[TurningPages]

I am 22 years old and the last 8 months I'm dating a guy a lot older than me, and when I'm saying a lot, I mean A LOT older than me. I would prefer not to reveal his exact age as there are many people out there who might be quite judgmental about it and I'm in no mood dealing with them.
Well, in a few words, he's the perfect man. I don't care about his wrinkles or his silver hair because he makes me feel like I've never felt with anyone before(Not that he is unattractive. He's quite a classy gentleman). We share the same interests and there is genuine chemistry between us in everything we do (sex included). Age is but a number to us.
Unfortunately, many (actually most) people don't see it that way.
Besides the big age gap, he happens to be quite wealthy, so that doesn't make things easier for us either. In people's minds the math goes lke this: cute,young girl + rich,older man = she wants him for his money.
But in our case, it's not like that at all. I trully love him and I never let him pay any of my expenses or give me extremely expensive gifts because it just doesn't feel right to me.
A couple of days ago he told me that he wants us to live together, which made me really happy because we'll spend more time together that way.
The problem is that his friends and family literally hate me. Even though I'm always nice to all of them and really try to get along with them and be friends, they treat me horribly. When my boyfriend is around no one dares to say a bad word about me as he is really respected by everyone but they look at me with such hate in their eyes. The worst thing is that they never bothered to get to know me. They rejected me the minute they heard my age. I've never felt more hated in my life.
I could get used to the judgemental strangers that I have to deal with pretty often but these people are different. They are my boyfriend's family and they matter to him.
I wish they could stop seeing me as a number and start seeing me as a human being but I don't see it happening.
I try not to care and I hope that they'll get used to the idea as my boyfriend tells me but there are nights that I cry myself to sleep because of this situation. I never imagined that my youth would be such a curse. I don't want to leave my boyfriend, I love him and he loves me way too much for something like that to happen. So what should I do?
What can I do to make these people at least get to know me before they reject me? And what should I do if they never change their minds on me? Get used to their hate?

[ScottGem]

First, since you are both adults, the age gap doesn't really matter.

However, you will ALWAYS have to deal with the "golddigger" label. And it may be even worse in the family. Members of his family who may have been counting on an inheritance will look at you that way. So I'm not surprised at the attitude you are getting. You should have realized this probability when you entered this relationship.

I'm not judging you, I'm explaining to you what you will have to deal with when you make a decision to enter a relationship like this. There is no way you will change anyone's feelings towards this relationship. So the only advice I can give you is to learn to live with it.

[joypulv]

I can't think of any way to get them to like you or even be nice to you. This is a common problem. Does he have an ex wife and children? That is often the part that really drags these relationships down. The other part, as you mentioned, is money. No matter what you do they will think you are just biding your time until marriage and then take him for as much of it as you can. So it doesn't even matter if you pay your own way or not.

But I might put living together on hold and tell him why. Maybe a lot of this is his failure to read the riot act to his relatives. I hope he isn't enjoying their discomfort, and unaware of yours. You shouldn't have to tell him what to say to them, but it's basically be civil or else. That 'or else' means he drops out of their lives.

[TurningPages]

@ joypulv
Yes. My boyfriend has two ex wives and children from these marriages. He also has another child from a long term relationship when he was very young. So, you could say he has a lot of baggage. But I don't mind at all. Of course, if I had a choice, I would like to meet him earlier in his life but there's nothing we can do about it so I've dealt with it and don't mind anymore. He is emotionally over these women but he maintains a civil relationship with all of them for his children's sake. All of his kids and ex partners get along with each other. Things are pretty civil between them. I, on the other hand, am like a black sheep. None of them likes me, which is really sad because I would like to get along with them so much. Especially with his children because they are very important to him.
My boyfriend knows what's going on and this situation bothers him as much as it bothers me. He's patient for now but if this problem continues, I'm afraid things will get ugly and he'll argue with his relatives because of me. I'm scared that his children will make him choose between me and them. He tells me there's nothing to worry about but still...

@ScottGem
Golddigger isn't a title I could easily get used to. It seems very unfair to me and hurts me since it's completely untrue.
When I first met my boyfriend, I wasn't aware of his financial status, so I couldn't imagine that all of this would follow. Anyway, I suppose you're right and learning to live with it might be the only way. I know that as long as I'm with this man, we will receive a lot of judgement but I just wish there would be something I could do at least with his family.

Thank you for taking the time to answer to my problem.

[Wondergirl]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I agree that love is no respecter of age; we find love at any age, sometimes with someone we least expect.

Perhaps it would be good if you would stop thinking about the age difference and how much his family seems to hate you. Is there at least one family member who is sort of okay with this, so that you could begin to make inroads into the family's affections?

When and if you are with any of his family, treat them like you would anyone or your own family and don't look for trouble or sidelong glances or rolling eyes, i.e. don't be on the defensive. Be your sweet, warm, generous self.

Just out of curiosity, how is YOUR family handling this relationship? It works the other way too -- old guy and young, beautiful woman (thinking of Hugh Hefner... ).

[TurningPages]

@Wondergirl

First of all thanks so much for your kind response and your comforting words.

I really try not to think about the age gap. In the beginning of our relationship, when I didn't know any his family members or friends, things were great. Ok, we got a lot of weird looks on the street but we never really cared what other people think. We still feel that way when we are by ourselves. But now with all those people starting this war against me affects both my mood and his relationship with them.

Right now, I'm sad to say that no one likes me. Maybe it's too early, I don't know. Maybe things will get better with time. At least that's what I hope. I think I might have a chance with his younger children, now that we'll live together and his kids will stay with us during the weekends. They'll get to know me better and hopefully like me.

Regarding your question about my family's point of view. Well, the only family members that are closer to me and their opinions matter to me is my mom and sister. My sister is younger than me and quite shallow. She is quite the opposite of me. I am very mature for my age and need stability in my life. My sis on the other hand, likes excessive partying and just having fun. So as you can imagine, I got a lot of eeewwwwwws from her.
My mom didn't agree with this relationship either. She liked him as a person but she thought that the age difference was too big. Nothing dramatic, she just expressed her opinion to me but didn't force it on me. My mom changed her opinion some time later and told me that when she saw the way I looked at him made her realise that there was nothing she could do to stop me and wished me to be happy with the man I choose.

LOL at the Hugh Hefner joke!!

[Wondergirl]

Thanks for your reply. Another thing I thought of -- do you two touch each other a lot and even somewhat intimately in public (you know how it goes when you're in love and can't keep your hands off each other). If that's the case, dial it down. Be "professional" in public and with each other's family. That will reduce the ewwww factor. (You two can go at each other in private -- will mean more.)

Also, dress in a mature way without your chest hanging out of your top and showing off your cleavage to the world or wearing a skirt so short viewers can see way too much if you bend over or cross your legs when sitting. (I have a friend who does this, so when she bends over toward me -- or away from me, I can see all the way to England.) In other words, make sure you aren't giving a bad impression all on your own with your manner of dressing (low tops, too-short skirts), and not just because of the age difference.

Another thing -- avoid wearing flip-flops in public. I know they're the rage and very comfortable, but they give an impression of willful youth and carefreeness and "I don't give a rat's patooty about anyone." Sandals and open-toed shoes, okay; flip-flops, no.

Will keep thinking of how you can make inroads... (Old guys are cool and sexy.)

[TurningPages]

@Wondergirl

It's not like we make out in public. We sometimes hold hands while walking and he sometimes puts his arm around my shoulders or my waist but never in front of his family.
I also don't dress too provocatively anyway. It's just not my style.
The thing is my face looks younger than my age. I mean, without make up I look like a 14 year old. I try to look older with make up (silly, isn't it? All women try to find ways to look younger and I try to look older!)
Anyway, I see your point though. Thank you for the advices.

[Wondergirl]

Find out what his family members' interests are. For instance, my mil was a nurse, so I made points by asking her questions like, "I've heard a wound will heal faster when kept moist and covered, but that doesn't seem to make sense. Is that true?" Or my brother's girlfriend made points when she asked my mom to show her how to make flaky pie crust or sew on a button properly. My future sils loved to shop (mostly window-shop), so that's how we connected. My future bil loved a certain genre of music, so I boned upon it and asked him good questions.

There's always a way to find a connection.

[TurningPages]

@Wondergirl

I totally agree with you and I see your point. The problem is that they don't let me to approach them. As I said in my post, they just don't care to get to know me. They have rejected me the moment they learnt how old I was.
The best example is his oldest daughter who was going to meet me and her dad in a restaurant. It would be the first time we would meet. She was staring with her mouth literally wide open. My boyfriend introduced us and when I gave her my hand, the first thing she said was 'How old are you?'

[joypulv]

I'm more jaded than all the good advice about how to look and talk, even though it does have the hope of helping find that one family member who isn't set against you. To me, when a lot of money is at stake, no one, especially his children (who I assume are your age or even older), is going to be nice to you when they see their inheritance waltzing out the door. I might even say please, I can't go there for a while, it's too painful. Let him go alone sometimes.

[slapshot_oi]

This all comes down to one word: envy. I know I sound like a cynic, but these people are your enemies. Am I safe to assume his entire family, including children, are older than 22?

What can I do to make these people at least get to know me before they reject me? And what should I do if they never change their minds on me? Get used to their hate?

Let them keep their prejudice without knowing you, that's actually to your advantage. The more they know about you, the more of an edge they'll have.

Find out what his family members' interests are. . . There's always a way to find a connection.

I recommend you don't do this. I can guarantee if you try to make small talk with them, they'll see it for what it is: a desperate attempt to seek approval, which, puts them in a position of power. Feigning friendship or casual conversation does all harm and no good, you're better off not talking at all.

My advice: Yes, get used to their hate, envy is nearly impossible to overcome. Do you very best to ignore them—never go to them, but you can let them come to you—and always say less than necessary when talking to them, if you have to talk to them.

Remember, you're in a relationship with this guy, not his family.

[TurningPages]

@joypulv

I understand that the money is an issue for them and they might feel threatened by me but there is no reason for them to feel that way. I wish there was a way for me to show that to them.

[Wondergirl]

I totally disagree with slapshot. But then, you knew that.

Joy has a good point about the money/inheritance. No matter what your age, even if you were his age, his family wouldn't like you. No one can replace dear ol' Mom. Nobody likes change. And you're a BIG change!

Now I'm dying to know how much older he is than you. But that's okay. I don't mind if you don't tell. I'll be okay. Really I will.

[TurningPages]

@slapshot_oi

You're probably right. Maybe I should keep a distance from them and let them deal with it and approach me when and if they feel ready. Most of his children are younger than me. His older daughter is older than me and she is the one who is causing the most trouble.

@Wondergirl

What is bothering me the most is that his ex partners and children all get along with each other. So, it's just me who they all are against.
I wouldn't like to reveal his age but he is younger than Hugh Hefner. LOL! Take a guess and I'll tell you if you're close. I know there are a lot of judgemental people out there. I deal with them every day. I wouldn't like to deal with them on line too.

[Wondergirl]

Let me see. You didn't mention grandchildren (that I remember), so I'll guess he's in his 50s. You don't have to answer; I understand your reluctance. Men get better and more interesting as they age, in case you didn't realize that.

[TurningPages]

@Wondergirl

A little older than that.
To be honest, if there was any way for me to change time, so I could be born earlier or he could be born later, so we could spend our lives together, without dealing with all this crap, I would do it.

[Wondergirl]

Actually, your biggest foe is his age and Father Time. Even though he is in good health (I hope), life catches up with a person when he's in his 50s and 60s.

Treasure him while you've got him.

[TurningPages]

@Wondergirl

I know we can't fight time. But I don't want to think about it as it will make me even more depressed. He is in perfect health and he will be around for a long long time. Ok, I really didn't need to hear that right now. Even the thought of losing him... :'-(

[Wondergirl]

I'm in my 60s and know what you're saying. Make sure he gets regular checkups and takes care of himself. So many more people are living healthy and active lives into their 90s and even longer, so more power to him! (When I was little, people were lucky to make it to 65.)