[SeiAsh]

So two weeks ago I was asleep in my bed, until I got a phone call that woke me up saying "I've kissed her". "Her" referring to her best friend who two weeks previous to that confessed she had feelings for my girlfriend and agreed not to act upon it. A week later, we have split up and now I am lost while she spends everyday with this girl.

Background information:
Me and my girlfriend have been going out for 2 years, we worked together, lived together 6 days of the week.
Everyone saw us as the perfect couple. We were even secretly engaged to one another. (because we didn't want to look like idiots getting engaged so quickly. My choice and she agreed). I loved her and she loved me. We even went to america with each other for a trip to Florida in July, it was the best time we ever had.

This September she returned to university and I started. Distancing ourself from 5 minutes away to 2 hours away and now at 5 hours away from each other, but we would still Skype every night, talk all day. It was until she actually started talking to this girl.

This girl is reckless, and before this year at uni my girlfriend used to make fun of her, make fun of her being lesbian (from a traditional background). Even before the year my girlfriend knew her but didn't speak to her.
My girlfriend, a proud nerd, spent most of her time doing work, watching television and talking to me. We were happy.
Since she has been at university she drinks a lot. She delayed doing work for socialising. This may sound like normal university behaviour but it wasn't for her. She lived life via plans. For example ,when going to Disney she planned what ride to do at what times so we could get everything done. I understand that is over the top but it is one of the things I love about her. She thinks.

As soon as I found out about her kissing this other girl my instant reaction was "Distance yourself from her for a while" which made sense because she was coming home for a week due to half term. Instead she didn't.

She kept texting and talking to her about how she wants to be back at uni. I couldn't go home because I have a work load to do at university but as soon as we split up I got the first train possible which meant I arrived home at 1am Thursday night. From here I went to her house, knowing she was asleep and left a message in her garden saying "I love you" reckless thing for me to do but I thought "Lets try being romantic".

We spoke a little about why we broke up, she said she had seen this coming from August, because we had become comfortable and worked, ate, watched TV, slept, woke up, showered, ate, worked. I only ever saw this as growing up and becoming an adult.

This was also because I worked 5 days a week over the summer. I worked so we could have trips to london, to the cinema, to theme parks (Our nerdy habit, we worked at one) Worked with her 3 of those days. In that time she was fired from the job and I risked my own job trying to find evidence that she was innocent.

The weekend after she kissed the girl she was meant to come to my uni to organise a trip to paris for the week over Christmas, just the two of us. I feel I was left at the peak of our relationship with no signs.

Since then I went to watch a fireworks display with her so we could talk and I promised it to her when she got fired that I would take her to it. We rely a lot on promises. Here I stood a couple of minutes with my arm around her before she thought to take it off. I kissed her, she kissed back. Then 30 minutes later she said she can't be friends at all or see me at all.

When we kissed, there was/is something there. A week later communication has almost all gone, there has been the normal "Do you think we will ever get back together?" and "Do you have feelings for me and her?" with she replied all with no comment. I then said I will respect her choice and not force her to answer but all I want to do is talk to her. But I know for a fact that she sees this as a Hannah Montana situation, if she could live two different lives it would be perfect.

The reason I feel so bad that it is this girl is not a sexuality thing, I for one have already experienced a girl leaving me for another girl and am Bi sexual myself. But from what I know from my girlfriend is that this isn't what she wants out of life. She wants to go into advertising because I want to go into the Media industry, she wants a normal family, children. That is all she wants.
Stuff I feel this girl cannot provide for her. Well not in the "normal" sense because I have seen how people act with children from two mother families.

On the other hand I also feel this girl is harming my girlfriend, she is sacrificing her education and health for her. A girl who normally has her work done 3 weeks early is now battling a deadline. My girlfriend was also an ex cutter before going out with me and while going out with me she hadn't done it, not even once. When I saw her last, I saw marks, lots.

This girl is also a cutter, and now I feel she sees it acceptable, that its now an OK thing. I understand why she cuts, but I do not agree with it and as I have said I am there for her if she relapses.

The sad thing is we had around 40 mutual friends, she removed them. Ones who supported her in her appeal at work. Ones who preferred her over me. Gone. Its as if she is on self destruct at the moment.

I really feel that this is just a phase for my girlfriend and that soon she will be over it (by soon I mean Christmas), this is because being a musical fan she seems to be referencing the Musical R.E.N.T a lot on how she feels. That as if life is a film and she is not hurting anyone with her actions. I'm not just scared about my feelings for her never vanishing but also her body and mental health. What do I do next?

P.s. She is my first and only love. Only proper serious relationship that latest more than 2 months...

[samm101]

Sorry to hear of your situation
It sounds to me like your girlfriend is confused at the moment. Its also a case of opposites attract, you say that she is organised in almost every way and in my opinion,maybe she comes across as a bit of a good girl. Thing is, your girlfriend is young and at this stage might not have experienced a lot yet. Most people find that when they go to university, they begin to break the mould so to speak. Its an unexplored territory. She's spending most of her time in lectures mixing with all different kinds of students with diverse backgrounds & opinions, it can be very influential and almost refreshing to experience the new. The 1st few semesters she stuck to a schedule but maybe now she's finding her feet,becoming more comfortable, wanting to hang out with new friends inc this girl also she's seeing how much fun everybody else seems to be having going out socialising & feeling she's missing out.
Take it from me, romantic attention/attraction between girls can be very intense.
She is obviously enjoying the attention but also from what you are saying she sounds mixed up.

You need to learn to let her go. I know you say you love her but you are the one getting caught up and hurt in all of this. Try going no contact, I got the advice off people on this forum to do it. It hasn't been easy on my side but take it from me, not knowing all the painful details of what she's getting up to will help. How are you ever supposed to get over someone if you are getting constant reminders of them? Cut contact on fb to avoid temptation too. Time really is a healer. Only by giving yourselves time will either of you begin to make sense of things.
I understand you are worried about her but you must remember that she is a grown woman and that you are not responsible for her. Don't burden yourself with worries. She'll be OK. I'm sure she has her family & her friends to help take care of her?
She knows where you are if she does find she needs you, be there for her if that time ever comes.
You need to focus on you for now. You mentioned that you are also in university? Why not get more involved in things. Join a few clubs or socs? Socialise with your coursemates when the opportunity arises. Get in contact with friends from back home who you might not have seen while you've been at university. You need a good support network so when you are feeling down they can help take your mind off things.
Hope things start looking up for you soon

[mmresd]

First mistake you are making is not accepting the obvious. For example, "My girlfriend left me for another girl, but its not fully over." Is WRONG! This is over, it was over from the moment she started having feelings for someone else, officially over when she started turning her back on you, and reinforced whenever she said she doesn't even want to be friend. What you have to do now is let it go, accept her decision and respect it like you said it would, and start moving on. She is young, and she doesn't want what she wants, also, she is not ready for a relationship with anyone, regardless of who it is. She is just experiementing, and that period may end tomorrow, or in a couple years from now.

She is no longer yours, or nothing of yours, you need to stop worrying about her, and take this useful time apart to start healing, remain no contact. Keep yourself busy with work, school, health, or whatever it is you like to do and allow yourself and her to live your lives peacefully and apart.

[vanheart]

I agree with both of the above.

The past, or reasons don't really matter.

Its more about you rising above.
Realizing reality. You thought this was something else. Sorry.

"Hannah Montana situation"
You are funny, man.

Let her do what she wants.
You do yours. You both had your fun.

Be cool & go NC, like you could care less.
That's EXACTLY what you need.

[talaniman]

I think your first love is over, and after a proper healing you should be ready for the second. In the meantime, leave her alone, and get your own happiness without her.

Sorry guy but break ups happen, and it sucks, but we move on to better things.

[SeiAsh]

Quick update:
I found myself on her private blog today because I had nothing to do. My plans for the day got cancelled and friends had gone home for the weekend. Reading through it I extremely got the feeling that this may just be a phase for her, that one day soon she will wake up to what is actually happening and see sense with lines such as "I hate this, why couldn't life be simple" and "I'm so confused" going throughout the whole posts since the split, with the most recent being yesterday.

I have to admit we haven't spoken to each other and talked about the situation we are currently in since the red mist was in place which was just a shouting match. The break up wasn't pretty and I feel majority wasn't meant to happen. It was just things where said in the heat of the moment. I don't actually know who split up with who because I handed my stuff here back to her (photos, trinkets) just to help me get over her and she accepted them. I know at the moment I am currently in the denial period. I go by everyday thinking "O she will come back to me." and "I know I'm the one she truly loves" and I try telling myself its over but it doesn't register.
What I found really weird was that I said "If you don't come down to my uni this weekend (after she cheated) its over for good." and she came on the next possible train and while we were here we tried to fix things but the events where too soon. Too raw.

Also I did contact her the other day saying "Look I can't talk to you for another week or so because I got other things to do, good luck with your work" Because I was meant to have a sports match this weekend (canceled) and got about 3 pieces of work to do but am struggling to get my head around them.

[martinizing2]

SeiAsh

As Tal said, your love is over. I know it is hard to admit and accept but that is the only way you are going to heal and get over this.

See the "no contact" sticky and do what it says.
No talk , no text, no FB, no tweets, if you see her don't even wave.

This will start your new beginning . Anything else delays the inevitable end and makes it harder.
I don't want to sound cold and calloused but I am so I often do, sorry.

You cannot deal with reality until you face it and I don't think you have faced it yet.

Look out for yourself and move on.

[vanheart]

This is a great opportunity to learn to start living your life without her.
Keeping busy, doing things for you. Maybe stuff you are neglecting by having her occupy your thoughts.

I've been there. Many times.
Try not to replay everything in your head, or better yet, use those thoughts to your benefit.
And stop checking her blog & what not.

This may all feel out of your control, but actually, its just the opposite.
You are in control from this day on.
The past is the past. Not everything works out as planned.
Or expected. That's life.

"I found myself on her private blog"
By accident?

[SeiAsh]

We spoke yesterday and decided it was over. The reason I was given was petty but I guess I'll just have to accept it. She said it wasn't because of this girl it was the way in which I acted after the split. I was angry and upset. Well, I would say they are normal emotions. I told her I would never speak to her again but if there is a valid reason or she sees sense sometime and I am not over her, depending what she does I may consider. We removed each other off everything, apart from our numbers. But we don't text anymore anyway.

What made matters worse is I suffered a concussion after a sporting injury last night which meant I was bed-ridden meaning all I had was time to think. We talked about her being Lesbian. She says she doesn't know, and you know what. I hope she is because then I could understand why its over, but if this is a phase or a thing for this person then it makes me feel that giving her the best I could still makes a girl want another girl. (This happened previously). What the biggest problem I am finding is that she isn't her anymore and she kept saying "Things Change". I believe that isn't true, things influence things to change, its your choice to accept it or not. And what I question most is that if she ever actually loved me. If someone can turn there feelings off so quickly. So easily. One day planning a week in Paris to dumping them something has to be mentally wrong. Its not natural, even if you are the one dumping. Its only been a week and a half.

Right now I don't actually think I want to be back with her, not as she is now. She isn't her anymore. I just want answers to know why. Everything seems to be a personal attack towards her and the world is against her. I still feel that having this girl living over the road from her is strongly influencing her and misleading her as well. Because she is naïve. In a sense I feel pity and sorrow for her. She has become what she hated most.

[talaniman]

Let it go. All of it. It will take time. No more contact what so ever right?