[anonynomnom]

I feel horrible for even asking, because I know he loves me, but I find it hard to stay with him with all the things I keep finding out about.

Two years ago, before we were engaged and just dating he had another guy give him a hand job. He told me about it and we talked and I asked if he wanted to take a break and experiment. He agreed and talked to a few guys here and there but it didn't seem like anyone caught his attention so he begged me to be with him again and I agreed.

About another half a year later I found pictures on his cellphone of him naked sent to other guys I didn't know. I know most all of his friends, and I did not know this guy. When I confronted him about it he just waved it off and said it was a joke. I don't know straight guys that do that...

Then last year my brother got cancer, I went back across the country to help my parents care for them since they work full time and don't have a lot of time to be home or take him to the hospital. Then I had to get surgery almost right after. I was gone for 8 months without seeing him, but we talked everyday.
Then we both did things with other people, we decided that after I got back we would talk about it.

What happened was that he was with another guy yet again, but he says they didn't have sex and barely even touched each other.

We agreed that it was fine since we both had gone through hardships so we just let it slide yet again.
About 3 months after this though I found 6 gay pornos on his external hard drive under an inconspicuous name so I wouldn't find it. Downloaded after I left, because this folder wasn't there before

I am not sure what to do anymore, I just turning my cheek, but I just keep finding these things and getting hurt by them.I don't want to believe he's gay, and I do love him, but I just don't know what to really do anymore.

Am I being silly or should I do something about this?

[Cat1864]

How is your relationship? Is your sex life together good or satisfactory?

Unfortunately the only way to know if someone is gay is for the person to tell you. Even if you catch them in bed with someone of the same sex, it doesn't necessarily mean the person is gay. They could be bi.

Gay porn is something I usually dismiss because people will sometimes look at things that they don't want in real life. It can be out of curiosity or fantasizing about 'taboo' encounters. What is concerning is the nude picture and the encounters with other men.

If he is bi, there is nothing wrong with it as long as he is honest with himself and you. A bi person is capable of being monogamous in a relationship. Even though they can be attracted to both sexes, it doesn't mean they have to be with both to be satisfied. They can, however, still have fantasies about both. Just because a person has thoughts and fantasies does not mean they have to act on them.

If he is gay, then he isn't doing either of you any favors trying to pretend he isn't.

I think he may be bi and knows it, but doesn't want to upset you or feel like he is being judged. I think you need to decide if you can be okay having a future husband who is attracted to men even if he never acts on those feelings beyond porn and fantasy (contacting people and sharing pictures, dating sites, etc. are not covered under porn or erotica. Sharing fantasies for arousal with you is one thing, sharing them with others is a very different matter.)

I think, if you can accept him as he is and trust that he is faithful to you, you need to sit down with him and have a discussion with him about your concerns. Let him know that you can accept his porn, but contacting people is not acceptable especially if he is still 'sharing' naked pictures. Work together to find a compromise. If you can't, walking away before you end up more hurt than you are already may be your best option.

I think because of what your relationship has been through that couple's counseling might be in order to help both of you work through the separation and seeing other people. Having someone guide the discussion and keep it from wandering off the topics being discussed might help you both get your feelings out and to make certain that the past is behind you as you try to build a future. Or it might help you both realize that this relationship isn't what you need.