[TheCompromiser]

This is sort of a letter addressed to this roommate (that they haven't and won't see) :

(FYI: Everyone's age in this situation is over 22 and under 25)

"You move in, and try to be super careful about the stupidest things. Worrying about very little things like how loud you can play your radio downstairs (where we've mentioned we can't hear anything several times), or if you can touch someone else's laundry if their clothes are in the dryer.

Yet you have not asked if its okay to spend hours on end monopolizing the living room, laying and sleeping on the couch with the tv turned up, inviting over friends everyday (when we mentioned a max of 3 times per week), laughing extremely loud in the kitchen for hours with them to the point where we can hear you and it is very annoying, taking the $500 pool key (that also goes to the fitness center we use) and keeping it for a week at a time, doing laundry 6+ times a week and leaving your clothes in for hours afterward, washing unusual things (like backpacks, shoes, shower curtains, futon covers and more on a regular basis), never wiping up after cleaning (I'm talking, crumbs all over the counter), leaving giant pools of water on counter tops for me in the morning, being all over your lover in the kitchen (yuck) and not even stopping for me, amongst many other odd behaviors.

And the weirdest and possibly most annoying thing is this game you play. I bring up a concern like being a bit more careful closing the door when you go in the bathroom because it keeps people up, and your response is "Well it's hard to be quiet if you really have to go (not accepting any responsibility), and the other roommate never buys toilet paper".

Seriously, you're answering my minor concern with a lame excuse and a change of subject so you don't look so bad?! And this is by far, not the only thing.

I say, have you seen the pool key, you say, "oh yeah I'll find it later, and can you do something about the lighting in this living room? I'm reading in the dark out here." Even when I bring up big concerns (like the lover and the noise), I just get an okay, and nothing changes.

You're even giving us the cold shoulder because we try and talk through these issues with you!"

My hubby and I will be leaving at the end of April 2012. Do we put up with it until then, or just say goodbye, but suffer money wise? Oh, and finding another roommate at this time is nearly impossible. Tried it last year, and we couldn't find anyone for almost 4 months.

[CliffARobinson]

First, I will say I thought you were writing about people I have had to deal with in the past. It was eerie.

Before any suggestions can be given, can you please elaborate on the current situation. This is an apartment complex or condo? Are you all on the lease? How many people in this apartment? What is in the lease regarding all of these issues you raise?

[justcurious55]

Why not have a house meeting? It will give everyone a chance to communicate their issues and work towards a resolution and agreements on house rules. And at the same time, the problem room mate will have a harder time changing the subject and shifting the attention to someone else's wrong-doings if everyone is there to talk together. Maybe some of the goals of the meeting can be to find a designated spot to keep the pool key when it's not in use, a laundry schedule, and a sort of house curfew for when guests are expected to either quiet down or leave.

Keep in mind, if you go this route, you don't want the room mate to feel like they're on trial. If they get that feeling, they're likely to become defensive and not listen or cooperate. Remember that it's an opportunity for everyone to voice concerns and they may have valid issues as well that need addressing.

[TheCompromiser]

This is a town home (rental), and only my Hubby and I are on the lease.

I think you (justcurious55) have a very valid point, and great advice for any rational point. The only problem is that she's done listening and caring (not to mention completely irrational). I forgot to include, the last time I had a talk with her (one-to-one, which all talks are), she did the "make up excuses and find another problem", then the next day she said "I wanted to ask that if you guys want me to move, could I get 60 days notice?" That to me is, "I'm shutting you out so it's my way, or I leave.." And frankly, she's the type where if things aren't her way, she'll find other ways to punish you! So if I said,"30 days", she'd make us go through hell, and if I showed any sort of hint of not wanting her lover around, the **** would hit the fan. Especially because the other roommate has a girlfriend he brings over, but he's very considerate about it..

Thank you for your responses. :)

[CliffARobinson]

You said you plan on moving out at the end of your lease, is this because of her?

If you cannot live with her until the end of the lease, you need to start the process of getting her to leave. If you cannot live with her for the time it takes her to get out, and the lease ends relatively soon, then leave it alone.

Does your lease allow for a sublet situation? The lease agreement I use forbids that activity and can actually be a cause of breaking the terms of the lease.

[TheCompromiser]

We're not moving at the end of the lease because of her, we're moving out because we want a 1 bedroom to ourselves, instead of a 3 bedroom with 2 roommates.. A couple years ago we were sort of pressured into getting this place because of the Mom-in-law, then realized soon that we couldn't afford it. But if we break the lease, we're looking at $3400 to pay in fees.. So we decided to get roommates so that we could stay, being that we weren't even using the rooms or the extra bath..

The lease allows subletting as long as they live with you and are listed as residents (6 total residence maximum).

[justcurious55]

I still wonder if a house meeting might be worth a try. Sometimes people will behave differently in a group setting then they will in one on one conversations. If she won't be cooperative then you're still just stuck in the same boat you are now- either evicting her or putting up with her until the lease ends.

[CliffARobinson]

I agree with justcurious55. In my experience with this issue, you can't let the diversionary tactics work.

You have to restate your position again.

"We would like to ask you to be a little more quiet late at night when using the bathroom door"

"John doesn't get toilet paper".

"Right now, we're talking about getting woken up in the middle of the night because you are using the bathroom too loudly."

Etc.

Often times, I have found passive aggressive personalities will say "ok" and then do something else. To nip that in the bud, just be honest and tell them you want it to work out, but you all need to work together to make it peaceful.

[TheCompromiser]

I'll definitely think about it. Thanks for the great advice! :)

[TheCompromiser]

So, things got worse, and the good roommate was going to move out into a new place with a coworker.. I said, "what if we just kick out the problem, and your friend moves in?" Excited he said, sounds great! The rent here is lower, and he asked his coworker and we're good to go!
I just made it sound like it was other circumstances, not her, so she wouldn't make everyone's lives hell for this next 30 days..
Yay! Just thought you guys would like to hear a happy ending.. :)

[justcurious55]

I am glad to hear it :)

[CliffARobinson]

Congrats! Feels like a weight off your shoulders, I bet.