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stefaniaki · Jul 9, 2011, 12:44 AM

I am 23years old woman and I am dating a 31year-old man. We have been dating for almost a year... Sex was never a big part of our relationship, we had some performance issues at the beginning and that kind of drift us apart from the sex... Despite that our sex life improved with time but it suddenly literally stopped a few months ago... He just does not want to have sex with me... I am sure he is not cheating because we are spending almost all the time together, I know he loves me and I know he is attracted to me... I know it because we do get to some sexual stuff from time to time, and I know that even when we only kiss he is having an erection... Anyway, we are not having sex at all!!

I thought that this will make him drift away from me but instead, a couple of weeks ago he proposed to me , told me he wants to spend his life with me, etc... He is from Arab origin and he is Muslim and religion is a big part of his life. I thought that that be in the roots of our sex problems, but I know for a fact, that he has dated girls before and had sex with them without any problems.

We discussed this topic with him recently, and the answer I got was that "something is stopping him" from having sex with me... I don't know what to think, because this is simply not understandable... I don't understand what he means by that... Some friends told me that sometimes guys have problems with performance, if they care and love the girl too much... But these kind of problems, we had them even from the beginning, when there were no feelings involved...

What annoys me is that, he claims that he is attracted to me and he wants to have sex with me, but something is stopping him... should I trust him when he is saying this? After all, he wants to marry me and have kids with me... Is it possible that he is lying and just doesn't want to hurt my feelings?

Please help me, because I am starting to have second thoughts about all our future because of this.

talaniman · Jul 9, 2011, 10:53 AM

Start with him seeing a doctor instead of keep ignoring the problem, and assuming. He may well have medical problems to be addressed, that have nothing at all to do with his feelings for you.

Erectile dysfuntion, or low testosterone are very real concerns, but they can be addressed. At least eliminate them as posibilities before you proceed.

Helpful_guy · Jul 24, 2011, 11:55 PM

Did he say that you have to convert your religion or something? I know a couple they had similar problems. When they were dating it was not an issue. When they decided to marry it became an issue. He could not tell her that changing religion was an issue and they stopped having sex for that. Eventually a mutual friend stepped in and got the issue out in front. It may not be in your case but still you can ask. There should not be any reason for complete stopage unless he has some other problems?

halbeily · Jul 25, 2011, 01:41 AM

I think he is sincere in saying that there is something preventing him from having sex with you, because Muslim is in fact prohibited from having sex with women only through marriage. If he had sex with you and other women, he knows that this is contrary to the Islamic religion, but he probably thought of repentance and not to have sex outside marriage relationship. I suggest that you accept his offer to marry you, and then you will find him having sex with you with satisfaction and happiness.

Cat1864 · Jul 25, 2011, 08:59 AM

Since this has been a problem throughout most of your relationship, I suggest you encourage him to go to the doctor and get a check up.

I wouldn't marry him until he is at least making an attempt to find out what is going on instead of sweeping the issue under the rug.

While religion might be a factor, it sounds like it may be more of an excuse since he is having sexual contact with you every now and then. If it is a factor, then he needs to come to terms with the boundaries his beliefs set (and any guilt he feels) and he needs to communicate those boundaries to you.

You are getting a lesson in how he deals with issues he doesn't want to acknowledge. If he has problems communicating how he feels about this, then marriage, parenting, and deciding how to raise your children if you have different cultures and religions is going to be an even bigger mess.

Right now, he holds all the answers whether medical, mental, or emotional. Backing off and letting him find the answers is about your only choice other than walking away.