[joeday92]

Moved to its own thread

Dear readers,

Following a big argument me and my beloved girlfriend of around 2 months, decided to go on a break, but we were still texting with smiley faces and it was clear that it was a very loose break if that.

Anyway, 1 night after the break is Halloween. We're both students and live in the same city so naturally, we end up in the busiest club in fancy dress together. Now I make attempts to try and talk to her, but at the same time can't stop looking at her and just killing myself inside that I'm not over there dancing with her.

She starts to spot me, at a bar. Talking with another female course mate, I'm not going to lie she's good looking and we were flirting, that is all. She presumes in a moment of drunken spite that I'm taking her home. So at the end of the night she finds this big lerch that has been dancing with her friends all night (yes I saw him, makes it 10 times worse) and takes him back, to her bed, the bed I sleep in with her, and has a one night stand.

The next day I ask, and she breaks down and tells me. She comes running round to my house and won't stop saying she's sorry, it meant nothing, and that she has (and still is) crying for hours over the sickening thing she's done. She apparently kicked him out straight after and "sat in the shower crying wishing she could peel her skin off" as strange as that may sound to some of you, to me its comforting knowing she hates herself inside for what she's done.

Now , we were on a break, she made a presumption, she presumed wrong. Even on a break I still define sleeping with someone else as cheating. Now I still love her, deeply.. as does she to me, and I'm trying to work past it, but every know and then I'll stare at her bed, or someone will mention that night and I just breakdown!

Why did I get so drunk! I could have been sober and stopped it!
Why didn't I make more of an effort to talk to her!
Why wasn't I more forceful!
Why didn't I turn up at her door to apologize!

These are all questions I just keep throwing at myself, I'll never get an answer and I'll never be able to change what happened.

Now, I'm not perfect, I have kissed girls while being on a break with her before but I morally draw the line there, because to me sex is a very emotional and beautiful thing and the fact that she has had that with someone else, since being with me . Now it just kills me

And to make it worse, Ive seen this guy. And I just can't stop imagining him getting home after a night out and high fiving all his flatmate's about the whore he just banged, but that's my girl, my pride and joy. My everything...

Sometimes I'm with her, and its fine.. and its like it never happened, but there are triggers everywhere. And last night she just snapped and couldn't deal with me being such a mental breakdown right now. She said you need to choose, because basically I'm ****ing her about with this do I still want you, can I ever forgive you? Because frankly I'm trying but its been 48 hours.

She's losing patience and somehow making ME FEEL BAD!!

She is not living in a fantasy, she knows she broke my heart, she knows she's potentially ruined everything, and trust me I know she hates herself for it.

But how do I move on with her, how do I get to the point where I can be around her and not think of him, of what happened, how can I make her say sorry and make it feel OK.

How can I love her the pure way I used to. Please somebody help me, I'm in desperate need of help.

FYI, a very close friend recommended counseling for it, do you think this is a good idea ?
Thanks
Joe.x

[talaniman]

Counseling is a good idea to guide you through the process of accepting what has happened, and not expecting things to go back to the way it was, and learn some good coping skills and learn to think before you act or speak, so your own frustrations, anger, and insecurities cannot make you say and do impulsive things. Time can heal you, if you can recognize that living in the present and leaving the past in the past, then you can build, and not tear down an already hurt, and fragile relationship.

I hate to say that maybe this is better done on your own without her, because unless you learn the discipline and self control over your own feelings, then you will soon force her away from you.

A few days or months is hardly enough time to deal with this situation, or even let the emotional dust settle to give you time to adjust correctly, because I see a big red flag with bad behavior done out of anger and revenge myself. That you feel its your fault for being drunk is a good cause to see a counselor and gain some clarity, based on FACTS, and not just hurt feelings.

[mmresd]

Such a fresh wound is going to sting for a bit, you are going to have to get over it with time, as to how much time you need only you know. Maybe try staying apart from one another to get over it, if you complete can't, then the rest of this relationship will be a torment to you, maybe it is time to call it. However, if you really want to be together, no matter what, you two will survive this. She is making you feel bad because it is her self defense, she messed up, big time, so either you forgive her, or you forget her.