[princessdiva]

I have been wondering and thinking all the time whether I should right this. Please do not jump to conclusions, I need serious help and advice. I am 25 years old, been married for 3 years and my husband is 34 years old. We've been together for 6 years till we got married. Our relationship was very strong and we used to be very very close but since we got married I noticed one huge problem. My husband is not circumcised and he told me that sex is pain. I told him not to worry, if needs be we go speak to a doctor and by the time we get married we try our best. As I said, I've now been married for 3 years and never done an intercourse. As time went by, I tried not to think about it. I don't want an anullment because he is a very kind hearted man and I always found him, he is like a big brother to me and I'm sure I don't find another person like him. Now the complication starts here! With my husband's approval, I am seeing another man because he knows that from the other man I am taking that one particular thing that I was really longing for. Once again, this is why I didn't jump to conclusions because he understood me and encouraged me to meet this man who is married as well but the relationship with his wife is a total flop. Recently, I was noticing that he (my husband) has a soft spot for my mother who is 51 years old. I did not stop him from liking her because the only thing which kept our marriage strong is the fact for being open with each other and know everything about each other. I know that his biggest wish is to have sex with her. He told me that he wishes to go with her to see how he feels and whether he would be able to perform. I was totally speechless because I couldn't accept the fact that he had this wish and for 3 whole years, he did not try to do it with me.

For any one who is reading this please, I do not wish to see comments like dump him/ start a new life... all I want to know is why is this happening to me? I know this sounds crazy and out of this world but unfortunately it's the truth! Please help...

[Cat1864]

How old is your husband?

Has he ever gone to a doctor to find out what is wrong with him or is he using his 'inability' as an excuse not to have sex with you and doesn't want that part of your relationship to change?

This is not to be judgmental, but to make certain that everything going is among consenting adults. Is your lover's wife aware of what her husband is doing and consenting to the arrangement? If not or the only person telling you anything about his marriage is him, then you may want to rethink that relationship. It is one thing to be in an 'open' relationship with everyone consenting and quite another to be involved in helping someone cheat and mislead another person.

Is your mother still married to your father? Does she know about your husband's interest?

It's happening because you allow it to happen. You can't control another person and what they do or the choices they make, but you do control yourself and your choices. If I do the math, you were young and probably very inexperienced in relationships when you became involved with your husband. You have essentially grown up with this being 'normal' to you.

I think you need to have some guidance in learning what you want in a relationship and how to communicate with your husband. Your communications may be 'open' and 'honest' but I am getting the feeling that your needs are being ignored by him or shoved off on someone else. I do not get the impression that he is truly interested in having a complete and healthy relationship with you. Is this really the life you want? How much of your marriage revolves around what he wants and needs? How often does it seem that his likes, dislikes, needs, and desires become your own?

I think you need counseling for yourself and your marriage. I think you need to have someone sit down with you face to face. Someone who can help you sort out your needs from his. I think he needs to find out what is wrong with himself physically. I do not think that having sex with your mother or any other female is a good substitute for a therapist or doctor. I do think that through marriage counseling you might learn what really turns him on and that he hasn't been as honest with you as you think he has.

Look into counseling. Even if he won't go, try it for yourself.

[princessdiva]

Thanks for you generous e-mail. I am sorry I left some information out but I have so much to say. My husband is 34 years old. The reason we went to a doctor was to check why he will be in pain during intercourse. I do believe him but what hurts me the most is that he wanted to try it with my mum instead of me. What can I say? Maybe I am not attractive anymore? Did someone curse our relationship? My parents have been separated since I was just 6 years old. I was sexually abused by her partner at the time but managed to overcome it after some therapy.

She knows that he is interested in her but she's not ready to do such a thing because she says that she should respect her daughter first. (that is me) I also told her personally that his biggest wish is to be with you because he does not see it as a threat being with someone from the same family. Maybe I am mad but for the love I have for him, I tried to grant his wish so I'll make sure that he will be happy. Sometimes I feel like bursting in tears because I never thought this would happen to me.

I will go to a counsellor maybe at least I start figuring out my life...