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bullski_69 · Oct 8, 2011, 05:21 AM

Stick with me, this one is a long story! I am from a small island in the UK, 23 years old, after university I didn't know what do with my life. I had a few problems in my hometown related to my ex girlfriend, got me in a lot of trouble and accumlated a bunch of enemies in the meantime. Remember this is a small place, seeing these people is unavoidable. I decided to move to Hong Kong to teach english. I had been there this time last year and met a chick one night, said id stay in touch and we did. After months of talking on skype I came back to hong kong and moved into a flat with her. As soon as I arrived I realised it was a huge mistake. This girl thought I was going to marry her, as if we were in a serious relationship. She treats me so well but its too much, I don't get a second alone, when I'm doing something I can see her in the corner of my eye just staring at me, she gives me money to go out drinking with my friends, feeds me every day etc, but its just not right, I feel trapped in the apartment, I have found little work and failed to get a full time job. I have a few friends here but they consistently let me down and I feel so trapped and lonely. I could do with opinions from people other than my friends back home who of course want me to go home. Should I stay here, enjoying a good life with a woman that I don't love living a lie, or should I go home and be miserable in a dead end town with dead end people, except my mother and friends of course! Or is there a 3rd option? Any input would be greatly appreciated! Thanks

joypulv · Oct 8, 2011, 05:41 AM

You seem to have difficulty knowing what you want to do with your own life outside of friends and girlfriends. I would get that part of your life in order first - a career path, even if it's just a full time job to start, with maybe an eye toward a special area of interest, whether it would require grad school or training or apprenticeship. Otherwise you do have to mooch off women who expect you to marry them, right? You can't be independent AND broke very easily these days.
I also read into this little paragraph a tendency to have trouble with close relationships, even with family and buddies. It's pretty clear that you have problems with women. Not that we don't all have such problems, but you touched on the girlfriend in your tiny town and now the one who gloms all over you. But then you say that friends 'let you down,' and that to me is an indication that you expect too much. You let yourself down, those people aren't there to be your helpmeet in life, you haven't been bosom buddies since childhood. They can't let you down because it isn't required to 'be there for you.' I'm not sure what you expect and need from them anyway.
In short, I think you should go home and maybe wise up a little. Face the music and apologize whether you think you should or not, and say you are older now. Start that life, the life that's yours alone, the career or business or farm or tutoring or whatever you are good at or want to be good at. Let the relationships come later.
If you can't survive there, go to London or Edinborough or some other big city in the UK where it's easier to start all over.

bullski_69 · Oct 8, 2011, 06:04 AM

Wow, thanks a lot for such an honest reply. I never really admitted to myself how pathetic it sounded but your message really does bring it home, which is the kick in the balls I needed I guess! It's not all such doom and gloom as I make it sound really. I have savings that I'm living off at the moment, I have a degree in journalism and applied translation which I could put to use but I'm not sure that's what I really want to do. I just have the feeling that it's just me and not really the surroundings that are making myself feel like this. I am swaying towards moving back, but would really feel like I've let myself down by not making something of myself here. And the fact that id have to tell the girl and break her heart, I'm not so good at giving people the painful truth as you can see!

QLP · Oct 9, 2011, 03:30 AM

Try to stop seeing your present situation as one you have failed at. You went out with a whole bunch of expectations which didn't work out. Well, that often happens in life. Try to see it as a valuable experience that you can learn from. So it didn't turn out as you expected. I bet there are still things you can take away from it. You got to see and survive in a country a long way from home if nothing else.

If you don't have the feelings for this girl that she wants you to have then honesty really is the only way forwards. Though of course you will want to try and tell her with as much tact as possible. You need to remember that if you stay with her when there is no future for you together all you are doing is putting off hurting her. I'm glad that you care enough not to want to hurt her but sometimes it cannot be avoided and you can only let her down as kindly as possible. Would it be more kind to live a lie until it becomes truly intolerable and rob her of the time she could be spending healing and moving on?

Few of us make a one time decision that works out to be the plan for the whole of the rest of our life. Life is full of things to try out and learn from. That's how we can work out who we really are and what we really want. You are young. You have savings and a good education. I think it would be a good idea to go home, spend a little time taking stock, and decide what you want to do next in this great adventure that is life. You don't need to plan out the whole of the rest of your life, just the next little experience. Spend some time thinking about what your talents are, what you really enjoy, and don't be afraid to just try things out.

Fr_Chuck · Oct 9, 2011, 05:03 AM

In my younger days, if every "mistake" I made with women was taken that serious I would have been in bad shape.

So you misunderstood a relationship, and sorry most women if you move 1/2 way across the world to be with them, most likely would expect marriage unless you were not clear. It seems that you really did not chat online enough.

But yes, first why or how do you make "ememies" perhaps people who don't like you or something but it sounds like something more in your mind, but really who cares what others think about you.

I will agree, you seem to base life on what others think, not what you think or what you want.

talaniman · Oct 9, 2011, 09:30 PM

Your problem is simply not being honest. With yourself or others. Try it, it will free you to do better, and enjoy all your options, and opportunities.

You can't run from your problems, they will always follow you no matter where you run to. Deal with them, in an honest way.

0rphan · Oct 16, 2011, 02:03 PM

Firstly I think you have to do the decent thing by the girl your living with now,you cannot possibly stay with her even though she answers your every need,you are not being true to yourself.

I think you are homesick and are feeling the need to go back to the UK.You could go back to your home town, I am sure lots of things would have died down by now,even if they still bare a grudge,it won't last forever, apologize if you feel the need or just get on with your own life.Gossip is always replaced eventually with something new to talk about, people get bored with the same old thing.

If you prefer not to return to your home town, there are many other places you could start afresh you are still very young.

Always be straight with people and they will be the same with you.