[JCooksy]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 (going on 5) years now and I have a 4 year old (soon to be 5) year old son with my ex-husband. I was awarded physical custody, he was given supervised visitation rights along with child support that rarely gets paid (if I wish to see CS for our son I have to *badger* the courts and HOPE he has a current job and the State (we live in Indiana and this is where the order is issued) if he IS working then the State takes the CS directly from his check because he has a bad history of NOT paying it on his own) and he hasn't seen or even tried to contact our son since October of 2007, just one month before our son turned One. He has moved repeatedly and changed jobs so much that I do not know where he lives or works, and at this point I do not care anymore. My boyfriend who has been the only (real) father my son has known since before my divorce (my son knows his biological father's name and all that but he does not consider him his father/daddy) and I do not like my son being *torn* by this situation and he doesn't even really want anything to do with his biological father (even at just 5 years old). I have attempted to get his bio. Father to be in his life but he makes excuses and flakes on him. My boyfriend and I have (in length) discussed the possibility of him adopting my son and we both suspect that my ex will try to fight, or he just won't care and let it happen, but short of being told *get a lawyer* by everyone we've tried to talk to about this (which we can't afford) we still have no idea as to what we need to do to start the procedure. For those who read this and think that they should point out "well the bio. Dad is paying CS", re-read the part about the CS support because HE doesn't actually pay anything and yes I understand that the CS I receive comes out of HIS paycheck but it is not actually being paid BY him in the sense that he has NO CHOICE in the matter because the State has stepped in and is doing that part FOR him, but that is also ONLY when he IS working, which he does sporadically and when he gets *bored* with going to work he will start screwing off until he is fired or he quits (this isn't just what I think will happen, it is what I KNOW will happen because this is what he has done in the past over and over even before we got divorced) and then I receive NO help for possibly months on end. I am fed up with having to take him to court over this and my boyfriend has already been supporting my son since he was an infant both financially and emotionally. Does anyone know what we have to do in order for him to adopt my son?

[Synnen]

1. Get married.
2. Stay married a year.
3. Get a lawyer. You CAN go through the adoption process without a lawyer, but you can also go through an appendectomy without a doctor. I don't recommend you try either.
4. Ask the biological father to relinquish rights so that an adoption can go through. He may agree just because once the adoption is final he stops paying support.
5. If he will NOT agree, you'll have to show the court why it is in your child's best interests to have his rights severed. You will need PROOF that it is in your child's best interests.
6. File for adoption through the courts.

[JCooksy]

For your 'Get married'... we shouldn't HAVE to get married just so that he can adopt my son and I don't recall seeing anything about having to be married in order to adopt and I guess you skipped over the part where I said we've already been told to *get a lawyer* by everyone else we've spoken to and we would do that but we CAN'T AFFORD that. But thanks for the attempt at help anyway. (No I am not trying to come across as a b*tch or anything but I am just SICK of people only listening to PART of what I tell them and then telling me to do the thing I JUST said I can't afford.)

[Synnen]

Actually--why would any court give a permanent, LEGAL connection to your child to this man when you and this man won't make a permanent, legal connection to each other? If YOU won't commit to marriage with him, why are you willing to commit your kid to him?

And I'm sorry--but I've worked with the adoption community for 20 years now. What you can NOT afford is to have the adoption process be flawed in any way so that the biological father can come back later and overturn the adoption.

I'm sorry you don't like the truth, but you're the one who asked how to do it, and I told you how. I'm sorry you don't like it--but maybe if EVERYONE is telling you to get a lawyer, that's how it has to be done.

[JCooksy]

Nowhere did I say that I WOULDN'T commit to him in marriage but we have not gotten to that point yet. We both DO want to get married but not immediately and NOT just to permit him to adopt my son in that way, and REQUIRING someone to marry their significant other in order to go through the adoption process is discrimination, we have both committed ourselves to each other AND our kids and just because we have not decided to *tie the knot* at this time doesn't change the fact that we are both committed to this relationship and our future together and yes I WOULD commit my son to this man even if he and I decided we never wanted to get married but just stay in the relationship we are in. What would you tell two homosexuals asking this same question (say one of them had a child from a previous relationship and their significant other wanted to adopt the child with consent of the parent) because last I knew the State of Indiana does not allow gay marriages, would you tell them the same thing? Like I said, I am not trying to be *snappy* or *argumentative* I am a disabled mother who is just trying to do the RIGHT thing for her child and make sure he is taken care of the best way I can, my boyfriend has already been FULLY supporting him since he was still an infant and the bio. Father wants NOTHING to do with him at all (not since Oct. of 2007) and he has even already abandoned one child from a previous marriage before ours. All I wanted to know was what can I do in order to start the filing to get it to court MYSELF. I can't work because of disability and I am living on a VERY fixed income and so I can't even dish out a measly $100 for a lawyer and that is why I am trying to find out how to do this on my OWN.

[kcomissiong]

You are being really combative here, when the answers you have gotten are not just solid advice, but the law in your state. Its not a judgment on your choices, Synnen is relaying your state's requirements.

I actually looked this up, and yes, you have to be married for a year for your partner to adopt in Indiana. What you are asking about is a step-parent adoption, which is so-named because it requires a step-parent. You NEED to save for an attorney. Its not something you should even consider doing yourself if the father won't consent. Do this improperly, and you run the risk of the biological father being able to overturn the adoption. He may even be granted a large chunk of visitation or custody. Can you imagine how that would affect your child?

Your local family clerk court will have the forms you need, but won't walk you through the process. The filing fee for just the initial petition in your state is over $100 dollars, which you won't get back if they throw out your filing because you made a mistake. Many lawyers offer free consultations, and can give you at least an idea of what preparing the petition would cost, and that way, you'll know what kind of money you're looking at.

Furthermore, what Synnen said about legal connections is true. What you are trying to do is to ask a court to permanently sever the legal relationship between your child and their father, and to create a permanent legal relationship with a man who could walk away from you at any moment because you aren't married. It has the potential to put you back in the EXACT situation you are in now, with an unmarried father who won't support their child. (Again, this isn't a judgment of your relationship, but the reality of having a child out of wedlock, and courts look at things like that)

This is the legal board, and those are the realities of your legal situation. If you want to vent about it, or discuss fairness of your state's requirements, the adoption board may be better. But, as far as the legal aspects go, you have the answer.

[Synnen]

I would also point out that my advice to a gay couple would be to move to a state that allows gay marriage.

And sorry--I tend to side with the courts on this one, not the empathy-party. Children should not be handed from parent to parent without those parents having a legal connection themselves. If you can't or won't make a legal commitment to your significant other--like marriage!--then why in the world would you do so for your child. Then what happens when you do NOT get married "down the road", end up in ANOTHER relationship, and want THAT unrelated legally or biologically guy to adopt your child?

It makes you look fickle and it makes you look self-serving if you're not willing to make a legal commitment to the "father" of your child, whether that father is biological or defined by actions, but you're willing to just sign the kid up for that legal connection without the child fully understanding the legal connection.

In other words, if there are reasons you won't make that commitment yourself, then those SAME reasons are why a court won't allow you to make that commitment for your child. They're protecting your child from YOU by doing so.

[JCooksy]

Again I point out that I never said we WEREN'T going to get married, right now we are working out some problems he is having with his daughters mother and NEITHER of us want to get married while we are having to deal with this problem. Synnen is making judgements about me and my boyfriend without even reading what I have said I have pointed out numerous times that I NEVER said that we WOULDN'T or COULDN'T commit to marriage but no we aren't going to run out tomorrow and do it just for this. We have BOTH talked about marriage and he has already expressed his feelings on it and that he wants for us to get married and I want that as well but again like I said we are working out the problems with his daughters mother before we make ANY major changes like marriage, which at most will only take up the next couple of months. No we will not get married JUST for the sake of him adopting my son because that in itself is just plain stupid and wrong but we DO plan on getting married but because we WANT to be with each other and NOT to appease some arcane law.

[kcomissiong]

That until you do, he cannot adopt your son in Indiana. The arguments that Synnen gave are the reasons that the requirements are in place, not a judgment on you or your relationship. They are the reasons a judge would give you for why he/she is denying your adoption petition. What Synnen and I have been trying to say is that despite your belief that this requirement is arcane, it is the law in your state, and will be the first step in even considering the adoption process. The bottom line is: no matter how much he loves your child, no matter how much he supports him, or what you believe about the fairness of the requirement, it is the law, and he will not be allowed to adopt as a step-parent until he has been a step-parent for a year. There is no other answer we can give you in this situation. When that has happened, you can move forward with the adoption process, and I strongly advise doing so with the guidance of a lawyer. I'm not sure how else we can answer you.

[JudyKayTee]

The Law has already been explained to you. The only way to change the Law is to petition for change. That's not going to happen overnight.

The Court feels that if you and your boyfriend aren't committed to each other you aren't going to be committed to raising a child. You can't marry because of problems he's having with his "ex" - but he can bring a child into that same situation?

If you can't afford an Attorney to make this legal you can't afford to raise a child - it's as simple as that.

It's not about what should happen - it's about how the law is written and you've been told how the law is written.

We aren't the people you should be arguing with.

This is also a good example of why it's not a good idea to marry and/or have children with losers.

[JCooksy]

KCO I get what you are saying but I also know that there are some situations that are different. {Insults removed} I have been raising my son for 5 years now without ANY help from his bio. Father and yes he is a loser and I should have listened to his family when they told me not to marry him but I did what I *thought* was right because of the way I was raised and I tried to do what was right by my child and when the relationship turned abusive I ended it and kicked him to the curb but without that *loser* I wouldn't have my wonderful son who means the world to me and we aren't going to run out and get married while he is in the middle of a court battle over his daughter (which rarely happens between them) we would rather wait until this current court dealing is out of the way rather than have what WOULD be our *Happy Day* just some miserable day. That just means that we want to enjoy the joining of our lives.
KCO what about in cases like this: Consent to adoption is not required from a parent if the parent is convicted of any of the following and the victim is another child of the parent:

Murder, causing suicide, or voluntary manslaughter
Rape, criminal deviate conduct, child molesting, or incest
Neglect of a dependent or battery

I am not saying that we are trying to have my boyfriend adopt him like next week but we want to start getting the info we need for when we get to that point. I never reported the abuse my ex imposed on me and he WAS reported to the courts for the neglect of my son before I kicked him out and he was also reported for abuse of his first ex-wife and I believe neglect and I know he was hit with abandonment of his other son, my son's older brother.
I want to know what we can do IF he wants to fight the adoption when the time comes, although I am not all that convinced he will even both, I just want to be prepared.

[kcomissiong]

I don't think any of those situations here apply. It has been said on this board by another member that you pretty much have to roast and eat your own kid before being stripped of rights, (I think it was smoothy) and that is illustrated in the examples that you gave. Your situation is unfortunately common, and there is nothing there to suggest that you will be granted a rare, involuntary termination. Indiana does make provision for going around consent where there has been complete abandonment of the child, in significant communication or financially for an extended period. However, significant communication is subjective. A court will consider if there are barriers to a relationship with the child including financial, or parental (ie: You being hostile or preventing visitation, him living too far and not having being able to afford visitation). If he says that he has changed and wants a relationship with his child, the court will give him an opportunity to have one. The child support, however infrequent is his money, being paid to you, for the benefit of your child. If he is making payments, even through payroll deduction, then he hasn't financially abandoned the child. I don't see anything in the information you gave that would be cause for an involuntary termination, or to waive the marriage requirement.

[Synnen]

I am NOT making judgments about you.

I AM getting fed up with pointing out to you that the LAW is NOT on YOUR side, though... and the REASONS the law is not on your side.

Sorry you want to do things backwards, but society STILL likes the idea of MARRIAGE before CHILDREN. It creates a more stable environment for kids, for one thing, if one parent can't just leave because they no longer like the other parent.

Again, I'm sorry you don't like the truth--but if you want things to go the way YOU want them to, you need to live in another state. Though frankly--I don't know of a state that doesn't require there to be a step-parent before there is a step-parent adoption.

And again--you CAN go through the adoption process without a lawyer, but it will cost you more in the long run because you still have to pay all of the court fees, and then you have to hope you get it right, because if you don't do it EXACTLY the way it needs to be done, the adoption CAN and WILL be overturned in favor of the biological parent.

Sorry you don't like the truth about your situation. You can argue adoption semantics with me all day, but it still comes down to the LAW in your state says you have to do it a specific way, and if you don't do it that specific way, you're not doing it at all.

[JudyKayTee]

I find your use of the word "retarded" to be offensive and juvenile. And, yes, that's what I told you. If you can't afford a legal adoption you can't afford a child.

And, trust me, Synnen knows what's she's talking about whether you happen to agree.

You have posted a number of legal concerns in your life regarding support, custody, visitation. Is this the same boyfriend who has a conviction for assaulting his last partner/wife? With our without the father's permission this attempted adoption could be a problem - a very large problem.

[JCooksy]

That is completely ridiculous because what you said what if a person can't afford a lawyer then they can't afford a child and no I can't afford a lawyer but that's the great thing about our legal system, I have the right represent myself if I choose to so NO WHERE did I say anything about not being able to afford a legal adoption because I don't HAVE to have a lawyer to proceed. Besides unless you have been in someone's shoes you shouldn't try telling them what they can or can't afford.

[Synnen]

Nope, you're right. You do not HAVE to have a lawyer.

Like I said, you don't HAVE to have a doctor to have an appendectomy, either. Just someone who has basic knowledge of anatomy and a knife.

But if you do NOT have a lawyer (after you get married, of course), please do not come back and ask us how you stop your ex from overturning the adoption.

Thanks.

[GV70]

IC 31-19-2-2
Adoption of minor child; petition; venue; substituting petitioner
Sec. 2. (a) A resident of Indiana who seeks to adopt a child less than eighteen (18) years of age may, by attorney of record, file a petition for adoption with the clerk of the court having probate jurisdiction in the county in which:
(1) the petitioner for adoption resides;
(2) a licensed child placing agency or governmental agency having custody of the child is located; or
(3) the child resides.
(b) The county in which the petition for adoption may be filed is a matter of venue and not jurisdiction.



IC 31-19-2-4
Consent to adoption by petitioner's spouse
Sec. 4. (a) Except as provided in subsection (b), a petition for adoption by a married person may not be granted unless the husband and wife join in the action.
(b) If the petitioner for adoption is married to the:
(1) biological; or
(2) adoptive;
Father or mother of the child, joinder by the father or mother is not necessary if an acknowledged consent to adoption of the biological or adoptive parent is filed with the petition for adoption.

IC 31-19-9-1
Consents required
Sec. 1. (a) Except as otherwise provided in this chapter, a petition to adopt a child who is less than eighteen (18) years of age may be granted only if written consent to adoption has been executed by the following:
(1) Each living parent of a child born in wedlock, including a man who is presumed to be the child's biological father under IC 31-14-7-1(1) if the man is the biological or adoptive parent of the child.
(2) The mother of a child born out of wedlock and the father of a child whose paternity has been established by:
(A) a court proceeding other than the adoption proceeding, except as provided in IC 31-14-20-2; or
(B) a paternity affidavit executed under IC 16-37-2-2.1;
Unless the putative father gives implied consent to the adoption under section 15 of this chapter.
(3) Each person, agency, or county office of family and children having lawful custody of the child whose adoption is being sought.
(4) The court having jurisdiction of the custody of the child if the legal guardian or custodian of the person of the child is not empowered to consent to the adoption.
(5) The child to be adopted if the child is more than fourteen (14) years of age.
(6) The spouse of the child to be adopted if the child is married.
(b) A parent who is less than eighteen (18) years of age may consent to an adoption without the concurrence of:
(1) the individual's parent or parents; or
(2) the guardian of the individual's person;
Unless the court, in the court's discretion, determines that it is in the best interest of the child to be adopted to require the concurrence.

IC 31-19-9-8
Consent to adoption not required; written denial of paternity precludes challenge to adoption
Sec. 8. (a) Consent to adoption, which may be required under section 1 of this chapter, is not required from any of the following:
(1) A parent or parents if the child is adjudged to have been abandoned or deserted for at least six (6) months immediately preceding the date of the filing of the petition for adoption.
(2) A parent of a child in the custody of another person if for a period of at least one (1) year the parent:
(A) fails without justifiable cause to communicate significantly with the child when able to do so; or
(B) knowingly fails to provide for the care and support of the child when able to do so as required by law or judicial decree.
(3) The biological father of a child born out of wedlock whose paternity has not been established:
(A) by a court proceeding other than the adoption proceeding; or
(B) by executing a paternity affidavit under IC 16-37-2-2.1.
(4) The biological father of a child born out of wedlock who was conceived as a result of:
(A) a rape for which the father was convicted under IC 35-42-4-1;
(B) child molesting (IC 35-42-4-3);
(C) sexual misconduct with a minor (IC 35-42-4-9); or
(D) incest (IC 35-46-1-3).
(5) The putative father of a child born out of wedlock if the putative father's consent to adoption is irrevocably implied under section 15 of this chapter.
(6) The biological father of a child born out of wedlock if the:
(A) father's paternity is established after the filing of a petition for adoption in a court proceeding or by executing a paternity affidavit under IC 16-37-2-2.1; and
(B) father is required to but does not register with the

Putative father registry established by IC 31-19-5 within the period required by IC 31-19-5-12.
(7) A parent who has relinquished the parent's right to consent to adoption as provided in this chapter.
(8) A parent after the parent-child relationship has been terminated under IC 31-35 (or IC 31-6-5 before its repeal).
(9) A parent judicially declared incompetent or mentally defective if the court dispenses with the parent's consent to adoption.
(10) A legal guardian or lawful custodian of the person to be adopted who has failed to consent to the adoption for reasons found by the court not to be in the best interests of the child.
(11) A parent if:
(A) a petitioner for adoption proves by clear and convincing evidence that the parent is unfit to be a parent; and
(B) the best interests of the child sought to be adopted would be served if the court dispensed with the parent's consent.
(12) A child's biological father who denies paternity of the child before or after the birth of the child if the denial of paternity:
(A) is in writing;
(B) is signed by the child's father in the presence of a notary public; and
(C) contains an acknowledgment that:
(I) the denial of paternity is irrevocable; and
(ii) the child's father will not receive notice of adoption proceedings.
A child's father who denies paternity of the child under this subdivision may not challenge or contest the child's adoption.
(b) If a parent has made only token efforts to support or to communicate with the child the court may declare the child abandoned by the parent.

[GV70]

Conclusion:
1. There is no requirement under the law that they have to be married.
2. The adoption proceeding has to be consolidated with TPR./ I am not sure that someone may do it PRO SE/
3. It will be long / and expensive/ process.

Adoption by a third party, particularly where one parent intends to retain parental rights, is tricky and complicated.

[JCooksy]

Thank you GV70, you and KCO have been the only ones who have given me any *actual* info on it without coming across as being condescending or judgmental about this *problem* I am trying to figure out.
As for the rest of you, all I wanted to know was what we would have to do IF the Bio. Father decided he wanted to try and fight the whole thing and that is a pretty big *IF* seeing as he has already abandoned both his other child and the only reason I can't get him for abandonment for my son is because the State is holding the CS right out of his checks at this point, if I had chosen to move along with this whole thing 2 months ago (instead of attempting to do what I *thought* to be the 'right thing to do' and trying to keep his bio. Father involved in his life, which is a wasted effort on my part because he is already trying to weasle out of having to pay the support anyways) then I could have already had him charged with abandonment of my son due to NO contact whatsoever since Oct. of 2007 and that he has gone well more than a year without even financially supporting my son. My WHOLE point of this was to find out what we would need to do in that (extremely) slim chance that my ex does want to try and fight it. The type of person he is, he will probably just agree that it's the right thing for my son and do it so he can be *done with it all* but I wanted to know my *options* (all of them) before I even tried to start working on it. Y'all may think that you aren't being judgmental or anything like that but the way that you *talk* to me on here about this comes across as just that.

[JudyKayTee]

Sorry - I read your question (your words) as: "Does anyone know what we have to do in order for him to adopt my son?" Perhaps the 3 threads concerning OP's concerns with the father, the child and the boyfriend should be combined so the situation can more easily be understood.

The boyfriend has a criminal record for assault on his ex-wife (or girlfriend). Doesn't this impact on the potential adoption?