[unhappymarriage]

Hi,
I am a lady and have been married for just over a month now, things have not been happy from the very beginning.

First of all, I don't like arranged marriages, I cannot believe you can love a person through sex, this is what people have been telling me, through sex you get closer to your partner. I don't believe in this though had to agree to arranged marriage as I was getting old and worry to my folks. I am in late 20s. Both of us have a late marriage.

After marriage I came to realize that my hubby's folks and silently he himself had lied to me and my family about some of his habits and most importantly his age. This started creating a mistrust about him in me. As days passed, I realized he is of the kind who makes lies then and there according to his wish for small small things which is quite unacceptable for me. I have discussed with him that all this causes discomfort in me and that he should be genuine to me, to which he has agreed to be more genuine.

We are of totally opposite in nature in everything. I am emotional (I believe all girls are to an extent) and feel I don't get the care and warmth that I need to get from him. He doesn't bother to ask about my well being or care when we walk together. He says, I am very childish when I ask him to care about me and says that I should be more independent and bold. He doesn't seem to understand the emotions of a girl though I have been trying to make him understand.

He also doesn't like to talk to my parents or his or her relatives, keeps them away as much as possible and says he doesn't trust people when they behave really good. He mentioned he had no plans to get married but agreed later as he saw people around married and have kids. He always talks in a sense that this relation is like a deal in every respect as to paying respect to one another, financial matters, everything which makes me more uncomfortable.

I always get a feel he is sticking to me just for sex. He doesn't do any physical harm to me but many things he says and does is just not right, like, he wants to go out with friends roaming on weekends rather spend quality time with me and understand me.

And I loved someone before wedding which didn't work out but he still loves me and I love him. I wanted to lead a good married life but after marriage when I don't get the love, care and support from my hubby, I tend to fall back to my boyfriend who is always there to emotionally support me.

My mind keeps comparing hubby with boyfriend for everything my hubby does and I am not happy with my hubby.

Please help me with the situation, I feel I cannot be happy with this person because of his attitude and faults but at the same time think could it be that I am unable to get my boyfriend out of my mind.


Edited/T

[Cat1864]

The first thing you need to do is let the boyfriend go. Keeping him in your life is complicating matters and causing you more confusion.

If you leave the marriage, it should be due to the fact you are incompatible and every effort has been made to work together to build a healthy relationship. You should not leave because you have another man waiting for you. It isn't fair to anyone involved and you would only be moving your problems from one relationship into another one.

For whatever reasons, you chose to enter an arranged marriage. You owe it to him and yourself to let your previous thoughts about arranged marriages go. It is very early in your marriage and there is still a chance to work through any differences and misconceptions. However, to do so means you have to be open minded and willing to put hard work into it. If you aren't, then you might as well return to your family.

Would both of you be willing to go to marriage counseling? Having a neutral third party guide you in ways of learning to communicate and work together might help bring you closer together as a couple.

You are right that sex does not equal love. However, it can be a way to bond on an intimate level while you give other feelings a chance to grow.

You barely know each other and that won't change as long as both of you are are set on being unhappy in your marriage.

You both do need time with your friends and family. Having a good support system outside of the marriage can help make you stronger in the marriage. But you do need time together, too.

How do you try to talk to him about spending time together? Do you give him reasons to want to stay home and get to know you? Do you allow anger, frustration or other negative emotions to affect your interactions with your husband?

Find a place of peace inside yourself and try not to allow negative emotions to dictate your thoughts and actions. Look for the good things and allow the positive aspects of your marriage to grow. If you put everything you can into changing your perceptions of the marriage and trying to make it work and it doesn't, then you will know you did what you could and can make future decisions with a clear conscience.

Give the marriage and yourselves time to adjust and learn. Arranged or Love, all marriages have a period of learning to live with each other and finding common ground while accepting that you can't really know someone until you live with them.

Good luck and may you make the best choices for yourself and your life.

[AJ_Hunsucker]

Well I am a man and I would like to share my problems. May be it becomes a food for thought for you. I have also had an arrange marriage. I and my wife were given a chance to see each other (could not talk) before marriage. However, there was no chance of refusal for both of us. From the day one, I was not interested in that girl. To me, she looked like a first year student (I am lecturer by profession and in the age of 35 treat such girls as children). After marriage, she told me she was 24. Anyway, the bottom line is I was never interested in that girl but I could not say no because my mother and the whole family was too excited for that girl. I did not have any girl in my mind so I said OK (never let anyone know about my feelings). The excitement of my mother and sister never allowed me to say no.

Physically, I never felt any attraction to that girl but before marriage I thought such things were secondary in the success of a marriage. However, it became real a trouble for me. I could not perform sex with that girl as she would always set me off whenever I would try to do that. After one year, I hit upon a solution. Now I first watch some movie full of semi nude girls (also porn if I get a chance of it) and then go to her (with those ladies in my mind). That is really irritating for me. In fact, I have lost dignity in my own eyes.

Besides physical relations, there is nothing common between two of us. I love to watch news, movies and songs. She loves to watch cooking shows. I rarely remember my own cousin names but she talks too much about her cousins and mother's fights. Whenever I come back from work, she immediately wants me to listen to her and then respond. That is really difficult for me as I have to sort out so many things in my mind. If I am watching TV that does not mean I have nothing to do. In my mind there are a dozen of problem solving machines are working vigorously. I never enjoy talking to her. In fact, I enjoy the company of my friends where I can laugh out so many daily life problems.

The most irritating point for me is she does not allow me to read any newspaper. The moment I hold a newspaper in my hand, she gets angry and starts crying. I don't know what to do at home as I can't watch TV, I can't read news paper, I can't use my lap top. My house has become a jail for me. Above all, I am quite suspicious about her relationship with one of her male cousins but I never let her know that. You will be surprised, in the last one year, I never let her know (did not gave even a hint) that married life was such a dull and boring experience for me and that it drilled my pocked to the bottom. I keep a smile (as if I really like her and don't mind anything) on my face even when she is crying and complaining angrily. Still I am always praying that she visit her mother daily. Today, I got sometime in college and saw this question. I thought I could share my feelings that might help someone. Thanks.

[Cat1864]

Mr. Hunsucker, I am not certain what point you are trying to make with your post. But if you would like help with your marital issues, please start a thread and we will be happy to give you advice.

[talaniman]

I don't believe in arranged marriages either but think since you have agreed you give it 100%, and a lot more than a month before you decide it will nor work.

You cannot do this, while still having the boyfriend in the picture, and not being able to learn this fellow better. You both have an awful lot to learn about being married and it starts with honest communication, NOT resentments. Maybe talking to your mother would help, or you both talking to a trusted adult religious leader is what you need.

I can tell you from experience that its very seldom one persons fault when a marriage fails. It usually comes down to the inability to resolve issues through honest communications. If you cannot speak with your husband, you better find someone to speak to.