[hurtangel]

My partner of ten years, recently bumped into someone from his past, and those feelings came flooding back to him. He was friends with this woman as a teenager, and they slept together, and she got pregnant. The families told them they would never see or have anything to do with each other ever again. And they kept this secret for 25 years. One month ago, they literally bumped into each other in a restaurant. Now, my partner says he loves me, but still has feelings for this woman. After much soul searching, I realize we can not go on as a couple, until he determines if there is a future with this other woman. I will not let this hang over our heads, he needs to figure it out. So, we have agreed. He will continue to talk to her, and see if there is anywhere it could go. Am I crazy? I love him, and want him to be happy even if it is not with me.

[Cat1864]

May I suggest couple's counseling?

I don't think you are crazy, but I do question his commitment if he is allowing an old flame to turn his head. Even with their 'break up' the way it was decades ago, he should have healed and let it go long before he met you.

It sounds like a great way for him to escape the present by reliving his past. It also sounds like a great way for him to do more than talk to her and expect you to still be there.

I think you need to decide just how long you intend to wait on the sidelines for him to make up his mind about what he wants. I think you to decide what you want and make it clear that you aren't going to pick up the pieces if he goes to her and it doesn't work out. You deserve more respect than to be used as a back up if the present doesn't match up with the past.

Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to make up his mind. Take care of yourself.

[Jake2008]

I have mixed feelings about this.

On the one hand, you could scream and yell and demand that he have nothing to do with her, and after 25 years with this man, he would likely leave her alone completely, or, he would hide the truth from you.

On the other hand, he's being honest with you. You aren't finding out about an affair, and you aren't dealing with trying to figure out what's going on with him. You already know because he's told you.

By being upfront about it all, you show that you trust him enough to face this woman, and given him the opportunity to make his choice. He would have done this anyway, with or without your blessing so to speak.

I would not however, leave this open ended. Set some boundaries. Give him a certain amount of leeway, but have a time frame in mind so that this doesn't go on without him making a firm decision. If he chooses to sleep with her, if it were me, that would be a deal breaker. While you are allowing him this time to figure out what's going on with his feelings toward this other woman, you don't need to be a sitting duck either; after all, his obligation to you as your husband has to be considered too. You need the understanding in my opinion, to decide whether you wish to stay. This cannot go on forever without some expectations.

Also, what happened to this baby they had together? Could some of this have to do with he has a child that is now an adult, that he has never met?