[HurtByMySoldier]

Googled "my husband has a baby with another woman," then came to this site and see how so many other people are in the same situation as me.

I am so hurt, scared and confused, no idea what to do. We were apart for 3 years because of the military and my not wanting to give up my good job to follow him, when he would be back, when this tour was over, when he comes home about a Month after, then my world turns upside down. I found out that he had been having an affair with a woman for 7 Months and that she is having a baby, but he said she told him it was not his. I even spoke to this woman and she promised it was not his.

Ever since this day (July 11, 2010) I have been an emotional mess. One minute I can be normal, the next one every little thing will remind me, and I am a totally different person. So she has the baby December 2010, and I find this out because now I am also obsessed with Facebook and stalking her. The baby looks just like my baby girl. I was actually deployed at the time and actually sat in the shower stall with every medication I could come up with and was going to end my life. Then again the only thing that came to my head is my baby girl.

Now I am home and moved to another state for my job. In the beginning, I felt it was a way for me to start my life over and leave him, had even started dating someone who really wants me, in hopes of helping me get over my husband. Didn't work, I still want my family. But I cannot get my head straight. I loved him so much and still do, but cannot get over this. This man that called, text or emailed me everyday for those three years telling me how much he loved me, was proud of me, how beautiful I was, has killed me.

I know he loves me and has changed to try and win me back. I think well I am hoping he would not do this to me again, he really sounds sincere. All he wants is his family and that's all I want, just want to be normal, but am scared of being hurt again. I am already on the verge of hurting myself every day, and really could not take it again.

I have now been diagnosed with Major Depression and Double Depression, they have me on Neurontin, Cymbalta and Klonopin, I see a therapist once a week and a shrink once a month. The meds are not working, the thoughts are still in my head, and I still cry all the time. My normal place is locked in the bathroom lying in the fetal position with the lights off crying, and my poor baby sees her mommy like this. The other day she pushed the attached picture under, thinks she is the reason I cry so much.

I want my husband, I want my family, I want the future we always talked about. I don't know what to do, I am so confused. I don't think he understands the pain and hurt I am going through. I just want it all to end. I asked him to get a test to determine if it is his, and he refuses because he knows that if it is his, there is no chance for us.

It is going on a year and a half of this pain, and I am so close to the edge. Please tell me someone has been through this and made it work, please!

[Cat1864]

Has she acknowledged anyone else as the father? If so, then she may have had a DNA test done with that person and already knows your husband isn't the father.

If she hasn't, then for the child's sake and no one else's, he needs to make certain whether he is the child's biological father. If he is the father, the child needs to have his and his families' medical background. Having a child of your own, I think you can see how important that is.

I have more respect for a man who steps up and takes care of his mistakes no matter how painful it might be than one who tries to sweep them under the rug trying to forget them. Everyone is tripping over it instead of taking care of it.

For your part, I think the not knowing is more damaging than if you knew for certain. However, you can't make him get tested if doesn't want to. You can point out to him that the wound is not healing and his reasons for not getting tested are not making sense.

You need to delete her Facebook and any other ways you have of 'stalking' her. There are many reasons her child could look like your husband besides him being the father. The biggest one is because you are looking for similarities. For your own health and your daughter's future, you need to stop. I know it sounds easier than it is. I know you are hurting. I also know you aren't going to begin to heal until you allow yourself to step back from the situation.

Have you tried marriage counseling in conjunction with your personal counseling? Has your therapist recommended it or bringing him into your sessions to work together on rebuilding the trust and marriage? Does your doctor know you are still feeling this suicidal? Has he/she tried adjusting your medications and making certain there are no interactions with food or drink that might be causing more problems than they are helping?

[HurtByMySoldier]

Thank you for your reply.

We did try marriage counseling, but only for a little bit. I deployed in November and him in January, and we were in two different countries, I got home in June and moved, and he will be home next month. And when he gets home he will live 14 hours from me. Until July then my next duty station will be only 6 hours from him. That is why I was working so hard on my career and my family, so when he retired, he could follow me and spend more time with my daughter.

I have worked so hard and given so much up for my career and family. He retires in 8/2013. I have begged him to get tested and explained that I cannot move on. I feel like I am in a grave and every day one more scoop of earth is being thrown on. You are right, I cannot move on. One day I cannot imagine life with him; the next I cannot imagine life without him. All our dreams, our family, we had such a good future. He threw it all away for sex. And it has been said by both of them that that's all it was, friends with benefits.

I actually think she tricked him into getting her with child. At one point, she had her Facebook open to public view and just about the time she conceived, she said something to the point, "oh no I touched a pregnant woman -- hopefully its not contagious." Then also I asked him if you were going to cheat on your wife why not use protection. He said she told him that she could not have children because her and her ex-boyfriend had been trying, and then she was telling him she was on the pill. Now why be on the pill if you are not able to have children?

She has not said who the father is, and I have tried my hardest to find the birth announcement, was even to the point I was going to pay to find the hospital and get a copy of the birth certificate, but I am about 99.9% sure there is no father on there. She even admitted to me that, even if it was my husband's, she would not tell me, that she did not do this to tear a family apart.

I just don't understand what type of woman could do this, hearing a husband bragging about his wife and family and how much he loves them all the time, then sleeping with him and staying at his apartment. She said I was not a real person to her because she did not know me, but now that she does, she wouldn't have done it, as if that makes me feel any better or puts my life back together.

I was just put on this medication a month and a half ago; my next visit I think is this week with the shrink and hopefully he will try some other meds for me. It is bad enough I cannot take care of myself, but my poor baby is having to be the adult and she is only 6. I did tell my therapist the thoughts that were in my head, and that's when she mentioned putting me into the hospital, but I begged her and promised her on my daughter that I would not do anything. It would not just ruin my career but my life. There would be no stopping me after that.

And it is just my baby and me, so if I was to do something, that would be the last thing I would want -- my baby to find me when she is alone. But they are still there, sometimes when taking one of the klonopins, I will look at the bottle and just stare at it, but of course I would just fail at that like everything else in my life. My luck is that it wouldn't work, and I would just make myself a burden on everyone.

Just so scared, confused, just want the pain to go away. I feel alone, nobody to talk to when the panic attacks are hitting me, and I try so hard to hide them from my baby girl. I loved this man so much, I trusted him with everything I had in me. There was no way my Soldier, my Hero, my Husband, the father of my child would hurt me. I want to disappear.

[Fr_Chuck]

Disclaimer, I am going to be blunt and somewhat mean sounding.

First on the baby, my adopted son looks more like me than any of my natural children, looks mean almost nothing, we can find or see what we want.

The other issue here is, you made a choice, of job and career over him long ago, when you decided to marry a soldier you were or should have committed to follow him where ever he was assigned, unless he was in a war zone where you could not travel to, not stay home in one place and see him a few weeks a year. If I had been the soldier my feelings were that, your job was or had a lot more importance than me. So the marriage was as good as over at that point. ( in my opinion anyway)
If a couple loves each other they will if at all possible, find a way no matter what to be together.

Again, the excuse, we are... hours apart, so fix that if you want to fix the marriage, long distance will only work so long, sorry, either commit fully to make this work or get out.

[HurtByMySoldier]

FR_Chuck:
I did leave out some, did not think it was needed BUT seems you want to be so mean here it is.

He got orders for recruiting while we were in the process of buying a house in Fayetteville, NC. I did not want the house and did not even sign the mortgage, I was going to get an apartment instead, and he was going to come back to Bragg in 3 years. I am a DoD civilian so once you get in the Government, you don't get out, and you will not get back in.

It was his idea and mine for me to stay, but from the day he left, I was trying to find a gov. position where he was, you know using spousal preference. Then when I did find a job, he said, "Don't worry about it because by the time you get up here, it will be time for me to come back. Then you will have to sit there until you can find a job back on Bragg!"

He kept me stuck in Fayetteville by buying that stupid house -- with a mortgage that we could not afford and with me NOT having a job. Also, he has two other daughters in NC, and that way my daughter could still have a relationship with them too, again, because my honorable, loyal soldier was coming home to his family!

And then you missed the part where I was working on my career so that when he retired, I COULD TAKE CARE OF HIM AND OUR FAMILY. He could have sat home on his butt as far as I cared, since he did his time. Now by the time he retires, I am on my way to being a GS12 because I stayed and worked my *** off. I took care of EVERYTHING -- bills, house, kids, his rent, his utilities, his vehicle payments -- and all he had to worry about was if he had enough money in his bank account to party with, and then he had a credit card to blow up, and I paid it off every month.

I took care of this man, and he had no responsibilities whatsoever. Let me guess -- you were one of these soldiers, marines, sailors, airman that "what happens TDY, PCS stays TDY, PCS."

[HurtByMySoldier]

I am sorry. I do not mean to be as mean as you were. I gave up so much for this man. Now the reason I am in a different state is because I was trying to leave him, and I will not give up anything else for him. If he wants me bad enough, he will get a test and prove that he wants to be my husband, that he wants that family, that he wants that future he talked so much about.

I gave and gave and gave, but have never gotten anything from this man but stress, pain and anxiety. If I did not have a child with him and have so much invested in my family and future, I would not be on this site asking for GOOD advice for the present and future, NOT MY PAST! Which was all you were doing.

I have already beat myself up blaming myself for everything, and that is why I am as bad as I am. I blamed myself for everything!! I should have followed my husband, but now I am glad I didn't. Who is to say he wouldn't have done it there? I also didn't mention that this proud Soldier was sleeping with a married woman with a child at the same time he was sleeping with the other, so who is to say he wouldn't have done it with me there. Then where would I be? Living off your taxes trying to support my child and myself? So now what is your smart-butt comment?

[LisaB4657]

I am also going to be blunt. I normally don't answer questions in this area. But I read your story and while I sympathize with you I have to say something.

YOU HAVE A YOUNG CHILD.

No matter what you are going through right now, you have an enormous responsibility to care for your daughter and do whatever you can to make sure that the emotional damage to her is kept to a minimum. If that means hiding your feelings, burying them and keeping them locked away, then that's what you have to do. SHE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING YOU MAY BE GOING THROUGH.

I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. I hope it resolves quickly in a way that gives you some peace. But please please please take care of your daughter and put her first.

[Cat1864]

I think your reply to Fr_Chuck may have uncovered a very important piece of information. You have done everything so that he didn't have to be responsible and he hasn't been. He made a decision to buy a house that he wasn't taking care of. You were. Where was/is he stationed? What is he responsible for now?

Do you mind giving more background on your relationship before marriage and his relationships with his other two children and their mother(s)? How did you meet him and what was his relationship status at the time?

I am wondering if there is a pattern to his behavior that for a variety of reasons might has been over-looked. I think you need to stop taking all of the baggage on yourself and put his load back on him. He is a soldier not a child. If he hasn't learned how to control himself by now, that isn't your fault. It is his.

I know you love him and he is the father of your child. I know you want to make everything perfect for him because you love him. But you can't. You shouldn't. You can't be his mother as well as his wife. He has a responsibility no matter where he is to do something more than party and spend money. Dreams are great, but what, other than a house you didn't want, has he done to make any part of those dreams come true. If he has done anything, has it been for 'his' ideas? Does he take you and his child into consideration when actually makes plans?

I think you need to see him as the person he is and not the Ideal you want him to be. Stop putting so much energy into him. Time to put him third or fourth on the list of priorities. Your daughter/yourself, your future then him. No more begging him to be a man. No begging him to do anything. Take care of yourself and your child. You might even think about a legal separation. It doesn't have to mean divorce, but it will protect you from his irresponsibility.

What has your doctor and therapist recommended to you for dealing with your panic attacks? Have they given you any proactive tips on how to manage when you feel one coming on?

Do you have anyone to help you with your daughter so that you can get some time for yourself that isn't work or home related?

[HurtByMySoldier]

His other two daughters are from the same woman. They were never married and only dated a total of 6-7 months. She got pregnant when he was 18, a young soldier, and they had dated 3 months, broke up, then after the baby was born, they got back together for another 3 months when the second was child was conceived, and broke up. The girls did not know he was their dad until they were around 6 and 5, they were calling someone else dad.

He is stationed at Fort Bragg and that is where he will be returning in a couple weeks when he is done with the deployment. He will be staying at that wonderful house he bought, but with roommates this time. He will be getting off that plane at green ramp watching everyone running to their families and happy to be home, but he will have no one. He is actually going to have to either take a taxi home or ask for a ride. And he is getting home on Thanksgiving. Wish I could say that this gives me some sort of "HA you deserve it," but it actually hurts knowing this.

We were together two years before we got married. Of course there were rough times but there were more fun times. He played softball, so I was always going to watch him play, or watch him on jumps. We would go out every once in a while, go to the beach, sit around to have a couple beers, listening to old 80's music. Then in August 2004 I turned 29 and I really wanted a baby and so did he. I said if I didn't have one by 30, I was not going to have one. That's when we started trying for my baby girl.

We both were crying the day she was born. I tried the stay-at-home-mom thing for 6 months, I could not put my baby down, would sit there and watch her sleep. She is my life. Everything bad that had happen to me as a child kind of disappeared when I first heard my baby's heartbeat. But now that this has happened it has all come back to haunt me (the double depression).

I had tried so hard to be better than what I come from, now its as if I am on a Maury Povich show and am trash. I also was married once before to a guy I met right out of high school. He was my first love (actually, my first everything). We got married and then he joined the service and that's how I ended at Bragg. Well, he decided he wanted to try to sleep with my sister so that's when I left him 7 years later.

Then I met my current husband who was going through a divorce as well. He has only told me that she left him because he spent too much money and she loved her dogs more than him. He says he never cheated on her, but I do know he cheated on his first two girls' mom when she was pregnant with their second child, but he too was just a young soldier, only 19.

My two oldest know all of this also, and it hurts more. Their mom felt they were old enough to know, I consider them my girls as well. My baby had stayed with them and their mom when my husband and I were both deployed this year, so she was with them 6 months. Where I am at now is where I am originally from, and just so happens my job took me there.

Well, I am 2 hours from home. I am going to call my grandmother and ask her to come over for a week or so to help me. I had called her Friday during one of my panic attacks, and she said she would come stay with me. As for my daughter, LISA, you're exactly right, and I have been trying -- I have, I promise. I have gotten her involved with so many things. I will lie down with her at night and have her read to me, but the attacks I can't hold back, I don't know how to explain them. I will actually be driving and just start crying as if somebody just beat the crap out of me. I cannot control them. But you are right. My daughter does come first and is the main reason I even started going to therapy. I am so scared she will turn out like me and make these horrible choices that I have.