[lhotp]

Hello,
I probably have a unique question to most people here... But, I will ask my question anyway, because I feel confused, and would really appreciate your thoughts about this(all thoughts are welcome). Here is a little background before I ask my question. I am a 40 year-old female. Things are going well for me, and I am happy with my life right now. However, sometime during my life-time I would like to share my life with someone(I have never been married). My father has told me that the decision to marry/have an adult relationship in the future in my life has to be mine alone(I agree with my dad). However, I have never had a boyfriend/serious relationship in my life to this point, and also, I have never dated anyone. So, my question is: How does someone who has never had a boyfriend/serious relationship in their life(like myself) decide(for themselves/myself) if having an adult relatonship and/or marriage in the future in my life/their life is something they/I want? I mean... How can a person/I make that decision for themselves/myself if I have never had a boyfriend or serious relationship in their life/my life? Too me, the answer to my/this question is obvious. If someone/I have never had a boyfriend/serious adult relationship in their life/my life, and they/I have never dated anyone, then I can't/a person can't really decide if they/I really want a future adult relationship or narriage, or can they/I? Please know that the/my decision to have an adult relationship or marriage in the future in my life is not a decision that I take lightly or that I would/want to "rush into" Any thoughts about this are welcome and appreciated :) Thanks for listening.

[cdad]

This is my opinion on it. Regardless of your past you have a great attitude for your future. Share is the right word in a relationship. Let me give you this insight. Sharing in a relationship doesn't mean 50/50. The real goal is about balance. Its hard to do if the both of you are not on the same page. Love can blind you because it can make things unreal until the initial part of the relationship wears off. For you just follow your feelings and try to relax. When you find yourself thinking of sharing your life with someone and you have found that special one then your time is ready. No one can tell you when or who that will happen with. It is your decision. Just be careful as you are a special person and there are many out there that would decieve you for your gifts. Good luck in finding a life partner.

[joypulv]

It's good that you are cautious. Just think of all the failed marriages and relationships these days as we plunge into them with the first glance across the room.

If you were to go to a counselor, chances are your questions would be answered with questions, to see how you feel and what you want. Such as have you had thoughts about any particular person you've known in the last 20 years and what has kept you from showing interest in them? Are you overly cautious, do you expect the other person to initiate interest, has it just never happened, do you have some basic fear, something else entirely? Since you are happy with your life I suspect that you don't have fears.

Not everyone wants or needs a life partner. Being secure in your own skin is an admirable trait, and you could just continue on without worry. Some people chance upon someone late in life after vowing that they never wanted to. Attraction can hit you without warning. You can find yourself really liking someone who doesn't even fit your criteria of a mate.

If you want to try dating, ask friends and family. You could try speed dating (5 minutes at a table with each person) or look online. Some big ones are eharmony and match.com. My suggestion would be daytime coffee and a walk for the first date, not dinner. It's easier to get away if you don't click, and you can pay for it yourself. In fact you can even say you only have 20 minutes to get together, even if you have more, as an out.

[lhotp]

Hello,
I am a 40 year-old female. I am interested in finding someone to "share my life with "down the road"(but, not right now), and I have a unique situation, and I would like to know please what some of your thoughts are about this *before* I consider doing this(please be kind when responding, I would apprciate it. Thank-you). In finding someone to "share my life" with "down the road" I have never dated or had a boyfriend, and I am a person who is just not into the physical act of sex/sexual intercourse. I have never had sex before(ever), and I have decided that I don't want to be sexually active(ever). Sexual activity scares me to death, and is a risk, that I don't want to take(no matter how much I trust someone), and esspecially with AIDS, and other STD's out there. However, I am not against intimacy altogether in a adult relationship if I find the right person. I like to be hugged, cuddled,held, kissed, etc. But, "without the sex". In other words. "I like to be loved without the sex." My question is this: since I don't want to be "sexually active", and I don't want the physical act of sex in a relationship if I find the right person, should I even look for someone to share my life with? "down the road"(since I know most men want sex in a relationship), and I don't. Or should I just continue to stay single(I am happy with my life now) and continue with my life the way it is now? My intuition tells me "not to look" what are your thoughts about this? Thank-you for listening and for sharing any thoughts. It is/I appreciate it.

Lhotp

[Synnen]

There ARE other people like you out there, you know---people who want intimacy without intercourse. These people are generally referred to as "minimally sexual".

The best advice is to look for someone who accepts that about you--though I am not really sure how to tell you to find these people. You COULD have a relationship with someone with a normal sex drive (not to call you "un-normal", but you ARE outside of the norm for relationships), but you would have to be open to having a possible non-monogamous relationship.

At the very least, I suggest being up front with people about your choices--WHEN ASKED, or when it comes up. You don't have to tell someone on the 3rd date that you never want to have sex, but if you've been dating 6 months and the question comes up, you should be absolutely honest in your answer.

I'm sorry I have no more advice for you than this.

[SoftSummer]

I mean, in my opinion what this sounds like simply a friendship. I have pretty of girlfriends who kind of have that boo on the side to where they pretty much do little stuff but sex. It's plausible, you know? I'll be honest. I'm sure there are guys who prefer not to engage in sexual activity but they're few and far between. I'm happy that you know this fascinating detail about yourself in a world where sex is publicized and encouraged in modes-day society. But I feel like maybe you should explore why you don't care for that type of intimacy... there's nothing wrong with you for feeling the way that you do about sex, but looking into it wouldn't hurt. I hope this somewhat helped. Good luck!

[Fr_Chuck]

It will be very hard to find someone that will ever fit your requirements, not saying you can not or will not, but I will say most people, esp once they are in a committed relationship and not seeing others, the risks you speak about are very min. Have you considered counseling to see if perhaps you are having unrealistic fears that are effecting your life in these areas.

[SoftSummer]

Same post without all the typos!! : I mean, in my opinion what this sounds like is simply a friendship. I have plenty of girlfriends who kind of have that boo on the side to where they pretty much do everything but sex. It's plausible, you know? I'll be honest. I'm sure there are guys who prefer not to engage in sexual activity but they're few and far between. I'm happy that you know this fascinating detail about yourself in a world where sex is publicized and encouraged in modern-day society. But I feel like maybe you should explore why you don't care for that type of intimacy... there's nothing wrong with you for feeling the way that you do about sex, but looking into it wouldn't hurt. I hope this somewhat helped. Good luck!

[Cat1864]

I think you should enjoy your life whether there is a another person in it or not.

I can understand not wanting sex for personal reasons, but I am worried that you are allowing a fear primarily of the unknown to limit your options.

I don't want to seem insensitive but I do wonder if you are over-looking another possibility. Are you sexually attracted to men? Have you allowed yourself to explore the possibility that you may be more attracted to females?

If you were interested in dating, I think you could find someone to meet you needs. I haven't looked but I would almost bet there are dating sites or organizations for people who prefer not to or physically can't have sex.

[JudyKayTee]

When I was divorced and after I remarried and was widowed I met a variety of men through friends. I met several men who were unable to "perform," were no longer interested in intercourse (and I couldn't believe my ears the first time I heard that), usually because of health issues. They were upfront from the very start.

These were not men in their 80's in walkers - some were in their 50's.

I dated one for quite a while - he was great company and I really cared for him but he was simply not interested in sex in ANY form (other than cuddling) and I could not live like that for the rest of my life.

I think if you are honest when asked or begin the conversation when it's appropriate you will definitely find someone.

If this is an unreal fear on your part or if you are unhappy with your decision to never have sex, yes, by all means seek counselling or advice.

EDIT: Just noticed this has been posted before. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ip-595835.html