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Fixer12 · Sep 9, 2011, 06:37 AM

Currently my girlfriend (of 2 1/2 years) started living together in the beginning of May. She had given up her life across the country to move out and try starting a life with me. For the past 2 months she and I had been fighting a lot. Most of the reasons seemed to have been because of her, and her anger and insecurities. For a long time I just let it be, and we just got over them, but they started become more and more frequent.

During this 2 month period where were fighting I had met a girl at work who I started talking too. She and I had a lot in common and seemed to flirt a lot. We began texting outside of work, but we never hung out or did anything, since I was in a relationship. We both knew that we liked each other, and that I was unhappy in my current relationship from all the fighting.

A couple of days ago my girlfriend and I began fighting so badly that I decided it was time to break up. We had were fighting so much and so often that we were both never happy, and it was hard for me to see it getting better. That night I went and stayed at my brothers house to ensure I was making the correct choice.

The girl I work with knew about everything that was going on, since I would usually text her and talk to her about my problems, she was hoping we would break up for good so I would start a relationship with her. My current GF that I lived with was having a hard time and was realizing that all this fighting needed to stop. When I came home the next day there was a note on my computer saying that she knew her unhappiness was causing this relationship to fail, (even though I know I had done my share), and that she was going to go to therapy to try and get help.

I had decided that after all the money my GF has put into our relationship by moving out here, and starting school it would be really horrible of me to give up on our relationship now. I decided that my best choice was to try one more time with her to actually make things better. She gave up a lot of her life to be with me, I feel I needed to step up and do the same. ( I do love her, and care about her, I just want to be happy in life). We agreed to give the relationship until Christmas time to improve, otherwise it would be time for her to go home. This way we can both save up to be financial stable to separate. (currently we have no money, and she has no money to move home).

The girl that I work with slowly found out that this was my choice, and now she wants nothing to do with me. I tied explaining the situation to her, but she just wants nothing to do with me now. She and I had never been more then friends, just knowing that we had a connection for each other. Now, I am afraid of how things will be at work. She seemed to be very upset with me that the breakup didn't fallow through. I apologized to her many times for the choice I made, but I know in my heart I was doing the right thing.

I got myself into a pickle that I cannot stop thinking about. I didn't want things to go bad with the girl at work. I still really wanted to continue our friendship. She did not. She felt that if I wasn't going to break up with her now, I never will.

Any help on how to deal with this situation would be great!

Please, do not reply on here with rude comments. I came on here for advice and help, not to be judged or ridiculed. Thank you.

odinn7 · Sep 9, 2011, 07:05 AM

I think it's nice of you to try to work this out considering everything that's going on. I hope it all works out for you and that you both can overcome your issues with each other.

Now, with having said that, I also have to say... if you're serious about this, you need to forget about that other girl. It really is irrelevant if she wants to be friends and such. You're with your GF and you made a choice to stay with her and try to work things out... that was your choice. Along with that choice comes the responsibility of being able to just forget about whatever happens with that other girl. If she's mad, so what? If she doesn't talk to you again, so what? She will just add to your confusion and make things harder for you. I have a feeling that she has been part of your problem lately anyway. You and your GF get into a fight and you think about how much better things would be with the other girl. Honestly. You don't know that for sure. You could be setting yourself up for a worse situation in the long run. Know what I mean? So really, the other girl being in the picture is just messing up your mind with no actual benefits to the overall picture.

My words to you... try to work this out. Forget the other girl, no communication with her. If it doesn't work out, you will both know that it didn't work out because of your issues with each other and not because some other girl was clouding your mind... with that, you can then walk away knowing that you tried.

Fixer12 · Sep 9, 2011, 08:55 AM

Odinn7 - I agree with what you are saying. I know that in order for my GF and I to move forward I need to forget about the girl and work.

This whole situation has just made a mess in my head. The only thing I have come to know that I want for sure, is to be happy in life. I have had 2 major girlfriends in my life, (including this one), and I have always just been sad, depressed, and down. I don't want to feel that way anymore.

I am going to do my best to take the other girl out of my life, even though it will be difficult, as we work together sometimes.

I feel like I have made the right choice, but am also sad from losing a good friend.

I agree that I need to put my all into this, as for my girlfriend is trying to do the same. She went to her therapy session yeseterday for the first time, and she said she will continue going every 2 weeks. I care about this girl a lot, I just want us both to be happy again.

odinn7 · Sep 9, 2011, 09:19 AM

I know... I understand what you are saying about wanting to be happy.

As far as losing a friend... well, it happens in life. I've lost many and I'm still here.

Good luck to you and I hope things work out.

BK201 · Sep 9, 2011, 09:35 AM

Happy with your decision. Don't worry, once that girl really moves on from you and her feelings for you ebbs, she might accept your friendship. Give her, her time, do not contact her until then, it will only complicate things for her, and for you.

Fixer12 · Sep 9, 2011, 09:45 AM

Thanks guys. I kept going back and forth with my decision the last couple of days. I just wanted to make sure I was making the correct choice.

I just felt after my girlfriend has done so much for me, the lease I could do for her is keep trying for a while longer to make things better. It's a hard situation, but I hope I made the right choice.

odinn7 · Sep 9, 2011, 09:48 AM

Whether it turns out to be the right choice or not in the end, at least you will know you tried. You will be able to live with that.

Fixer12 · Sep 9, 2011, 09:57 AM

That is a very good point! Thank you

whit17 · Sep 10, 2011, 08:50 AM

What you did was a good idea. If your girlfriend is trying to get help, it was a good move to stay with her. I just pray things will work out for you guys. As for the girl at work. That type of thing can be tough. If she is so upset that you and your girlfriend did not break up that she is at the point where she won't even talk to you, then if you two were together it would not have been a healthy relationship. What she is doing is immature and if that is how she wants to be then so be it, and I think you can do better than that. Good luck in your relationship with your current girlfriend!:)

Fixer12 · Sep 10, 2011, 09:15 AM

Thank you whit17.

I agree with what you are saying. Like I had said before. All of this is just extremely hard. I always seem to have the, "what if's", running through my head. The girl at work, she is a great and beautiful girl, but I do agree that she has turned to be very immature about the situation.

I know from all of this that is going on, the thing I want most is to just be happy. I have spent so much of my life being help back from being in relationships, (with past and present girlfriends), that I just want to be able to let all my worries go, and just be me.

I don't like thinking that the girl at work want's nothing to do with me, but I guess that is her choice.

Some how I just need to learn to let this go and move forward.

Stringer · Sep 10, 2011, 10:32 PM

If you feel that you are in love with the second girl then you are not in love with the first girl. Your reasons for trying again are probably guilt or sympathy for the first girl in my opinion.

To me if you are in love then no reason or happening will change that. I believe that you have fallen out of love with the first girl and want a relationship with the second.

Stringer

Fixer12 · Sep 11, 2011, 08:51 AM

Stringer - Sometimes I worry that you my be right. I can see where this would be a reasonable way of thinking, and it scares me too.

I am the type of person who hates hurting people, and hates confrontation. I can't stand it. Also, my girlfriend is the type of person who overreacts and gets very emotional very quickly.

The other night when I had thought that I wanted us to break up and I went and stayed at my brothers, It was extremely hard to even leave my apartment. She was in tears for the rest of the night, until I got home, still crying. I am also really worried about how it would be with dealing with everything financially if we were to separate. She and I are young, and still in school, and don't have much money.

I will admit that I am just scared of break ups in general. I don't like them, (not that anyone does). But I feel with us living together and her having to move back home across the country, will be even harder.

Stringer · Sep 11, 2011, 11:14 AM

If you do not really LOVE her is staying together fair to her or for that matter... you?

Quote: "Yes change is scary, but it's also inevitable. It's up to you to make the best of it. It's not like opportunity is just going to fall into your lap." JD - Scrubs

Stringer

Fixer12 · Sep 12, 2011, 06:20 AM

I am worried that you might be right. I am scared leaving my girlfriend. She spent so much of her money and her life coming out to be with me, I feel like such a horrible person if I were to cut it off. Plus, she gets very emotional and that alone makes it much harder. I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to hurt anymore.

I am just scared on what to do, and how things will go. No matter what happens

whit17 · Sep 12, 2011, 07:34 AM

Your welcome fixer12. I'm glad it helped. This is only my third time on this site and getting feedback from someone's question I commented on is appreciated. It makes me feel like I actually helped someone in a good way, which is a pretty good feeling. Message me sometime and let me know how things are going. Still praying for you guys! :)

Fixer12 · Sep 20, 2011, 02:40 PM

I just wanted to give everyone an update and see if they could help.

Since I was last on here a week or so ago. The girl and I at work continued to talk. We got passed everything, and we even hung out in a social setting with other coworkers. Everything was going fine. She and I agreed for now we could be friends, and then see how things would go if my girlfriend and I were to break up.

As for my girlfriend and I everything has been still the same. We cannot go a day without bringing up problems about feelings, or she wants everything to go back to the way they were. I keep explaining to her that things cannot be the same as they had been. I told her that for now we can try and work on it, but come December if in my heart I still feel that this relationship is not right, she is going to have to move home. She didn't like hearing this, and she feels I am being unfair. She and I have been in this relationship for almost 3 years now, and we have always had a history of fighting. I am sick of having this feeling of fighting in my life. I am so tired of it. I explained this to her, and she claims that everything can be better again, I always tell her that it is possible, but I'm not going to expect anything to change.

The problem is, I am really starting to like this other girl I work with. She and I had been talking more and more, and now she wants to stop talking as much. I think she has been realizing that I am currently with someone and that we should get so involved right now. Which I agree with her on, but it sucks because I really like spending time with her and talking, but she says she wants to cut back on it. I asked her if she still felt the same way about me, she assured me she does, she just felt that she didn't want to promise me that we would have a relationship when everything was over. (which is fine). I took that news kind of hard because I do want everything to work out that way.

Everything has been thrown around and I am starting to become an emotional wreck over everything. I feel like a horrible person, and I just want to get everything in my life in order. I don't know how... I don't know what to do. I hate hurting people, and living life being uncertain.

whit17 · Sep 22, 2011, 08:15 AM

Sheesh man, sounds like you've got it bad. But like I said before, stay with her and try to work things out. I understand that it is hard but be patient. Ill pray about it and I hope it all works out one way or another. If it doesn't with your girlfriend, then go ahead with the girl form work.

talaniman · Sep 22, 2011, 02:09 PM

I have to say guy, and this is no judgment but an observation. You have a female at work, whom you know wants more from you, and you continue to keep her close, just in case, and you have a long term female you can't be honest with, and stay more out of pity, than commitment.

To be honest, you should be honest with them both because its hard to really do the right thing by one when you are distracted by the one waiting in the wings hoping you get rid of your girlfriend. Not only is that dishonest, deceptive, and manipulative, it allows no reflection on your own and perpetrates a lie.

Simply put, you have your g/f trying to better herself for the relationship, while you are cultivating one with another. I think you are in deep denial, that what you are doing is lying and cheating, to both females, but mostly to yourself. You really haven't treated either female fairly, and its hard to find happiness doing dirt to others, even in a passive way.

Not judging mind you, just pointing out that pursuit of happiness doesn't have to be at the expense of others, and you are severely justifying your actions by playing innocent. That's not fair, as you are not only putting your own needs above everyone else's, you are feathering your next bed once you get rid of your girl friend.

You aren't into her any more any way. Not judging you by any means, just pointing out that your priorities are clearly on you, and having someone. That makes both of them options, and that's just not fair no matter how you sugar coat it to relieve your own responsibility in this three way mess.

I am afraid that will take some honesty, and hard choices by you, if you are capable. Right now I don't see it, or you being happy, or making someone else happy. I just don't.