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polychic · Oct 16, 2011, 08:23 PM

Years ago, my ex-wife asked me to relinquish my rights and allow her husband to adopt my daughter. I love my daughter very much, but at the time and for most of her life I was in the army and thousands of miles away from her due to multiple deployments and PCS's. While it absolutely broke my heart, I honestly felt that allowing her step dad to adopt her was in her best interest. It was her opportunity to have a normal life with a dad that could raise her everyday and be there for her. The man is a wonderful man and I like him very much. Since the adoption, they have divorced and both parties have remarried. They had a very dirty divorce and are in a constant struggle to get along. In addition, Last year, I was medically retired from the army due to multiple injuries incurred in Iraq. I returned back "home," with my wife and children. I have the utmost respect for my daughter's parents, but recent events have shown that both parties have lied to her and told her things about me that are completely untrue... They use me as a tool to control and tear her down, telling her I didn't want her and abandoned her. I am considering speaking to a lawyer about my rights, if I even have any. I know that I probably do not have any rights to her, but she wants to know me and is curious to know my family and me, but both my ex and her ex are in such a brawl to be in control that she and I suffer. Can someone help please? I'm even willing to say that I wasn't in the right mental capacity, just returning home from Iraq, to make such a huge decision... If there is such a clause somewhere that would fit it. I live in Arkansas

Synnen · Oct 16, 2011, 08:41 PM

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but unless your daughter is 18 and able to establish an adult relationship with you, there is NOTHING you can do.

Relinquishing your rights means that you have absolutely no legal connection to her whatsoever.

polychic · Oct 16, 2011, 10:09 PM

Well, she'll be 18 in 7 years :/ Thanks for the answer. It's what I figured. Unfortunately, while the law is black and white, situations aren't. It looks like I gave my daughter away. But I really thought I was giving her a better quality life. Her parents completely wrecked that and now have her caught in a hate war. All that matters to me is that she knows that I didn't abandon her, that I love her and that she feels loved and safe. I can only imagine how hurt she feels thinking that her father threw her away... it wasn't what I intended. Enough of that, though. Thanks again for the info.

ScottGem · Oct 17, 2011, 03:36 AM

What I would have done is write your daughter a letter at the time, explaining why you decided to allow her step father to adopt. If she was too young to get that letter at the time I would have given it to someone for safe keeping to be delivered to her when she was old enough (10-13). I offer this for anyone reading this thread who might be going through a similar experience. Many times allowing an adoption is an act of love.

I would have also tried to maintain a relationship; birthday/holiday presents, letters, calls, etc.

But, her legal parents control access to her. If they will not allow you to contact her, then you cannot. So the only thing you can do is write that letter and give it to someone for delivery when she turns 18. And hope that the damage isn't permanent.

cdad · Oct 17, 2011, 01:07 PM

Originally Posted by polychic

Well, she'll be 18 in 7 years :/ Thanks for the answer. It's what I figured. Unfortunately, while the law is black and white, situations aren't. It looks like I gave my daughter away. But I really thought I was giving her a better quality life. Her parents completely wrecked that and now have her caught in a hate war. All that matters to me is that she knows that I didn't abandon her, that I love her and that she feels loved and safe. I can only imagine how hurt she feels thinking that her father threw her away... it wasn't what I intended. Enough of that, though. Thanks again for the info.

You actually do have a right in this situation and depending on how the adoption was written (if an open adoption) which is what it sounds like. Then you have an avenue of recourse. If one or both parties are lying and disrupting the relationship that you have by harming it with false statements then you have a right to sue or at a minimum get a restraining order against the party or parties based on defamation of character.

Take a look at this link as it explains the legal definition for you and what defamation really means. Be prepared to back up any claims with facts.

Defamation of Character

On a side note. Thank you for your service to this countery. Bless you for it.