[jellybean49]

How do you talk to an Ex again and when should you do it? I don't necessary want to be back with him but I think with time apart I would like to talk to him again. I would like to thank him for the time we had spent together but I don't know how or when to do it?
HELP!

[rol]

Wait for him to contact you.

[LBP]

This is a question I would like answered also... I have no desire to get back together with my ex, but I still care for her quite a bit and would like to thank her not only for the great memories (we got very lucky in that department) but also that she (unwittingly of course) helped me understand myself and how I go about things in life, to the betterment in how I deal with the everyday and my future in terms of women especially.

She's not perfect and neither am I, but in both dumping me and loving me before that she helped me learn so much that I can't help but be thankful. I figure a year or two and then a 'thank you for helping me learn about myself' message should be appropriate - hope she takes it at face value!

[Copperhead6]

Guys, okay if you are going to contact the ex, please make sure there is no hidden agenda to get them back. Most of the people on this website frown on making contact so I'm not going to be one to jump up and recommend it. But... if you are going to do it, do it the right way. First, do it early in the week, usually Tuesday or Wednesday night, make it semi late, say between 8 and 9:30 because this is usually when they are going to be relaxed and most open to talk to you. Once you start getting toward the weekend you will be a lot less likely to get them on the phone because they may have plans or are in the middle of plans as you speak. 2nd, if your worried about that first few moments of weirdness when you talk, just suck it up and battle through it. If it's a good friendly conversation nerves will go away in a minute or two. Just hang in there. Be friendly, absolutely do not mention getting back together. You have to be as confident as possible, whatever it takes to get you there. I actually had a chance to get back with my ex after a few phone calls where I played it cool and didn't pressure her but just talked like old friends, I think it reminded her of what we used to have! I did however have to take about a 3 week hiatus from talking to her before she started responding favorably. Time makes people wonder about you. Anyway I hope this helps, and I don't really know what to tell you if they don't answer, I don't know if leaving a message or not would be smart but I do know don't try more than once if its ringing, fortunately mine always answered lol good luck!

[Copperhead6]

Oh yea, I speak from experience because I definitely had a hidden agenda, which was wrong of me and I lied to myself and said I just wanted to talk. But live and learn baby! I didn't take her back! You guys are running a major risk here of falling into a setback! Your going to hear that voice and start having dilusions of being back with the person. If you make this phone call take it with a grain of salt and absolutely do not expect anything to come from it! I don't want to see either of you lose the progress you have made.

[Nosnosna]

That depends on a number of things:

First, who initiated the break-up? If you initiated it, give them plenty of time. I'd say not less than a year, and probably somewhere closer to a year and a half. This isn't from the time of the breakup, it's from the time that they stopped trying to get in touch with you on a regular basis. They need time to get over the hurt, and the last thing they need is you to show back up and reopen the wounds before they've moved on. If they initiated it, wait until you don't actually have any real desire to get back in touch with them. Then wait another few months. At that point, you're probably ready for it.

Second, how serious was the relationship? The more serious the relationship, the longer you should wait. It's hard to quantify this part, so I'll leave it at that.

Third, how long was the relationship, and how much of that time was the decline leading to the breakup? The longer the relationship, the longer you'll both need to be truly over it. On the other hand, those longer relationships are the ones I personally would be most interested in talking to, just to say hi and thanks, and part on good terms. The longer the period in which things were awkward, the longer you should wait, too, because that just means there's more stuff to deal with in each of your heads.

Fourth and finally, how messy was the breakup? The uglier it gets, the longer you should wait. If you split reasonably amicably, it shouldn't take long to be able to talk as adults. If cheating was involved, it'll probably need to be quite a while. In general, I feel that whichever partner was more wronged in the lead-up to the split should always be the one to initiate the contact... if you cheated on them, you should wait until they approach you, because they're the one who has to move on from something.

All of this aside, make sure that any of this is done for the right reasons. No lingering feelings (good or bad) should be involved. If you do get in contact, keep it simple: Say hi, thank them for the good memories, and then part on good terms. Chances are, neither of you needs the other in your life at that point, as that is almost guaranteed to dredge up old feelings and start interfering with your life.

[valinors_sorrow]

oh yea, I speak from experience because I definately had a hidden agenda, which was wrong of me and I lied to myself and said I just wanted to talk. but live and learn baby! I didnt take her back! You guys are running a major risk here of falling into a setback! Your gonna hear that voice and start having dilusions of being back with the person. If you make this phone call take it with a grain of salt and absolutely do not expect anything to come from it! I don't want to see either of you lose the progress you have made.

I have to disagree here. What is this... do as I say but not as I do? That doesn't even work well with kids... how's it suppose to work as advice amongst grownups. :p Tuesday... Wednesday... forgive me but can it really matter like that?

Honestly, if "thank you" really needs to be said the universe will arrange one ordinary rainy day when you are rushing somewhere and you find yourself fighting with someone on the other side of a revolving door. It will be only a moment when you finally stop fussing and look. Sure enough, surprise surprise, its your ex and as you pass each other going round the revolving door together, you can yell "hey thanks for everything!" That should be sufficient. I mean... please! LOL The very best thank you that can possibly be offered by you is to apply the lessons well and be the kind of grateful for the remainder of your days that makes a wistful little smile when you think about it. Beyond that is totally unnecessary. But feel free to lie to yourself about hidden agendas (its all the rage just now) and call them. Be sure to closely follow that stiff script you have written down and rehearsed -- your ex will wonder about that one for some time, I'm sure. :rolleyes:

[Copperhead6]

Well I totally agree that calling them is not a good idea but they asked a question and I answered them to the best of my ability. They didn't ask whether it was the smart thing to do or not, they asked how to do it. And I helped them the best that I could!

[Skell]

I have to disagree here. What is this... do as I say but not as I do? That doesn't even work well with kids....how's it suppose to work as advice amongst grownups. :p Tuesday... Wednesday... forgive me but can it really matter like that?

Honestly, if "thank you" really needs to be said the universe will arrange one ordinary rainy day when you are rushing somewhere and you find yourself fighting with someone on the other side of a revolving door. It will be only a moment when you finally stop fussing and look. Sure enough, surprise surprise, its your ex and as you pass each other going round the revolving door together, you can yell "hey thanks for everything!" That should be sufficient. I mean .... please!! LOL The very best thank you that can possibly be offered by you is to apply the lessons well and be the kind of grateful for the remainder of your days that makes a wistful little smile when you think about it. Beyond that is totally unnecessary. But feel free to lie to yourself about hidden agendas (its all the rage just now) and call them. Be sure to closely follow that stiff script you have written down and rehearsed -- your ex will wonder about that one for some time, I'm sure. :rolleyes:

That's it! Let it happen on that rainy day. Why force things that don't need to be forced!! They don't need th be thanked. Really they don't!!

I loved you post Val but had to spread it!

[Skell]

Im a little confused though! The title of your thread suggests you want to get back together however your post indicates that you don't want to get back together, but rather thank him for your time together.

Which is it may I ask?

I have a hunch it may be more along the lines of what is suggested in your title? Right??

[Copperhead6]

This is great, but I don't think you guys are even making an attempt to answer the original question. If someone comes on here and asks how to build a fire, you don't say don't build a fire just go in the house and get warm. You can mock them, and tell them how foolish they are for wanting to contact the ex but the purpose of this site is to help people with the questions they ask! Not tell them they are wrong for thinking this way! All situations are different and maybe you should take it at face value that he just wants to communicate and not have them back!

[valinors_sorrow]

Well I totally agree that calling them is not a good idea but they asked a question and I answered them to the best of my ability. They didn't ask whether it was the smart thing to do or not, they asked how to do it. And I helped them the best that I could!

Oh, Copperhead we are free to suggest that what they want isn't either a good idea (and give good testimony of the whys and how's to that effect) or challenge how much sense it makes if they are contradicting themselves as long as we do it respectfully (exactly like Skell is in Post #10). It maybe takes some time here to see how much latittude there really is. :p

At the same time, if you think any post is inappropriate feel free to use the Report Inappropriate Post link in the upper right. To set the record straight, I wasn't mocking but hoped to use humor to demonstrate the lack of basic sensibility in the ideas I saw. I meant no disrespect to any author of such ideas. But we are free to agree or disagree with any information here as long as we don't disparage anyone. And as for my answer not addressing the OP, I have indeed answered the when and how to talk to an ex, just as jellybean asked. I don't know how you could have missed it...

When: close to never
How: as spontaneously as possible

That is an answer, certainly?

[Copperhead6]

Your right, and we all know that making the contact is probably not a smart idea, but to just look at the question subjectively needs to be done sometimes. Although with little detail it is hard to give a great answer! I usually feel like you guys do, I was just in the mood to dig in and try to answer one of these questions on here that seem to be so popular! Ive read a lot of yours, and skulls advice and I think you guys are spot on a lot of the time and really help people out! So keep on suggesting! ( ;

[Skell]

Thanks Copperhead and I understand the point you were trying to make. I really do. But I think now you can see where Val and I were coming from. We did in fact answer the question and then some. I suppose you could say we were nipping it in the bud before it became an issue. Because I bet if we only answered the question asked directly and didn't address issues that may arise later, then the poster would have come back here with questions and feelings that could have been averted earlier. Hope that makes sense.

I suppose what I mean is, is that if the OP were to go and contact the ex for whatever reason he or she may have (which is still unclear in this case), having been here for a while and seeing a pattern in human behavior / questions asked, I can almost certainly guarantee they would be back here asking why they didn't get the response they expected out of the ex when they contacted them!

They would be hurt and sad that the ex didn't share the same feelings they did!

Prevention is better than cure... Good saying that one!!

Bit of a ramble but hope it made sense. My brain isn't firing today! In fact I'm not sure it ever does! ;)

[Copperhead6]

Yes it does, and it is amazing to me to see how a lot of the questions on here follow the same pattern in one sense or the other. You can always tell what stage someone is in just by the questions they are asking! Sometimes it can be just as helpful for people to just look in the archive and they will find numerous people who were in the same situations and see how they responded, but it is nice that you guys never get bored of giving each new question direct attention!

[talaniman]

How do you talk to an Ex again and when should you do it? I don't necessary want to be back with him but I think with time apart I would like to talk to him again. I would like to thank him for the time we had spent together but I don't know how or when to do it?
HELP!

Forget the gratitude angle, I can't buy that at all. And to try and be friends with an ex, just me a very bad idea. I like Vals answer wait until the universe puts you together. Leave this guy alone because what you think is a good idea doesn't take into account his feeling so the idea has a tinge of selfishness in it to me. I mean how much time is enough? No one can answer that.

[jellybean49]

So I get what you are saying with if its meant to be and for us to talk then it is? I would also like to ask is it bad if you and your Ex do talk again and you would say you are sorry for the way you reacted in the past? After I had dated him I started seeing for a little while this other guy and he and I were put in the same situation I had been in before but I was on the other side of it. The Ex's. Would it be bad to say you were wrong too and say it was just a hard time in your life with all the other traumatic stuff that had happened around that same time too?

[talaniman]

Go back and reread the good advice you have gotten already https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-ex-60284.html
You don't need another post with basically the same question as you are going to get the same answers. Accept that its over and give yourself a chance to heal by leaving him alone.