[kanne88]

When I was 21 I got engaged to a guy I had been with for 5 years. He decided he no longer loved me and called it off, though I had been wanting to for a long time but never worked up the nerve. Six months after the engagement ended, I met a great guy who I'll call Carl, and with the prodding of friends decided to give him a chance. I knew at this point that I was not ready for a relationship, but decided to give it a chance because of everyone's prodding. I had dated plenty of other guys in the six months that I was single, but I knew something was different about Carl so decided to give him a chance. Now Carl and I have been together a year and I just feel a lot of anxiety in the relationship and don't know what it is since, besides my ex, I don't have any real relationship experience.

I know I am very insecure about Carl's past. There is nothing significant about his past, but I think it is the fact that I never had to worry about a past before since my ex and I were each other's first and only everything. I don't worry that he will cheat on me, I'm just uncomfortable with the idea that he shared what he is sharing with me, with other women before. I know I don't think about my ex when I'm with him, so I don't know why it bothers me so much!

Also, the BIGGIE... I constantly worry I don't love him enough or like I should. When I was with my ex, it was an unhealthy relationship. I became dependent on him and outside of work he was was my only friend and contact. I felt like if I lost him I would lose everything and had an inexplicable sense of closeness. With Carl I do not have that feeling, I just feel a sense of comfort and I know if I lost him I would be able to go on. This scares me, is this normal love (that might be somewhat tainted because I have had to move on before so I know I can do it)? I care about him a lot and do things for him all the time simply because I want to show him I care, I just over-analyze every interaction we have trying to figure out if we should be together or not. I know my relationship before was unhealthy, but were those intense feelings for my ex because of that, or are those normal feelings of being in love with someone? I feel like I'm trying to learn how to date backwards, and starting at 23. Any advice is appreciated as I am LOST right now!

To clarify any questions about Carl- while he is far from perfect, he is an amazing man who would do anything for me and treats me wonderfully. We get along well, though we do bicker occasionally (which I find healthy as my past relationship never had that because neither of us ever spoke up), we come from similar backgrounds, have the same values and religion, and same plans for the future. Basically I feel like I should be begging him to go buy a ring by now, but the thought of marriage still scares the crap out of me since I almost made a bad mistake once already.

[mmresd]

Maybe the problem is it is too soon for you to be considering a serious relationship with someone already. I would suggest to stay dating, or at least not serious relationship status for a while longer. Another fault of yours is that you are comparing the two people. You need to see the good in things, you don't need to feel the same thing you felt for the first one because that will never happen, what we do is learn how to love the next one. First partner is always important to remember, especially so you don't make any mistakes again like the codependancy, but be happy to have found someone like your current guy and appreciate his company as well.

[Homegirl 50]

Take your time with this guy. You are dating as an adult, not a teen. You are a different person.
Just relax and enjoy what you have. Marriage does not have to be in the cards right now, it's only been a year.

[cvince4638]

Well, it looks to me like you already have the answer in your head. The hardest part is letting go! I also went through pretty much the same thing. With my ex 4 about 6 yrs. Sent him 2 college in another city and he left me 4 some other girl. After him, it took me a while to even want to date because I didn't want to have to get to know someone all over again. But like u, we had a good relationship. We got along great and I was comfortable. Although, comfortable, DOESN'T MAKE U HAPPY! God puts people in your life 2 help u, hurt u, love you and leave u, so that you can become the person you were meant to be. Each experience is 2 teach you what love is and isn't supposed to be like! Take my advice, it's never going 2 work trying 2 love someone else, if your still learning how 2 love yourself! I hope this helps a little & best of luck to you and your future. Remember, don't hold out for something... HOLD OUT 4 EVERYTHING!

[talaniman]

Your instincts are telling you to slow down, pay attention, and learn more. Have fun as you do, and don't get carried away. A year is not long to be dating, to soon to plan a life yet.

Just single 6 months before getting with him, after 5 years of young love? Yeah, caution is a good thing I would say. There is a lot to deal with, so go slow and deal with those new unknown feelings.