[qtpie19993]

So we've been going out a year now. He's religious, which I'm fine with. He used to be a 'ladies man' and have a lot of so called one-night-stands.. because he's very very attractive. But his mum got ill with cancer, and since he just cut off all of his friends, never had a girlfriend or socialised, and he also had depression because he thought he was a 'failure' etc.

So he finally asked me out after ages of me trying to talk to him, flirt with him, etc. First few months of dating he never held my hand, kissed me, or anything. So I initiated a kiss, hand-holding, etc.. Until a week later he texted me saying he's too uncomfortable doing any of that.

So I thought I would give him some time and let him initiate when he's ready, but months went by, and he didn't do anything! We 'date' like go to dinners, lunch, etc but there's no real romance in it. Lately I've been making him put his arm around me while we watch TV sometimes, but that's all.

What's his problem? I just don't understand why he's so afraid of any affection. I guess Im his first so called relationship. But he SLEPT with many girls in his life, so I don't see how he isn't be able to do anything :S

Someone please help? We're adults... 22 and 21!

[Cat1864]

Have you asked him? Seriously, he is the only one who can tell you what is going on in his mind.

It may be an internal conflict that he has to work though. I don't know what promises he may have made when his mum got ill. I don't know if he sees her illness as a punishment for his actions. It is very common if he does.

Many people who go from one extreme to another take a very long time (sometimes years) to find a balance in themselves and in their lives. It is a balance only they can find.

If you have the patience to work through it with him, encourage but don't demand or force him to explain how he is feeling and why he is uncomfortable. If necessary, he may need to talk to a counselor or someone he trusts to give him proper spiritual guidance.

It may also be he is with you because he doesn't feel the same about you as you do for him. It may be that you are a 'safe' person to be around. Perhaps even a good friend. Only he knows.

I do suggest that you stop trying to 'make' him behave the way you want him to behave. If you have to force someone to show affection, then it isn't coming from him/her. It is a pretty big red flag pointing out differences in compatibility. As much as you care for him, this may not be the relationship either of you truly needs.

[HurtScorpio]

It sounds as if his depression may be causing a lack of sex drive and maybe he made a commitment religiously after his mother passed that he would change his behavior or maybe strangely feels guilt that he was acting in a way his mother did not approve of and maybe she asked him to be a better person so he is choosing to change for her out of guilt and it MAY have nothing to do with you.
That, however does not mean he could not show you basic affection such as holding hands,etc. Did he do this with others in the past or were all his relations just sexual? Did he have relationships in the past? Sometimes when you "force" an action upon someone they want to do it less. Some guys like the thrill of the chase and want to do things on their own at their own pace and he may feel it to be unnatural if you are forcing it.
Losing a major person in your life causes you to go through a grieving process which is different for everyone. He may want or need comfort right now. Maybe you need to ask if he needs you to back off a bit and maybe you need to be less available to him until he is ready.
I am also seeing that you said "after ages of me flirting,etc. he finally askesd me out". Why should you have to be the one to chase him just because he is "very attractive". Maybe he was not ready for a relationship in the first place and since you were kind of pushy he needed someone for conmfort and friendship so he asked you out. You could be a model but it does not mean he is ready to jump into bed w/you if he is struggling with other issues. Try being more subtle and not so aggressive. If you can't handle him needing time then you need to move on. Have a talk with him though. Maybe he just needs a friend.

[talaniman]

Maybe he is trying to change from the person he was? Maybe he needs more than just the physical stuff. The best thing to do is to talk about it though, and see what's up.