[schest01]

My boyfriend and I just ended our relationship last night and my head's still a sloppy mess (please excuse any confusing statements). Needless to say, I'm a cliche' and I'm pretty distraught - I haven't bought the ice cream and movie yet though. The relationship was off and on for the two years we were dating and it's probably time to move on. Now, to the problem or rather problemS at hand.

- I am still in love with a lot of aspects about the guy and I find it difficult to feel that I'll find another person who has the qualities that I like about him. This is a problem because I'm a regular relationship-hopper, but now I just don't find most people attractive.

- I'm in a position where he and I (and his best friend) just signed a 1 year lease on an rather nice apartment and backing out of it seems a bit difficult (two weeks until move in, I can't find a 1 br/studio on my budget). And he "Still wants to be friends" How's that for cliche'? Anyhow, he's one of those men who can just move on very quickly and can deal with his emotions pretty mechanically which is difficult to deal with on my side after a break up. For instance, I'll see him "moving on" very easily and bettering himself almost immediately, which makes me feel completely inadequate and as if I was the hindrance to his self fulfillment. And perhaps I was, but come on, no one likes to see that outright!

- He still wants to carry out plans to go to Japan together. My aspiration has been to go with him and his friend to Japan to teach English. It is an aspiration that is very important to me and the whole reason all three of us were living together in the first place. The difficulty with that is I feel very hurt by him and I'm not sure the trip would mean the same thing to me. My boyfriends are typically the closest person to me, and he would no longer be fulfilling the "bonding" aspect of the experience. Not only that but it feels very confusing with the whole "boyfriend becoming friend" but still living in the same apartment and "doing the same things" just "without the complications". I don't know if that's truly what's going to happen either - I suppose I'm a skeptic when it comes to redefining social roles. :\

- I find making close friends very difficult, I'm actually a rather poor friend and typically uninterested in things that most people my age find interesting (so it's difficult for me to have conversations with people or feel close to anyone other than my boyfriends). I think introverted is the correct term - or possibly deranged. I am feeling pretty isolated, mostly due to implanted values that he may have at one time or the other seeded and I must have harvested at some point - it's all very confusing. In any case, I don't feel that I can turn to anyone (especially not family, let's just say the situation here is less negative than the one at home).

I'd like to do this relatively on my own and become stronger. I know there is a lot to it, but I think I just need some good advice about how to handle the situation and advice on how to get positive and stay positive about a situation I have strong misgivings about. Even some good motivational stories might help. Thanks so much!

[joypulv]

Here's my nickel checklist, since it isn't easy to make sense of this story:
1 - You signed a lease and are responsible for it. I assume it's a 2 bedroom, and you and he were sharing 1 room? So keep packing and planning to move in, but work out who sleeps on the couch every other week, or who gets cheaper rent for the couch all the time.
2 - See if he will let you out of the lease after 2 months (I mean, was he expecting to sleep with you as just friends, or what?) And search roommate ads for a share you can afford. If you 3 rented a 3 bedroom, advertise for a replacement.
3 - Obviously you aren't planning to work in Japan any time soon, or you wouldn't have all signed a one year lease - right? So that can wait.

That covers logistics. The part about staying friends, being introverted, being in love with parts of him - standard stuff, nothing new, what can we say?