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missg2148 · Jul 11, 2011, 09:39 AM

This morning I found text messages on my boyfriends phone to strange women degrading them. When I confronted him, he said he has a mental problem feels the need to degrade others. He said he likes to offer other women, that he finds online, money because it is degrading to them is and that has never met anyone. I don't what to do. Can this be fixed by therapy? Is this someone I should stay with a try to help, or run? We have been together for 7 1/2 years and have lived together for the pass 1 1/2 years. I feel like an idiot for not knowing anything that was going on.

Synnen · Jul 11, 2011, 09:48 AM

This is a fetish, and you probably cannot change him.

Nor will he want to stop.

He should have laid this fetish on the table for you to make a decision about years ago, but you can't change the past.

If you cannot deal with this, you should probably leave. If you do not want to leave, you and he will probably need to get counseling to come to a compromise on how and when he can act on his fetish without alienating you.

missg2148 · Jul 11, 2011, 09:54 AM

I feel like the worst and hardest part was him never telling me for so long and that I feel like he is not the person I thought he was. I don't know if I am making it out to be worse than it really is or if this is really messed up.

JudyKayTee · Jul 11, 2011, 10:31 AM

Everyone can deal with something else, more or less, depends on the person.

For me this would be a deal breaker - the lying as well as the degrading other women part.

What happens when he turns his anger and/or fetish on you?

I wanted to add a PS - I would be more concerned about his "need" to degrade people (men OR women) than I would be about the lying. Does he have self esteem issues in other areas of his life?

missg2148 · Jul 11, 2011, 12:57 PM

I know he went to a therapist when he was yonger for depression and he said that was when it started and he used to talk to the therapist about what he was doing.

JudyKayTee · Jul 11, 2011, 01:16 PM

Then I would suggest that he go back into therapy. He tried to get help (and possibly did) once. He needs to do it again.

And he ALSO needs to be thankful and grateful that he is with a woman who very obviously loves him through this rough time.

missg2148 · Jul 11, 2011, 01:51 PM

Thank you for your help. I don't even know how I am going to go home and look at him. I told him we will talk more about this tonight, but that he has to find somewhere else to stay for now. I also told him to start looking for a therapist and make an appointment ASAP and that I would go with him but that I don't think I can ever get over this.

Synnen · Jul 11, 2011, 02:12 PM

And THIS is why fetishes need to be laid on the table within the first few months of a relationship.

Please realize that some women DO get off on being degraded. Some men do, as well. However, if this is an important part of his sexual needs and he is taking it out side of the relationship---he's cheating.

I recommend therapy for you as well--to give you coping mechanisms for leaving this relationship. Not because he has a fetish that does nothing for you, but because he has been secretive, has lied, and has not been up-front about who he is with you.

Fetishes are not bad as long as both parties are willing human adults. However, when you are in a relationship, you need to be up front about your fetishes with your partner. It could be a deal-breaker for BOTH parties if both do not share the same fetish.

He needs help realizing that while his fetish is questionable in origin, it's also a deal-breaker for you--and he needs to decide--WITH YOU--whether or not either you can live with some variation of his fetish, or he can live without his fetish.

Cat1864 · Jul 11, 2011, 03:31 PM

I agree with everything that has been said so far. The only thing I want to add is that there is a financial aspect of his fetish that brings up other issues.

I don't want to upset you any more than you are, but I am concerned that he may have been practicing his fetish on you without your knowledge or consent. It is fairly easy to recognize when someone is using words or actions to control a relationship. It can be harder to detect when the behavior is tied to gifts or money. It isn't always about the recipient's perception as much as it is the intent in the giver's mind.

I think counseling is an excellent idea for both of you. Hopefully, he has kept his fetish separated from his relationship with you. However, I will be honest that most people have a very hard time keeping the different aspects of their personality compartmentalized for over a year and half not to mention over seven years.

Take care and good luck in any decisions you make.

missg2148 · Jul 12, 2011, 05:34 AM

So last night we tried to sit down and talk. He had a very hard time answering my questions, but tried to answer some. He agreed to go to a therapist and to try and answer more of my questions tonight. As for right now, he is going to be spending his nights sleeping on the couch. I did let him know that the way he went about this was unacceptable to me and that I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again.

JudyKayTee · Jul 12, 2011, 09:38 AM

I wonder if it would help you to speak to someone. This is not your problem, so to speak, but it's become your problem. Do you know what I mean?

Everyone who finds out something they never suspected feels like an idiot. You're not an idiot. You trust him.

Wonder if his problem is self-respect, self-image. He drags other people down and that builds him up, referring to the other women.

smoothy · Jul 12, 2011, 10:39 AM

My opinion. Work on finding a chance to move out and move on. Its only a matter of time before you become the target of his inappropriate behavior towards women.

It's a tall order to expect him to change permanently... If I was a betting man, I'd call this a fools wager, There are plenty of men who don't berate, and degrade women out there. You'd be better off with one of them.

He most definitely needs professional help. If you have no kids... count your blessings and move on. Its still not to late with a better man.

As was mentioned... there are some people that like that sort of thing... but they aren't in the majority. And you don't appear to be one of them.

And upon a reread... how are you certain his offer of money isn't actually solicitation for prostitution? Only one of them has to be is a cop... and he gets arrested.

You don't solicit women online... PARTICULARLY with offers of money... if you don't fully intend to follow through with the act.

Incidentally... many prostitutes... escorsts whatever term you wish to use... will disagree about who is getting taken for a ride... many are far from helpless or naïve.

Many times it's the guy who is really getting played. I think there is an aspect taking place here you never anticipated. Such as he's cheating on you with hookers.