[mezmerize4]

On fathers day my 18 yr old daughter informed us she was moving into her boyfriends house with him and his family and there was nothing I could do to stop her. They are both seniors in high school, he is very controlling over her and I get phone calls and text messages on this, but she doesn't think he's controlling her, she is only allowed to visit her friends that he deems fit, then he gets mad at her and leaves her here then he's sorry and comes back for her, I have had to go get her because of how he was treating her and she runs back. She keeps saying he doesn't mean it and it won't happen again, she says she's an adult and needs to be treated like one. School starts next month and my fiancé said we are not buying her anything for school, and he wants to shut off her cell phone. He said if she wants to be an adult then she needs to figure out how she is going to get what she needs. I want her home, she's lost weight since she has been there, she was sick and I went and took her to the doctor and I had to get her glasses fixed because they were bent. My fiancé keeps telling me that if she's such an adult she needs to stop running to me with everything and take care of it herself. The boyfriend is no longer welcome here but my daughter is. This is putting a strain on our home life and my health, I'm afraid I'm going to get the he hit me call .what do I do? What can I do? I do not like sitting here waiting on the phone calls or just waiting on her to see it's a bad relationship and come home. He has toatal control over her. Help!

[JudyKayTee]

She's an adult. There is nothing you can do legally (if that if your question) at this point. Sometimes it takes tough love - she wants to be on her own, she's on her own. I wouldn't support her financially and I'd think twice before running to her aid every time she and the boyfriend get into an argument. It's hard to do - but she is learning nothing from the experience right now.

You can love her and emotionally support her but I'd let her figure out the rest of things.

Where are HIS parents in all of this? They're putting up with this?

[mezmerize4]

His father has passed, his mother , grandmother and sister live there. I have tried to speak to his mother and she said she is not involved, I said how can the adult of the house who pays the bills and buys the food not involved? I am afraid for her, that's why I run to her. I have heard some of things this boy says to her and its horrid. I can't even put them on here.

[joypulv]

Scary though it is, you do have to practice tough love, and that means no support of any kind. Leave the door open for a one time return if the police are called for physical abuse. YOU need to tell HER what SHE is doing to YOU, and she needs to see that she can't have it both ways. She wants to be treated like an adult, so treat her like one.
She is confusing his control over her with intense love and dedication. She has to learn on her own.

[mezmerize4]

I understand that, I took her phone away at first then gave it back because she said she needed me and couldn't always get ahold of me with the boyfriends house phone, he hasn't hit her but I see that as the next step, so far its all emotional and I told her what's she doing to me and she said don't worry about me. That almost sent me over the edge, don't worry? Im a mother, I worry... Im trying to let her see that everything I have told her was going to happen has happened, my friend said she may just be trying to prove everyone wrong by staying. She lost amost all of her friends and family over a boy. Everyone tells her the same thing and she said she's tired of hearing it. I did let her know I am tired of the 3am calls and she needs to either fix it or come home.

[joypulv]

NO, NO! It's not 'don't worry about me,' she's wasting your time and energy going back and forth. She isn't getting it and I don't think you are either.

Parents who pay 35K a pop for drug rehab twice, three times, eventually have to do the same - they run out of money and it doesn't WORK anyway. Sometimes children have to hit bottom, and they have to do it on their own. You are NOT doing her any favors.

There are 3 adult women in that house. That counts for a little something. Listen to your fiancé, take away the phone, pay for nothing, and don't let her in the door unless she has the police with her. I would even put it in writing.

You may be amazed at how quickly she realizes what she had with you. But don't assume it, or anything. You raised her the best you could and need to let her learn now.

[Fr_Chuck]

Cut off the phone, if you are paying any of her other bills, stop, tell her that if she comes home again she either says or she can not.

She says she is a adult, then stop allowing her to act like a child.

Explain to his parent that they can pay all of her bills now, you are not, Explain they can pay her medical bills, phone bills and pay for the baby if they are not using good birth control

[JudyKayTee]

As long as she can make you feel guilty she controls you - it's as simple as that.

[mezmerize4]

I have tried to speak to this boys mother, she said she does not want to get involved ! I said she is involved , she's the adult and it is her house, I feel as if my IQ has dropped after talking to this family, I let it be known that I am not buying school clothes or supplies or anything for her senior year, the non talking mom can do it, I told her she's an adult so she needs to get a job and a car and at least take her driving permit test. And she is on birth control, I made sure of that a while ago and its implanted in her arm for 3 years.I gave her 2 weeks to make up her mind because the revolving door is now now closed. If she remains there after her 2 weeks are up, she is losing her med insurance, and her cell...

[JudyKayTee]

I know you are having a rough time but I laughed out loud at ".. my IQ has dropped after talking to this family ..."

Love it!

[mezmerize4]

Update: Since my last post my daughter found out that she could not attend the boyfriends school because even though she's legally an adult the Ohio state law says she must attend the school in the district of the custodial parent, or show proof she can take care of her self. She had to come home, fun was over. She no longer has the largest bedroom in the house, I put the boys in there, gave my 15 yr old her own room and my 11 yr old took the small room, now my daughter has to share the room with her sister and she hates it.But she was given a time limit to return and she didn't so she knew she was losing that room. I have given back the cell and she is still planing on living with the boyfriend after graduation, but I don't see that really happening , they are not on the same page in life, he doesn't plan on going to college and my daughter does, she's already in criminal justice and plans on going to college for it. I have let her do what she wants when she wants and she's running out of things to do and she's bored, she lost most of her friends over this boy and I can't wait for them to be finished. But she is doing good and I thank every one for their help.

[JudyKayTee]

Tough love - and it appears to be working. Please let us know as this unfolds.