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GodSaveMe · Aug 2, 2011, 10:38 PM

Hi All,
I'm too eager to know about my husbands past. I found from his messages to a friend on FB, that his gal is going to get married, and that he is really sad about that, also that he messaged her wishing her a happy married life. Her name was mentioned in the message. This happened before our engagement, so when I asked him about the gal, he said it was just an infatuation, and that he never loved that gal. He cried to make me believe that. And I did believe.

A few days after our marriage I found a conversation that he had with that gal years back, and the conversation clearly revealed that he has loved that gal. For this he said they had a 2 yr relation with her and that he has sent a mail to his father asking him permission to marry this gal. But since she belongs to a different caste he was denied.

After this I'm totally upset.. I know its past but the way he lied to me making me trust him.. the way he said that I'm his first love.. the way he said that it was the valentines day he celebrated with me was the first one ever celebrated, all turned out to be lies. I think I have lost trust in him. What can I do?

But I know he loves me and that I love him too. Would have been much better if he has told these to me earlier. Why did he build up stories to make me think that he is a genuine person?

Edited/T

Wondergirl · Aug 2, 2011, 11:28 PM

He loves you and wanted you to feel special.

susu hamdan · Aug 3, 2011, 12:39 AM

Well.. sometimes people have to lie to hide things they had made in past.. he loves u.. that's why he lied..!. because he wanted you to trust in his love.. it's just past..!. he didn't wanted you to feel worry about his past that's why he lied about her.. because he wanted to forget her and he wanted you too to do the same and forget about her and about his past.. people make some mistakes.. but because you are so special to him he wanted you to feel happy by not talking or remembering that girl in front of u.. please.. don't worry..!. ;)

talaniman · Aug 3, 2011, 11:14 AM

He probably knew his past would upset you, so reassure him that you can handle the truth. I hope you can.

JudyKayTee · Aug 3, 2011, 01:35 PM

You now appear to know the truth. You don't appear to be handling it well.

Maybe that's why he didn't tell you.

Fr_Chuck · Aug 3, 2011, 02:24 PM

And how mad and upset is he with you, that you are going though two plus year old emails.

He should be the one upset, not you. He is the one that should not be

So he had a women he was in love with, with you looking up his email, ( normally he would curse you out and be the one writing here about not trusting you any more.)
He lied, I would have lied, most men would have lied, esp seeing how you are.

You need to get over this, you need to stop and never look at his email, or you may soon find the email to his attorney asking about a divorce

Cat1864 · Aug 3, 2011, 05:49 PM

When before the wedding did you find out about her? How long ago did you find these emails?

Try to calm down so you can think clearly. Reacting out of anger, fear, and other negative emotions may lead you to say and do things you really don't mean and cannot take back.

Understand that 'snooping' is not a good way to learn about the past. It is much better to allow people to share when they are ready.

You are reading emails that spoke of his feelings for someone he knew before he met you. They may have been his feelings 'then', but they aren't 'now'. What he feels for you may very well make the past seem like it was nothing to him. There may be a moment of sadness at the thought of her marrying someone else, 'might have been' is a very common game we humans play with ourselves. However, it doesn't mean he wants her or still feels strongly about her. He fought to keep you. He doesn't seem to have fought for her.

He may have had a lapse in judgment, but it sounds as though it is because he loves you. If you love him, let the past go and work together to rebuild the trust you both have let drop. He lied and you invaded his privacy. You both need to work on trusting each other.

Together you need to set boundaries and respect them. Ask him not to lie about the past. If he doesn't want to talk about it, say so and you will respect that boundary. You stop prying into his past and snooping in his personal space. Remember the same rules apply to both of you. You can say you don't want to talk about your past and he shouldn't snoop either.

If you both are willing to work at it, trust can be rebuilt.

GodSaveMe · Aug 4, 2011, 02:08 AM

Hi all,
I'm a traditional gal , a s/w engineer.. might be what I'm doing now some other gal would not have done and found out his past.. yeah I shouldn't have been snooping into his emails.There is one more incident which pissed me off. I know he had an affair.. and the conversation made was on a sept and the conversation seemed to be very romantic and soothing.But I also found another conversation, were he has told another gal that he has gone through her profile and is now so desperate to have her.Now why was he not sincere to the one whom he was loving.I can imagine how that gal would have felt cheated if she has knows this.Now my point here is he can do the same thing to me too. Love me and still desire for someone else.

Cat1864 · Aug 4, 2011, 05:20 AM

How long ago did he break up with his ex?
How long after their break up did you become involved with him?
How long ago did you marry?

Has he cheated on you or are all of your fears based on his previous relationship and emails?

Are you willing to sit down and talk with him about your fears?

Right now, you seem to have your own perception of what happened and it may or may not be based on fact. He deserves a chance to defend himself from your accusations. He deserves a chance to explain how his life has changed since those emails were written. If the situation were reversed, would you want him accusing you of being unfaithful without a chance to explain?

If you want your marriage to succeed, you have to be willing to trust him. Marriage counseling may be a way to learn how to put his past behind you.

If you aren't willing to work through this and rebuild the trust, return to your family. It is not your place to punish him for his past. It is also not good for either of you to stay in a marriage where anger is the main emotion. This needs to be resolved before any children are brought into the story.

JudyKayTee · Aug 4, 2011, 05:59 AM

Originally Posted by GodSaveMe

Hi all,
I m a traditional gal , a s/w engineer.. might be what i m doing now some other gal would not have done and found out his past.. yeah i shouldnt have been snooping into his emails.There is one more incident which pissed me off. I know he had an affair .. and the conversation made was on a sept and the conversation seemed to be very romantic and soothing.But i also found another conversation, were he has told another gal that he has gone through her profile and is now so desperate to have her.Now y was he not sincere to the one whom he was loving.I can imagine how that gal would have felt cheated if she has knows this.Now my point here is he can do the same thing to me too. Love me and still desire for someone else.

The person to ask WHY he was not sincere is him. You share his life and his bed and life's ups and downs.

Ask him. If you can't get over the betrayal, leave him.

If you can get over it, go into counselling (one or both of you) and move on.

Was yours an arranged marriage? Why were you snooping through his emails or phone or whatever? What triggered that?

spoliedlillypad · Jan 17, 2012, 11:59 AM

I understand completely... my husband of now 10 years has lied and hidden things from the very start. The biggest deception is half of what I have learned about past relationships and cheating while we were dating were found out by people (or the girls) contacting me after one year of marriage and a newborn baby. For me the things I found out would have been a DEAL BREAKER had I known before I said I do. I felt cheated about who I got to pick as a life long mate due to lies and cover ups to get me to say I do. EVERY single time I confront my husband he still claims innocent and says its all in my head. NO NO. Guys who do thing like this WAKE UP and take a pill of empathy. Girls have the right to know the truth and to take that truth and make a decision to move forward or not. Past is the past but baggage that enters into a newfound marriage... uncool