[n2life83]

This thread was merged, with another one by this posterand edited/T

Jealousy, threesomes, poor communication, what's next?

He is 35 years old and came out of a 12 year relationship about 9 months ago. I am 27 years old and we started dating about 2 months ago. From the get-go he said he wants a girlfriend type. The type of girl he can be with for long term and even live with... To love and be loved in return. He said he wanted a girl that can be with him everyday and exchange sweet texts throughout the day. He said he could see that with me so he explicitly said he would like to pursue something long term with me. This seemed to work great for me since I was looking for the same in a guy. We hung out almost every day and communicated every day.

Things were going great until about 3 weeks ago, I felt he started getting distant. I would try to engage him in conversation via sweet texting and he wouldn't really respond. I figured he was turning his phone off since he wanted to rest (he is a very hard worker and sleeps little). So I stopped texting him as much... Which resulted in me visiting him less often.

Then about 2 weeks ago, he texted me out of no where while we were at work and he asked if I had ever been with a girl. I replied "I think women are beautiful, but no... I've never done more than kiss a couple of girls" he responded with several happy faces. I didn't continue the conversation much.

About a week ago, I went to visit him and text him "I'm here" at 9:50pm. We just laid in bed since he was falling asleep (from a long day) and didn't cuddle much with him because I was feeling upset that all attention is coming from my end lately. So bored and not sleepy, I tinkered with my phone a bit until I decided to go home and finish my laundry. I left his bed at 10:30pm, gave a quick kiss, and told him I'm going home. On my drive home he texts me "You're here where?". Then he follows with "Hmmm, strange how you mess with your phone while you're laying next to me, then you leave all of a sudden, and then 10 minutes later you text 'I'm here'... DOESN'T YOUR FRIEND JOHN SMITH LIVE NEXT TO ME?" So once I'm home I respond "I'm at home doing laundry. You must've gotten my 'I'm here' text delayed. John smith doesn't live next to you... And don't think I'm cheating on you because I'm not" I follow up with "I want you and you only... To love and be loved in return"... He doesn't respond.

Throughout the week I leave him be. I don't send sweet messages twice that week asked to meet him... It ends up being at night to cuddle. I continue with my life as normal. Then last Saturday, I don't message him at all. That night he starts engaging me in sexual texting which I respond to. Then he asks what I'm doing, I tell him I'm with my friend Amber. This excites him and he starts pressuring me to get Amber to go home with me and him. I laugh it off and go along with the joke. Then realize he's already making plans to meet us... So obviously he's not joking. When I finally meet him that night after long exchange of texts. I confront him and ask "Why do you think I would be OK sharing you with anyone?"... He responds with "I just wanted to watch a movie with you two girls" he basically repeats that, not wanting to say much. Until I just ask him "What's going on? Do you not want to be serious with me? Because I want to be serious with you... Just talk to me, what's going on?" then he finally speaks and say's "I know you've been talking to John Smith and Joe". I immediately admit to the guilt and explain I haven't seen them since he and I got together (which is true) and will do whatever it takes to make things good with us... To delete guys/clean up my phone/ facebook/ etc. I basically become apologetic.

Last night he asked again about the 3-way. I never directly said no... Instead I just inquired about the circumstances and conditions. In fact, I wouldn't be completely opposed to a 3-way (as long as at least one guy is involved) but I'm concerned with the consequences (Jealousy, Safety, reputation, physical, mental, and emotional health) for everyone involved. After some great sex, he starts falling asleep and I ask him "So you want permission to sleep with other girls then?" he doesn't respond. I say "If you want that, wouldn't you be better off single?" he says "I don't want that". And falls asleep.

I realize yes, many guys fantasize about 3-somes with 2 girls so I don't blame him for being curious... Especially since I never said no. I've decided however that the risk is not worth the brief reward... So my answer now to him is NO. Problem is, now I'm questioning my whole relationship with him. Here are my questions:

1) Are 3-somes truly a fantasy for most guys? Are most guys truly so dense to not wonder of how it will affect the relationship? I'd rather not read too much into this if it turns out he's just curious.

2) Am I being too apologetic with him? (I'm not normally this patient with guys I date... But I developed many feelings in the beginning). After all, I apologized for not telling him about John Smith or Joe but when I asked why he looked through my phone he denied he even did. But I KNOW he did, because I never even mentioned John or Joe.

3) How can I better our communication? I've accepted he's not as expressive as me. I notice he tends to either deny there's a problem, make little of the problem, make it MY problem, or not respond altogether. I can see how that's a part of his 'chill' and 'drama-free' persona he claims to have but com'on now.

4) On Sat he said "I have many friends in the area, and I know John Smith lives around here. Don't cheat on me because I will know. I'm not dumb. I'll find out... I have my ways". His statement is somewhat aggressive... Is it worth addressing? If so, how?

5)

[talaniman]

Leave him alone to get back to being calm and chill. I don't like those veiled threats and don't text messages have a time stamp on them? Even delayed ones?

[vanheart]

Is this the kind of guy you want?
That's the real question. What's your intention? What do you want?
Just sex? If that, you already have it.

He isn't going to be anything else.
He's using & abusing you.
Does that feel good?

I would kick him to the curb.
His intentions are already proven.

Just worry about yours.

[KennyG333]

Okay, I understand where you are coming from to a certain extent. I myself am not in the best relationship. My advice to you is to ask yourself if you truly love this guy. You sent them body pics, living carelessly and just wanting to have fun. I do understand that. What I don't understand is why would you innocently flirt with these other guys that you hooked up with through texts when you are in a current relationship. I don't care how serious the relationship is, the moral foundation of having one is trust and you broke it by simply doing that.

So I can completely understand where your boyfriend is coming from. He is a jealous type, I am too. My girlfriend told me to work on it, which I am. Honestly, it is your fault for making him feel like this.

You have to realize you made the mistake and you guys need to talk it out. Tell him you are now ready for a serious relationship. He needs to work on his jealousy issues. As for the texting thing. Why wouldn't you just ring his doorbell? It sounds like you two are still living at home, and that you didn't want to have anyone else answer the door because you are not comfortable with his family. If that is the case then you two are not ready for a serious relationship because you need to be comfortable with his family. The other option is that it was late and you didn't want to wake anyone up, so just call him.

Bottom line, you messed up by texting these other two fools who you said mean nothing to you. Tell him you messed up and you think you are ready to get serious. You both need to be mature enough to have this talk. If the talk turns into a yelling fight and you don't say I love you at the end of the talk, you both are not ready for a serious relationship at all.

[talaniman]

If the guy is dumb enough to make an issue of the past before you two got serious, maybe he is the one who isn't ready for a serious relationship. I don't see where you have anything to be ashamed of, after 2 months.

[n2life83]

A few days ago I told him I do not want to share him with any other girls and I'd like him to not bring up the 3-some topic again. To my relief, he agreed to that without a problem.

Things have been very distant with us for a few weeks now... the first month we were dating we were on cloud nine... blissfully spending as much time together as we can. At some point, though, he made a 180 degree change. I found myself always pursuing him. Until I got fed up last night I asked him to consider my feelings. He said he didn't think he was doing anything wrong and that I need to stop "tripping". I told him I think its great he spends time with his friends, but I'd like for him to make an effort to spend time with me, too. We had a few exchanges where I tried explaining my feelings... supporting them with facts. And he oversimplified the issue while getting irritated- saying, "com'on! I'm just hanging with my friends!". Anyway, he said we should take a break, and I said I agree. I just proceeded to get ready to meet a girl friend Jenny to hang out.

Soon after our agreement to take a break. Throughout the night he sent several texts "Go out with him. I already know whats up with you. Go to Jakes (a local bar) and have fun tonight. Go meet with your guys. Just be careful with your texting and who you mean to send them to... and your accidental late night calls." Except he added many more exclamation marks and uppercases. I tried my best to dispute, explain, and understand his accusations but it seemed to just upset him more. Finally I replied "I'm going home from Jenny's house, You never trusted me and that's what ruined us. We could've been happy together"

KennyG. Yes, he definitely has some jealousy/trust issues. It stems from his previous relationship of 12 years. Even his best friend told me that this morning when we spoke. And yeah, I'm wondering if I could've handled it better and just deleted the other guys a lot sooner... I wish I had. I wonder if this is the reason he made the 180 degree change.

I'm hurting. I have no problem meeting guys, but I've never met one I liked so much. I liked him a lot, I want him back... back to how he was in the first month of bliss. Can I possibly get that bliss back?

Talaniman. I think you're right. He's not ready for a serious relationship yet. Maybe in several months when he chills from these trust issues... when he's no longer hurt from his ex? After he can reflect and find his own happiness? We can rekindle..

Vanheart. I believe he is a wonderful guy who happens to be in a slump. Healing from a brutal breakup with his ex. I've seen the wonderful person he is. I don't think it's a façade to impress me. So yes, this is the kind of guy I want.

[talaniman]

After only 2 months, don't expect a lot from a guys potential. Especially one who has not shown he is capable of living to his own potential, or resolving HIS personal issues.

You are wise to step back, and regroup your own feelings, expectations, and make good adjustments that work for YOU. Until he is willing to respect your feelings, and act in a cooperative way with you, why would you give him your heart?