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gnpm11 · Aug 28, 2011, 11:08 PM

As of now, and MULTIPLE times in my past, the guy that I am interested in always choses another girl over me. I am not a cocky person, but yes I am confident. I believe I am smart, pretty, have a pretty good personality, and a lot to offer someone. (I NEVER state this to anyone but am including it to help anyone understand what is going on here). I tend to chose to talk to guys that do not like me, even though there are some that try to talk to me that are very nice and sweet, I chose the bad ones. As of now, I have been somewhat dating a guy for the past three months. I don't know if you would even call it dating, because we really just hangout and have sex. Guess that would be called being used and I realize that, and most of the time I feel the same way, and am totally okay with how we are. He does not have a girlfriend, but I am aware that he continues to talk to and hangout with his ex-girlfriend sometimes and I see things on Facebook... of course... about them hanging out. Tonight is one of the times where this just drives me crazy. I DO NOT understand why (not just this time, but multiple times) I am interested in a guy, and they just would rather be with someone else. I am a logical person, and I do not see how the other girls are that great. One thing I have a problem with is showing I care too much. If a guy really likes me, I can play games all day and get whatever I want. But when a not-so-good guy doesn't pay me much attention, for some reason I am attracted, like him, and he always likes someone else. WHY NOT ME! I realize it is dumb to care and especially sense I realize they aren't good guys, but I am never going to get past this if I don't know why I am never being the girl of choice. It just doesn't make sense to me and honestly makes me pretty sad...

Cat1864 · Aug 29, 2011, 06:20 AM

This isn't about the guys. This is about you and your perception of yourself.

I think on some levels you really are a very confident person or that you want to believe you are.

I want to read what you wrote as though someone else wrote it. I think you will find that you already know the answer to most of your questions because you gave them.

You pass over the 'good guys' who would be willing to work with you to build a strong and healthy relationship. You say that you can 'play games with them' which means you hold them in contempt because they care and show it. They try to make you happy so they aren't worth your time.

You pursue the 'bad boys' because they treat you like you treat the 'good guys'. You want to change them and make them see that a 'good girl' can get them to see the errors of their ways and make them want to settle down into becoming a 'good guy'. When they don't, you get frustrated and say that they are the ones at fault. However, they aren't. They are being themselves and true to their nature. You are the one who wants to turn a Panther into a house cat.

Think about about how males see you:

1. Good guys before they get to know you probably think of you as a mixed up female who needs to be saved from herself.

2. Good guys after you have played games with them probably think of you as a 'bad girl' who is a player and a user.

3. Bad boys who don't get involved with you probably think you are out of place and should go back to where you came from before you get hurt.

4. Bad boys you get involved with probably think of you as either a player/user like they are or someone who is there to be used. If you are there to be used, why not give you what you want?

Now, what do you want? Where are you in all of this? Are you a user who could care less about the male you are with if you can get something out of it or are you a confident woman who wants a relationship based on mutual respect and shared feelings?

Do you like yourself? Do you have respect for yourself? If so, then show it by not allowing yourself to pursue men who are going to use you. If you know you have a habit of picking men who will treat you badly, then you are the one who has to make the changes to your own way of thinking.

Men are not just good guys or bad boys. When you put them into categories and dismiss an entire grouping, then you overlook possibilities that you have only dreamed of.

gnpm11 · Aug 29, 2011, 05:41 PM

Thank you sooo much you have no idea how helpful you have been to me! I agree with you 100% about everything but there is one thing maybe that I am confused about still...
I feel like it is like a goal or mission of mine to "turn" one the guys that doesn't like me or a "bad" guy into a spectacular boyfriend/person to me. Why is this? I really really want to change that, but when I start talking to a guy and he is all about me and kind of obsessive at first, it drives me nuts and I'm driven to other types. Which obviously isn't the answer, not like I need anyone now anyway, but how and why do I feel the need to win or change someone so much? Sorry if this is too much but you helped me so much with the previous I figured you would have the answer to this too :) Maybe it is my personality, I am extremely driven and on top of things 24/7. This could be why I want to "fix" someone, or on the other end maybe why I like being controlled somewhat by guys cause that's the only aspect of my life that I am not a perfectionist or successful at. I don't know... but I do know I have a lot to give to someone one day and I want the same in return. I just haven't found the combination of both yet.

Cat1864 · Aug 30, 2011, 10:28 AM

It sounds like part of you is looking for a challenge and part of you may be afraid of succeeding. After all, what happens after you change a 'bad boy' into a 'good guy?'

A relationship shouldn't be about changing or controlling someone whether it be you or them. A relationship should be about working together. Yes, there is some give and take. Depending on timing and circumstances one person might take the lead, but the couple should discuss what is going on and agree or find a compromise. Also, no one should feel like they have to change to make another person happy. No matter how hard you try, you can't keep someone else happy at the expense of your own self. However, changing a little bit because you know it is for your own good is acceptable. For example: A person who is insecure learning how to feel more secure or a controlling person giving up control over things that aren't their business.

In every relationship, both people need time with friends and to do things on their own. You can call it 'me' time. Do you have any time that you use to do things you enjoy like hang out with your friends or pursue a hobby? Hobbies and interests can also be as challenging as you make them and can help you keep from turning relationships into challenges.

In the past you say that when a male makes the relationship about you, you walk away. Have tried explaining to him that he is coming on too strong and giving him a chance to slow down or back off?

slapshot_oi · Aug 30, 2011, 11:02 AM

You want what you believe can't have, and as long as this is the case, you will be disappointed. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I wish · Aug 30, 2011, 11:25 AM

Sounds to me that you're not ready to settle down with something nice. You feel like you have a lot to offer, so you want to offer it.

So with nice guys, there's nothing you need to do, because you already have them in your hands. So what's left to do? I'll tell you what the real challenge is. How do you maintain a healthy relationship with someone. Meeting the nice guy and falling for each other is actually only the first step.

As for bad boys, you can't seem to get them to fall for you, so you haven't even taken the first step with them, so you're trying so hard to achieve that first step.

Seems like all you're really looking for is to achieve that first step and then mission accomplished.

If you want a challenge, I'll give you a challenge. Instead of always trying to only achieve that first step, I challenge you to take that second step. Try building a healthy relationship.