[Seiriuqni]

- We are together from a year and two months
- He always texts/calls me ( on daily basis )
- He is very loyal and he almost doesn't talk to any girl so I won't be jealous
- He is funny, nice, merely supportive
However..
- When he gets angry, he gets extremely cold and never tries to fix any fight
- He has raised his voice couple of times before but I forgave him
- I have many problems at home and I don't go out at all so this whole summer I have been overly depressed and he was the only one I would share my stuff with.. I complain a lot ( I have social anxiety and lately I became annoyingly jealous, possessive and controlling but I'm fixing it and I'm better now).. However 2 weeks ago he got very angry because of my depression and complaining ( it was my mistake I know) and started raising his voice saying " that's it, I don't want to talk now, I want to sleep, I hate you right now, leave me alone".. However he apologized later and became extremely caring and loving.

However I'm so afraid of him.. I'm afraid of his anger and how uncontrollable he gets!. I am more of a " okay , its my fault" person.. While he is a man who never gets on his pride, though he would do anything to be with me, he would cancel dates with his friends for me and all this.. I know he loves me, but when we fight he totally changes to something else.. A person you can't talk to properly!

Do you guys think it's my mistake for being such a naggy, possessive person? And I should forget all this.. I love him to death and we are constantly thinking about marrying each other.. but deep inside I'm very scared! I grew up with a very violent father and I don't want him to reach this level too!. He is very preserved too, in a way that he would never "run" after me.. It usually takes time for him to actually make a move and fix a fight, but I never have the patience to wait so I usually make the first step to fix it..

Is this a healthy relationship ? What should I do to at least recover my pride ( for, metaphorically speaking , always seeking to fix everything even if he is wrong).. What should I do.. I want to make this work but I also don't want to be stepped on

PS: I am trying extremely hard to change and be a relaxing, less jealous and possessive girlfriend and it works.. He started calling me more and is not as distant as before.. So we are good! But how do I deal with the devil that comes out when we fight.. How do I get him to get more involved in fixing a fight.. I'm 21 years old and this is my first boyfriend so I'm not that experienced :) thank you

[Cat1864]

Something you might want to consider is couple's counseling. Are you currently seeing a therapist/doctor and on medications for your anxiety and depression?

It sounds like you need to work on communications.

When he is angry, sit down with him and calmly discuss the anger issue and how both of you can work together on ways to disagree without a disagreement turning into a cold war or yelling. Sometimes, people do raise their voices in arguments. It isn't a real problem unless the person is threatening or is doing it to control the situation such as he knows you don't like loud voices so he yells to get you to back off and he wins the fight. If that is what is happening, you need to agree that it is not a fair way to disagree and when things get that heated, you both need to walk away until you can calmly continue to discuss whatever the issue is.

You need to learn patience. Stop taking the responsibility for ending the fights on yourself. Let him come to you. It may be hard to wait, but if you keep yourself busy with your own interests it will be easier. This does not mean you shouldn't apologize if you are in the wrong. However, it should be a simple 'I am sorry' and no begging for forgiveness. It is controlling behavior if he always expects you to 'fix' the problems. He helps make them he can help fix them. If he won't, then you do not have a healthy relationship.

Find ways that he can let you know when you are starting to slide into being anxious or depressed. Sometimes it is easier for another person to recognize the signs than it is ourselves. Also you need to let him know before the spiral gets out of hand so that both of you can take measures to limit the problems. You might use a phrase or word. Anything that lets you both know you need to take proactive measures instead of reactive ones.

Both of you need to have time apart from each other to pursue your own interests and to have fun with your own friends. It helps you to maintain a better balance in your lives which makes you stronger and healthier partners.

The bottom line is that if you are not comfortable in the relationship then you shouldn't be in it. If you can't work together to build a healthy relationship, then you need to let go and work on your own issues before attempting to be in another one.

He sounds like he could be a nice person, but even nice people can be controlling and manipulative. You have more knowledge of your interactions to be able to see the warning signs. Pay attention and see if he might be causing issues to get what he wants. At the same time make certain you aren't using your personal issues to manipulate him.