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peepster · Jan 30, 2007, 12:33 PM

Hello,

I need some guidance on channeling my anger. Long story short, I have a younger sister who is a manipulative person who I do not care for personally, and I harbor a lot of anger and resentment towards her, especially how she treated my husband when we first got married. She has also been emotionally abusive to myself and my parents and to be quite frank, I am at the point where I don't want to have a relationship with her anymore. The problem is that she is getting married soon and has asked me to be in the wedding. At first I was like "okay, I can do this," but lately I have been acting quite passive/agressively towards her and with her wedding plans, and I know it's because I still harbor all this resentment for her for how she has treated me and my husband in the past.

I want to be happy for her, believe me, I do, and I want to keep the peace in the family. My mother is imploring for me to get past this, but part of me doesen't want to and wants to treat her and her fiancé (who's also a jerk) just as badly, if not worse, then they treated me. My attitude is "why the hell should I do all this for her when she didn't do anything for me and was hurtful to me?" I know it's unhealthy, and I want to channel something positive to deal with this situation. How do I get past this?:mad:

phillysteakandcheese · Jan 30, 2007, 12:53 PM

It's understandable that you want revenge after being treated badly, but I suggest you don't stoop down to her level. Take the higher road and leave the past in the past.

Be a big sister and be part of the wedding, smile, wish her happiness... And then go on with your own life. If you don't want her in it, that is your choice.

chuff · Feb 5, 2007, 09:47 PM

I recommend that you go through with the wedding then pull away from her. As someone who comes from a not so functional family when I've been invited to particpate in weddings I do it because that day isn't for me. It's for the two getting married, so I sucke it up and go along with it. The rest of the time though I keep my distance.

sharprays · Feb 11, 2007, 01:06 PM

Originally Posted by peepster

Hello,

I need some guidance on channeling my anger. Long story short, I have a younger sister who is a manipulative person who I do not care for personally, and I harbor a lot of anger and resentment towards her, especially how she treated my husband when we first got married. She has also been emotionally abusive to myself and my parents and to be quite frank, I am at the point where I don't want to have a relationship with her anymore. The problem is that she is getting married soon and has asked me to be in the wedding. At first I was like "okay, I can do this," but lately I have been acting quite passive/agressively towards her and with her wedding plans, and I know it's because I still harbor all this resentment for her for how she has treated me and my husband in the past.

I want to be happy for her, believe me, I do, and I want to keep the peace in the family. My mother is imploring for me to get past this, but part of me doesen't want to and wants to treat her and her fiance (who's also a jerk) just as badly, if not worse, then they treated me. My attitude is "why the hell should I do all this for her when she didn't do anything for me and was hurtful to me?" I know it's unhealthy, and I want to channel something positive to deal with this situation. How do I get past this?:mad:

It must feel bad, but its always good to forgive that's the only way we can be happy, its no use wasting time after people who don't know how to behave, just forgive and move on, one day they might realize there mistake, soon

valinors_sorrow · Feb 11, 2007, 07:52 PM

I think you have some most excellent advice here from everyone. To help in the forgiveness part, think of what she did as a huge mistake she just doesn't realise she is making. Think of you making a huge mistake and how you don't know you are making it at the time either. Build the bridge of understanding that way, walk across it and forgive her just like how you would like to be forgiven for the terrible mistake. Once past the wedding, if she continues to make the same mistake, apply distance then.

JoeCanada76 · Feb 11, 2007, 08:03 PM

I know you situation more then you know. I will not go into details here, but harbouring anger and holding it is in not good. The biggest thing you need to do to let go of this anger is to learn how to forgive your family for past hurts. That is the only way you personally will have peace. Distance is definitely good. Being the better person is defiantly better.

So learn forgiveness. Learn to let go of the past, because by holding onto it. It will come between you and your husband and your own family. Do you want this to happen? So if your ready.

Now I hope you know what to do and what is better for you and everybody in your family.

Joe

AKaeTrue · Feb 12, 2007, 10:27 AM

I also agree with all of the above.
I personally never found it real helpful or therapeutic to channel my anger toward something positive. Doing positive things/things that I enjoy do help at taking my mind off what angers me, but it does nothing to relieve the cause of the anger.
I also noticed that it made me feel better being the bigger person. I get some kind of weird satisfaction out of it, whereas revenge only made me feel worse.
Give the suggestions you've received a try and see how you feel then...
Kae

ordinaryguy · Feb 12, 2007, 11:04 AM

Anger that lasts longer than a minute is a cancer on the soul. I think the proper function and use of anger is like the function of lightning in the atmosphere--a release of unbalanced energy that has built up over time and created an unstable situation. Once the discharge is over, it's purpose is fulfilled and it should be left behind. Carrying it on with you is like tending and putting fuel on the spark that the lightning provided and turning it into a continuing ever-hotter-burning fire. That's when it can turn to hate and become really dangerous.

marey · Mar 5, 2007, 02:25 PM

Originally Posted by peepster

Hello,

I need some guidance on channeling my anger. Long story short, I have a younger sister who is a manipulative person who I do not care for personally, and I harbor a lot of anger and resentment towards her, especially how she treated my husband when we first got married. She has also been emotionally abusive to myself and my parents and to be quite frank, I am at the point where I don't want to have a relationship with her anymore. The problem is that she is getting married soon and has asked me to be in the wedding. At first I was like "okay, I can do this," but lately I have been acting quite passive/agressively towards her and with her wedding plans, and I know it's because I still harbor all this resentment for her for how she has treated me and my husband in the past.

I want to be happy for her, believe me, I do, and I want to keep the peace in the family. My mother is imploring for me to get past this, but part of me doesen't want to and wants to treat her and her fiance (who's also a jerk) just as badly, if not worse, then they treated me. My attitude is "why the hell should I do all this for her when she didn't do anything for me and was hurtful to me?" I know it's unhealthy, and I want to channel something positive to deal with this situation. How do I get past this?:mad:

Hi
I think you have lots of good advice in the answers so far.

But I would also add this... you do have a right to feel angry if someone has manipulated you or emotionally abused you or the people you love.

I have had a similar situation in my life. I found the best way to deal with it was to see a psychologist to talk about this person, how it has affected you, and why the person acts in this way in the first place. Often understanding their problems properly can give you the ability to *accept and move on (this may include forgiveness, but I haven't gotten that far yet) *to see how this has affected you - by understanding how it makes you feel at the present time (even subconsciously) and how it may be affecting you in other areas of your life.

Personally, I don't think it's a healthy response to continue to let another person use our good will, trust and faith in order to manipulate us. (for their own gain... in some way)
It must erode our sense of self to allow this to continue. So be on guard. That doesn't mean be aggressive, but don't allow yourself to be manipulated. If you are still finding yourself responding to her, (passive aggressive), then you would be wise to seek help, because she still has control over you!

Being manipulated can lead to feelings of really low self-esteem and much anger. That's not good. Once you understand your sister with the help from a psychologist, you will loose your anger over time.

While I agree that it is worth putting on a good face for the wedding, I wonder if your mother isn't perpetuating an emotionally abusive situation by simply saying 'put it behind you'. If it continues, it is not behind you. If it stops, then that's possible. It would be much easier if the abuse was acknowledged and apologised for though, wouldn't it? Often this will never happen, so the next best thing is to understand the person so you can move on yourself.