[Dillie]

My father is terminally ill (cancer). He has been remarried for 6 years. My stepmother is keeping my part of the will a secret. I have been told I will be given an envelope once my father has passed. This is eating me alive. My father has never kept secrets from me and my brother until, of course he is married. I cannot discuss things with my father because I do not want to upset him. How do I deal with this? I want to get over my jealousy, fear of being cheated, and resentment. I feel like my father has been stolen and replaced by a look alike. I am grieving the loss of the relationship my father and I had while I was growing up and he is still alive. It is all I can do to go visit him because my stepmother will not allow us to be alone and have a nice visit. I am praying to get over all of these childish feelings and be able to enjoy my dad while he is still here. Help me?

[tickle]

You owe it to yourself, and your father, to get all of your problems out in the open. He may not be aware of problems you stepmother has created. You are probably labouring under a huge misunderstanding.

Your stepmother has no right, because you are blood.

Take your dad out and discuss these issues with him.

[Fr_Chuck]

Next and I mean this in a loving way, so what if you would not get a penny and the step mother gets everything ? It would be your fathers right to do so, It is his money, and the kids of a parent are not entitled to a penny.

Next he or your step mom have no legal obligation to tell you anything and your father has the right to change his will anytime he wants prior to his death.

Who told you about an "envelope" this may or may not be the truth.

You need to spend some or more time just enjoying being with your father before he passes, than worry or already starting to fight over how much you will get before he is even gone.

[Dillie]

I understand what Fr Chuck is saying. It's just a little more complicated that me getting a penny. When my parents divorced over 30 years ago my dad, brother and I were by ourselves for several years. My dad purchased 10 acres and built a shop for his business. My brother has always worked for my dad. My dad has always told me and my brother that the shop and 10 acres belongs to us. Once he married he always has said anything he and his wife acquired together was theirs. I agree that my father certainly owes me nothing. I truly do not want money or anything that belongs to them together. However, the shop and the land has so much sentimental value to me and my brother. My dad has told me the shop and the land will be deeded to me and my brother. The three of us have never kept secrets and in the past before he married whenever my dad traveled he always gave his will and deeded papers to me or my brother in case something happened. Now since he has married his friend of 25 years (dated long before they married 6 years ago) she has told me I am to see no papers and once my dad passes she will give me an envelope with my name on it. She point blank told me I was not to discuss matters with my father. I feel like if someone is keeping things secret there must be some cheating going on. This is where I am coming from. I did speak to my father and told him that my only concern was his health and that he is treated properly while he is still with us. I did not care what he left me if anything. I just did not like the secrecy because that was not our family way. I wanted to make sure things were carried out as he wished. After all this is said you are absolutely correct in that I need to enjoy my father for what time I have left. Who knows I could die tomorrow! I am working on accepting the things I cannot change. Divorce is painful for children and adult children as well. Please pray for me that I can get over all of my negative feelings. Thank everybody for their helpful suggestions.

[Dillie]

Tickle, thank you but believe me I tried to talking to my father. He only gets defensive and tells me I am jealous. Of course, I am. But, there is no misunderstanding. She is truly a manipulative and mean person.

[JudyKayTee]

I married a man with two children, became their stepmother (obviously) - and then he died. I've seen this family dynamic from the other side of things.

I see absolutely no indication that the stepmother has created any problems (sorry, Tick). Unless the father is a puppet I will "assume" he is in charge, not the stepmother. I understand he's terminally ill. I see no indication whatsoever that he's incompetent nor do I see anything to indicate that she is acting outside of his knowledge and consent. If an envelope is to be handed to OP following the death of his father I can only GUESS it's with the father's knowledge and consent.

I see nothing indicating that the stepmother is mean and vindictive. I do see a reference to the length of time the stepmother and father have known each other ("Now since he has married his friend of 25 years (dated long before they married 6 years ago) she has told me I am to see no papers") but have no idea if this is an indication that the stepmother was the cause of the father's divorce.

It's apparently HIS Will in accordance with HIS wishes. I have no idea why what will happen after his death is being handled in this matter. For that matter I don't quite understand the concern about what will happen to his assets after his death. He's dying - is anyone concentrating on that fact?

I can't tell you how many times my stepchildren came to my dying husband with their financial concerns about what would happen after his death - somehow "we are worried about your health but by the way ..." upsets a man who has received devastating news about his mortality.

I find this part of the response to be totally contradictory - "I truly do not want money or anything that belongs to them together."

What "belongs" to him now "belongs" to her - she's his wife.

"However, the shop and the land has so much sentimental value "

"The three of us have never kept secrets and in the past before he married whenever my dad traveled he always gave his will and deeded papers to me or my brother in case something happened."

She's his WIFE - he has a partner. Why would he discuss finances with his children, leave them with papers instead of leaving the info with his wife?

"Now since he has married his friend of 25 years (dated long before they married 6 years ago) she has told me I am to see no papers and once my dad passes she will give me an envelope with my name on it. She point blank told me I was not to discuss matters with my father."

As I said - I'm a stepmother. Her husband is dying. Her life is changing. I think YOU are the one causing the problems here, not her.

Whether you like her or not, whether the divorce was difficult for you, whether you think you are entitled or not, she's his wife. I'd think you would prefer to work WITH her rather than AGAINST her. I cannot believe your father doesn't sense the tension, doesn't realize there will be problems for HIS WIFE following his death, problems involving his children.

[Dillie]

I always love when a another stepmonster pipes up! No my father does not have a clue of the things this woman has done to me, my brother and especially my daughter. We simply do not say anything to my father because we are so close and love him so much. He truly has a blind eye. Well, actually part of him knows and this is the reason he did not marry for sooooo long. He only married recently so his wife could draw his social security. And yes I know this because my dad tells me all. He knew he would have problems with the property (pre-relationship property). The property, money, they have acquired since their union is no concern of mine. My dad does not know of the envelope situation and the fact that my so called step mother told me I was not to discuss anything with my father ever again. We have kept our mouth shut for over 25 years in order not to cause any tension. There will be no problems after my father passes because I will be free!! Free of her lying, coniving, cheating, and all the rest. She will be all alone and for good reason. She is the wife not blood and blood is much thicker than water. Remember that when dealing with your stepchildren. The things step parents don't understand is our parents take you on as their spouse. We do not take you on as our parent. We already have been given parents. I myself have been a step parent and respected my role and respected my place. I will get the shop and land that my dad wishes me and my brother to have in court or otherwise.

[Dillie]

Boy, it feels good to get all of these repressed feelings out in the open. It has been like one of those Lifetime Movies where the bad stepmother lies and cheats behind her husband and you can see it on the screen but the characters in the movie can't see. LOL It always comes out in the end. I have ignored my feelings for sooo long it is like a cancer. I think my father's illness and the thought of losing him has forced me to deal with all types of emotions!! I have him and his wife out every Sunday morning for breakfast so my dad can visit with my two year old grandaughter. It is such a special time and he so enjoys the baby. He said to me he is going to get to know this baby no matter what anybody (meaning the wife) has to say about it. Yes, he said this in front of her. Unfortuntely, he did not get to spend much time with his grandaughter. His wife is all about her grandchildren. My daughter has always been treated so different by her that she has chosen to stay away. Even to the point her grandchildren bring it up to her. It feels so good to be getting this out so I can be free of her and these feelings!!

[JudyKayTee]

I always love when a another stepmonster pipes up!! No my father does not have a clue of the things this woman has done to me, my brother and especially my daughter. We simply do not say anything to my father because we are so close and love him so much. He truly has a blind eye. Well, actually part of him knows and this is the reason he did not marry for sooooo long. He only married recently so his wife could draw his social security. And yes I know this because my dad tells me all. He knew he would have problems with the property (pre-relationship property). The property, money, they have acquired since their union is no concern of mine. My dad does not know of the envelope situation and the fact that my so called step mother told me I was not to discuss anything with my father ever again. We have kept our mouth shut for over 25 years in order not to cause any tension. There will be no problems after my father passes because I will be free!!! Free of her lying, coniving, cheating, and all the rest. She will be all alone and for good reason. She is the wife not blood and blood is much thicker than water. Remember that when dealing with your stepchildren. The things step parents don't understand is our parents take you on as their spouse. We do not take you on as our parent. We already have been given parents. I myself have been a step parent and respected my role and respected my place. I will get the shop and land that my dad wishes me and my brother to have in court or otherwise.

Whether you like her or not she IS your stepmother.

He married recently? You originally said that he married six years ago. Which is it?

If your father "tells you all," why doesn't he tell you what this is all about? He (apparently) told you that he married "her" only so she could collect his SS. I would think he'd be comfortable discussing the rest of his finances. You don't tell your father your concerns because you "love him so much"? A little hard to swallow.

And as far as blood is thicker than water and she'll be alone and good riddance - I'm sure that's her feeling, too. These toxic relationships are never a one-way street.

As far as your plan to go to Court to get what you think is yours - good luck. If he has a Will and was competent when he signed it you will get EXACTLY what he chooses to leave you, envelope or no envelope. You can explain your emotional attachment to his business and land to a Judge. You're going to lose.

I've seen bad stepmothers. I've seen bad stepchildren. I've seen toxic relationships. I've seen a lot of these boil down to money and inheritance and what the wife and/or children feel they "deserve." If the testator (person writing the Will) is competent the Will stands. That's how the law works.

[JudyKayTee]

Boy, it feels good to get all of these repressed feelings out in the open. It has been like one of those Lifetime Movies where the bad stepmother lies and cheats behind her husband and you can see it on the screen but the characters in the movie can't see. LOL It always comes out in the end. I have ignored my feelings for sooo long it is like a cancer. I think my father's illness and the thought of loosing him has forced me to deal with all types of emotions!!! I have him and his wife out every Sunday morning for breakfast so my dad can visit with my two year old grandaughter. It is such a special time and he so enjoys the baby. He said to me he is going to get to know this baby no matter what anybody (meaning the wife) has to say about it. Yes, he said this in front of her. Unfortuntely, he did not get to spend much time with his grandaughter. His wife is all about her grandchildren. My daughter has always been treated so different by her that she has chosen to stay away. Even to the point her grandchildren bring it up to her. It feels so good to be getting this out so I can be free of her and these feelings!!!!

How unfortunate that you waited until your father was terminal to begin to express your feelings.

I'm working on why she and your father come to your house every Sunday morning for breakfast. If she feels "different" about your children, why doesn't she just stay home?

If this level of feelings has existed for a long time (they've been married 5 years, your daughter is 2), why hasn't your father stepped in? If he comments about "her" in front of "her" he DOES see the problem(s). She won't allow you a private visit with your father, and he says nothing?

[JudyKayTee]

There is considerable bad blood, apparently going back to the time of the father's divorce.

But, as you said, until the envelope is opened no one has an answer.

[Dillie]

I guess you are right in that your website was helpful because I feel that a weight has been lifted by spilling my thoughts, not matter how rambling they came out. Anyway, good luck to you.