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simi0908 · Oct 30, 2011, 02:13 AM

We have been in a relationship for around 10 months. We had a break up a month ago because my guy is afraid of commitments so he pushed me away from himself. After realizing that we can't live without each other we patched up again. The problem is that we know that we don't have a future but we still want to be together. Day by day we're getting more and more physically involved which is not correct morally. It seems like "Friends with benefits". What should be done? Should we stop dating each other or is there any other option available to us?

DaniCalifornia · Oct 30, 2011, 03:18 AM

If you're both happy with the level of your relationship, then there's nothing wrong with it. If one or both of you feels like what you're doing is wrong, then you should probably stop. Ask him how he feels, and where he sees you both going.

X Dani

simi0908 · Oct 30, 2011, 04:34 AM

We both are happy but we feel that too much of involvement will hurt us if we don't have a future.

simi0908 · Oct 30, 2011, 04:36 AM

We both are happy but we feel that too much of involvement will hurt us later in future.

DaniCalifornia · Oct 30, 2011, 04:46 AM

I see, but how much more involved do you feel you can get? Are you both in love?

X Dani

simi0908 · Oct 30, 2011, 04:53 AM

We were good friends before and since we started dating each other, things have changed a lot. We care a lot for each other. We love each other. Even after he pushed me away, love got us back because all that time he missed my presence a lot.
We got together after he had a break up from a relationship he was damn serious about and the girl ditched him, I was with him all that time. It took me long 5 months to get that girl out of his head and he is afraid that even I leave like she did.

simi0908 · Oct 30, 2011, 05:21 AM

Each time we meet we aren't able to resist each other's touch. Even if I try to control him I'm not able to and when I asked him that "why you get involved so much?" then he says that he can't control it.I don't want to feel guilty or think about all this so much. I am happy but not being together forever is a big issue for both us.

JudyKayTee · Oct 30, 2011, 05:43 AM

If your relationship is "not correct morally" (your words) continuing is a mistake.

Fr_Chuck · Oct 30, 2011, 05:49 AM

Why is there no future ? Whose choice is that, there is always a future if both sides want it

talaniman · Oct 30, 2011, 04:51 PM

Draw up some boundaries for the physical stuff, that you both agree on, or at least YOU, and enjoy it while it lasts.

How old are you both?

simi0908 · Oct 31, 2011, 11:44 PM

We are of the same age and have known each other since school. The problem is that he was serious for someone in the past and the girl left him and created a lot of problems for him and his family so he's afraid that his parents won't agree if the same things happen again. And he's not giving in so much because he thinks it will hurt both of us in future.

JudyKayTee · Nov 1, 2011, 07:12 AM

You stated: "Day by day we're getting more and more physically involved which is not correct morally. It seems like "Friends with benefits"." You seem to believe that what you are doing is not morally correct so you are lowering your standards (morals) to be with him.

If he is unable/unwilling to commit and that is what you need/want then you need to walk away and not settle for less. If you don't want to have a "friends with benefits" relationship stay friends with him but don't have sex.

It's as simple as that.

Maybe he'll get over his previous betrayal. Maybe he won't. The good news is that you won't be involved in that decision.

(What do his parents agreeing have to do with anything? His parents don't want him to date? That seems like one big excuse to me.)

simi0908 · Nov 1, 2011, 10:44 AM

We have settled with a friendship pact and we both have decided to stop each other when any one of us tries to come closer. I think its better off as being just friends and enjoying each other's company and moving on with time.

talaniman · Nov 1, 2011, 11:06 AM

So you have settled for makeout buddies, instead of friends with benefits? You do know there is no difference between the two? Still no commitment. Hmm, he gets what he wants, you don't, because he can have other makeout buddies besides you. You cool with that?

How old are you both??

simi0908 · Nov 1, 2011, 11:17 AM

We both are of the same age. I know what sort of friendship is it going to be like, once I find a new guy and move on he's not in the picture. He's only there to handle all those problems that I am stuck in because of him. And it's better not talking much, not paying much of attention. I agree with you, he gets what he wants but this time I will get what I want out of it. I want him to realize what he has done. And I surely will.

JudyKayTee · Nov 1, 2011, 11:21 AM

As long as you are clear headed, know what he wants, know what you want, I see no problem BUT (and I'm an investigator, I get asked to do surveillances, I get into relationships gone awry - not saying that is the case here but I have seen it happen) no two people EVER decide it's over at the same time. I see one of you getting badly hurt.

That's the risk you take in any relationship but in this situation I think it's pretty much guaranteed.

I do agree with you about time - it's amazing what a little bit of time can do.

simi0908 · Nov 1, 2011, 11:27 AM

It will be easy to forget things if he's there because he always knew how to make me laugh and smile after my worst crying sessions so I still have a reason to smile that I didn't lose the friend I had for so many years. I don't know what is in store of me. May be I deserve a lot better than this and perhaps I don't have a choice either. We could always enjoy as good friends least its going to be permanent unlike a relationship.

JudyKayTee · Nov 1, 2011, 11:30 AM

And my story is - dated someone in high school, met again years later, both married, resumed our friendship (no male/female connection, purely as friends, often with spouses). He widowed. Some years later I divorced. We became an "item" for a brief period. We were wonderful, supportive friends. I could tell him anything. He could tell me anything. We had each other's backs. I remarried, he remarried, we remained (and remain) friends. We were wonderful friends - and not so good in a relationship.

Breaking up the relationship was sad and difficult because I was VERY attached to his children. Very attached. That's a problem with relationships that go nowhere - you become attached to the other person's family and friends and then... it's over.

I have no idea why but anything permanent between us would have been a disaster.

So as long as you know what the rules are, no problem.

simi0908 · Nov 1, 2011, 11:37 AM

We got together after he had a break up with his ex.. He had faced a lot since then failed in his exams, he was screwed by the police and was threatened by goons.. I came into picture after that. He loved the idea of me consoling and caring for him and that way we grew in love. Love does exist but the thing is there is no use of getting hurt after a few more years of relationship when things were not going to happen. Once he gets his life on track he might think of trying pull back those strings that is something that will happen with time..

talaniman · Nov 1, 2011, 11:51 AM

This sounds more ike dependency to get through hurt feelings, than a healthy friendship, let alone a healthy adult relationship.

What am I missing here? If you feel rejected, or not getting what you want, why not a clean break, and move on to better things?

Why are you holding on to something that ain't happening.Whats the game? All I see is a growing resentment, and false hope.