[MJME]

Relationship with my son has gone south. If you look at earlier posts, you will see our history with the DIL. Nothing has changed with the DIL except that now our son will not communicate with us. It has been six months and we have called, written and emailed our son but we get no response. We live in different states miles apart so we can't just jump in the car and go visit him. My husband and I have decided that we can't do anything about this situation so we are going to just wait it out and see if our son will come back to us. My husband just had a birthday and our son did not send wishes. Our son is a 37 years old with a family of two, one boy 20 months & and a girl 5 years old.
What should we do for Christmas? I hate to reward bad behavior by showering the family with gifts when they don't communicate with us. I feel like just sending a Christmas card to show that we still are thinking of them and nothing else.

Please advise. Thank you.

[mjg250]

My heart goes out to you and your husband because I just got on this website last week and posted a letter about my son and DIL. Right now I am going to counseling because I am devastated to think my son can just throw me away. I only got three responses, but I would like to hear how you handle this situation. At least there are both you and your husband to try and sort through this. Thank God I do have another son and daughter but when you have children it is hell losing one of them. I hope everything works out for you as I am hearing more and more of these tragic things happening to families.

[MJME]

I am devastated also. At least you have another son and daughter. Is there a epidemic of sons throwing their mothers and fathers away like a piece of trash they don't want anymore? I am having a hard time handling this situation. What kind of advice does your counselor give you? Thanks.

[dreamingartist]

My parents had a long 4 or 5 year battle with my sister and her HIL, and they didn't speak much over those 4 or 5 years and he refused to let her see my parents. My parents kept praying about it and trying to reach out to her (don't take reaching out for overlooking the past) and long story short, my grandmother passed away and we all met up for the funeral in Canada, and that week God did a lot of healing in our families and now my sister and my parents and HIL all talk and hang out. A complete restoration (90%). They go out to dinner, hang out etc, and shortly after, my sister said she was pregnant and perfect timing, my parents are now happy grandparents and are in my sister and her HIL's life with their kid.

Basically you need to keep reaching out and letting them know you are there, even if they hate you or refuse to talk. (this is coming from my father who didn't even go to his own daughters wedding, never walked her down the isle, etc) and now we are reunited.

And sorry I am not giving a huge backstory, but it boiled down to my sister rebelling, leaving with this guy, moving away and marrying him without my families approval and basically disowning us and saying she wanted nothing to do with us anymore.

[mmresd]

Christmas card is never a good idea. I understand your frustration because I used to be that son. Sometimes we younger sons believe parents are more of a burden than a blessing, but it is just a stage. He will take care of himself, let him grow on his own, don't worry so much (even though I know that might be impossible), and wait. Live your life with your husband and your soon will always be back at some point. Definitely keep the christmas card up because if they don't mean anything to him now, whenever (and this will happen) notice that the people that will always have your back are your parents, it will mean a lot for you to have tried to be there even when he tried pushing you away. Every son goes back at some point at another, you think you'll little boy won't need anything from his parents sooner or later? ;)

[talaniman]

Sometimes its best to take solace in the ones you can love and leave the ones you can't alone. For whatever reason things are the way they are, at some point you have to let go and deal with what you can control.

No its not a perfect solution, and you have to accept that you won't get what you want from your son, but the harder you pull the worse it seems to get, if I am reading your older posts correctly.

As parents sometimes all we can do is let them go to find their own way, and be at peace with themselves. Sure we want the grands in our lives, so bad we suffer at the loss of it.

Leave them alone, and have some faith that in the future those grands will want to see what they missed, or life works it out. I think for your own good you back off and deal with what you do have and enjoy it, and as sad as it is especially around family get togethers, and holidays, when its really a hard thing to deal with, just give the ones you can love a little more, and be grateful THEY appreciate and return it.

Some things take years to work out, but in the meantime live your life without them until the ungrateful little B@ST@RDS get over themselves.

I feel your pain, been there, still there, but don't stop living because of them.

[Jake2008]

I would be inclined to send a Christmas card to them, just one.

Keep it simple, and cheerful, and wish them a happy Christmas and a wonderful new year.

To not use the opportunity to send a card at Christmas particularly, would probably hurt you more than them, and there is no harm in sending a simple card.

Just a small thing, but appropriate under the circumstances, where gifts would not be appropriate right now.

[MJME]

Thank you for your advice. This convinces me that I am thinking on the right track for making the right decision for Christmas. MJME

Thank you for such caring words. What good insight you have into my situation. My emotions were lifted and I felt good about everything you said. It gives me courage and hope for the future with my son and his family. I will be patience and live my life with my loving caring husband and wait until my son returns to us at a future date. MJME