[imaflower2011]

Hi, my husband and I have been married a little over a year now. He is 43 years old. At this point in our marriage, I don't know whether to continue with him-seek marriage counseling or just get out. He has a real problem with telling the truth (big or small lie), constantly playing psychological games, controlling, minimizing the wrong that he does or just flat out exxagerating his stories. It seemed to have gotten worse right after we were married. I knew he lied about things every now and then but it wasn't as evident until a few months after we were married. He portrays an image of perfection but he is far from that. I know neither he nor I are perfect, but how far does one have to go? It's been a real bumpy ride and it's taken a toll on me mentally and emotionally. The trust is totally gone, yet, he says I should at least try to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't think so. I say he needs to rebuild trust a, work at it and stay consistent. He promises me he will stop lying/playing mind games, then he goes right back to do doing it again within a day or so. He says I shouldn't or should do this or that, yet, it's OK for him to do or not do what he preached to me. We've had a lot of strife because of his issues. At first I use to get so angry when I'd find out he lied to me or when he used psychological games. He seemed to enjoy that kind of reaction out of me, and at times, he would laugh at me and he'd say, he thought it was cute how I angry I'd get. I stopped getting angry and decided to not show emotion. Instead, I used logic to get to the bottom of things and it seemed to confuse and frustrate him. He then started to punish me with emotional abuse by withholding... (communication, intimacy, talk about his ex wife, ex girlfriends or eyeball other women when we are together, etc) His personality changes constantly without warning from being happy, talkative and loving to being withdrawn, immature and resentful. I can't keep up! He buys me things and tells me he bought them for me because he loves me. Later, he reminds me how much money he spent on me and adds the phrase, "because I love you" to it. I love him regardless of all these things he has done to me but I don't want to spend the rest of my life dealing with his behavior if he's not willing to stop all his nonsense. I would like to know if anyone out there has dealt with someone like my husband or knows anyone else who has... any wisdom, knowledge, suggestions, input, etc is welcomed. Thank you

[twinkiedooter]

Flower - I lived with such a man once for an agonizing year and a half BUT he was already diagnosed a bipolar personality and was on disability due to it but refused to take his meds. You have described the guy I used to live with to a T and then some. I would suggest he be taken to a specialist to be diagnosed. The reason he keeps changing his moods is because he's cycling and he sounds like he's rapidly cycling as well which can actually be harmful to you as you bear the brunt of his abuse when he thinks it is cute to make you angry, etc.. It's him, not you that has the problem. To live with such a person is NOT an easy task. So you will need to make your mind up once he is diagnosed (and men usually end up around his age having the bipolar problem really come to the surface at this stage of their lives) if you wish to stay with him or not. Only you can make that choice. Read up on the problem. Me, I chose to live life without the guy and have had a happy 6 years now between him and me of emotional tranquility and peace in my home. It was a very hard choice for me as he could be very charming and profess his love for me, etc. but then that was just his manipulative side coming out knowing what I wanted to hear, etc.

[Aurora_Bell]

Oh my gosh, I think we all must have had the same boyfriend. I had this boyfriend who would lie about EVERYTHING. I would ask him what he had for lunch and he would tell me tuna salad when in fact he had soup. He would exaggerate everything, if he played soccer, he scored all 10 goals and one of them was with 5 seconds remaining. He was in the military and they had a wood working station there, well he came home with these beautiful ash end tables and told me he made them for me. A few months later he kept getting into arguments with one of his friends that had gone away on tour. Turns out the friend who was gone away had made the tables for his parent’s anniversary and my ex stole them while he was away! He stole expensive sun glasses from his friend, would tell me stories about himself that turned out to be his friends stories, he would constantly talk about all the places he has been and seen. He only wanted to talk about himself.

I took him to family reunion and my uncle was telling the family a story about when my cousin and I were little how we were inseparable, and he totally cut him off saying “that reminds me of these girls I met when I was in Australia”… It got to the point where I just couldn’t trust him. He lied about paying bills, where he was, what time he was up until, when he worked, how much he paid in child support, even how much he made. This man was living with me, and I was emotionally spent from trying to figure out what was truth. I lost all respect for him. When I looked at him I was disgusted with him and myself.

I would seriously suggest you guys get into counseling or have a serious heart to heart. The problem with confronting him on your own, he may turn it around on you as my ex did to me. He would hide my clothes and personal belongings to make me feel like I was going crazy, and then say to me “see, it’s not me who is lying, you have mental issues”. It all came out in the end of our relationship, when he was having an affair with another woman, and she must have taken pity on me and came clean and told me the truth. If you husband does not believe that he has a mental issue, he won’t be able to get the help he needs. You can’t force help on people who are un-willing to believe they are ever at fault. I wish you guys the best of luck. Please keep us posted.