I'm in a bit of a tough spot, I want to get to the bottom of this, but I really don't want her to know I was looked at her messages, I honestly don't feel good about it, but was I really THAT wrong for doing it, I knew something wasn't right. Anyway how should I go about this, I don't want her to think I have trust issues or anything, I don't, for the most part anyway. I was thinking of randomly bring him up and asking something along the lines of how long has it been since she last talked to him, just to see if she lies. And if she DOES lie, should I than tell her that I snooped, I have a feeling I would tell her either way, if she comes clean and tells about all it I will tell her I looked, but only because of how she has been acting.

If she LIES what should I do, tell her I saw the messages and that I want to read what she's been saying? I'm stumped.

Thanks to those who read, and comment sorry about the length.

[Jameson1213]

You caught in quite a bind. It is understandable for a BF/GF to do some investigating if he/she has been hiding something. Try to casually bring it up or just ask if she has had any recent contact from her ex. If she lies then just say you read that one fragment of the message out of concern since it seemed like she was hiding something and ask if you may see the other messages if it is OK with her. Don't freak out, speak with an accusatory tone, get mad, or loose your cool. Stay calm show her that you care and just want to know if something is going on that you should know. She should understand. Say it were the other way around. If you were hiding contact from an ex from her wouldn't she like to know what's going on. Take extra time to rationalize and prepare for any situation, just remember to keep your cool and that you understand her.

[talaniman]

There should be no games so be straight and honest and tell her she left her FB open, and you saw she was still talking to the ex, but you didn't read the text of those messages. Apologizing for being curious and snooping, and ask her should you be concerned. Seems to me she was honest in the past, so you should be honest now, and hopefully you can get an honest solution to this dilemma together.

That's how I would handle it, since you DID snoop, instead of trust. She may have been planning on telling you any way. She is your female, give her the benefit of a doubt, and play this straight, NO GAMES, NO GOTCHA, or this is not a healthy, adult relationship, and should be ended.

[Jake2008]

Two wrongs don't make a right, so you may as well tell the truth like Tal said.

You could start by telling her that things are a bit weird- and they are. She hasn't been herself- and give examples- not as affectionate, seems secretive, and the accidental leaving her Facebook open on your computer. Those are things that are truthful.

I would start there. Maybe leaving her Facebook open was not an accident.

[mmresd]

Yes, what you did was wrong... but it has already been done and you cannot go back in time. You have to come out with the truth. I would recommend to not say anything and get over it but that is easier said than done. Tell her what is up and tell her what your concerns are, see her reaction and take things from there. It is not absurd to also see the possibility that after being together such a long time a friendship has come out of it. Even though they were a couple before it doesn't mean she or he are trying to get together again, so don't go into this conversation as argumentative or as pointing a finger at her. Instead, go in passive and with an open mind, if you love her, you are going to have to trust what her responses are.

DO NOT read those messages... your mind is already negative, you will see EVERYTHING as bad.