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admiralsfan · Jan 29, 2007, 07:13 PM

I have been friends with this woman for quite some time and I finally wanted to make the move to ask her to be more than friends. But before I could, she told me that a guy she met at a party a couple weeks ago really hit it off and started dating. I asked her about her and I and she said she was very particular about dating and she really didn't feel the spark she was looking for. She says that I'm a good friend and she wants to stay friends with me.

Yes I am heartbroken and I am moving on and feel better as days go by. I can see her point about things and its good she found someone new. Unfortunately for her, it isn't me.

My question is: Should I take some time off and not hang out with her for a while? I don't mean I never want to see her again, just some time to collect my thoughts and feel better. The main thing is she had been recently helping me find a place to live and offered to come along to help me look if I found something I want to see. Part of me doesn't want her there, because of the circumstances. But a friend who is willing to help is nice too. Of course I can call other friends too if I need someone to come with. Any suggestions are appreciated. Thank you.

tttg · Jan 29, 2007, 07:55 PM

Ask her if she as any friends like her because, you like her so much you would love to find some one just like her . She may change her mind or maybe she may have a friend for you to meet.

march357 · Jan 29, 2007, 08:43 PM

Hi there,
Instead of "taking time off" from your friend why not just focus on keeping busy with the rest of your daily life. Try new places to visit like museums, auction houses, cooking school, or taking photos for example. Since you asked your friend about how she feels she would know if you were avoiding her. If you are truly friends(and they are hard to come by) then stay friends but don't stay by the phone waiting for her to call. Venture out and meet new people. Have fun. Do something just for you, maybe something you've always wanted to do. Who knows, you may meet someone new. Or after a time your friend may see you in a new light. But even if neither of those things happen, you'll be happy exploring all the things in life that you enjoy. And that's the best thing you can bring to a relationship... a whole and happy you. Good luck and remember to have fun! :)

RubyPitbull · Jan 30, 2007, 06:44 AM

Admiralsfan I do agree, in part, with march357. You do need to go out and do some fun stuff.

But, Admiralsfan, your friend has definitely let you know that you have entered that terrible "friend zone." I give you both credit for being able to have a rational discussion about this.

If part of you does not want this girl around you for a little while, then you should go with that gut feeling.

Since you seem to have good communication with her tell her that you do want to be friends but you need to take a break from your friendship for a little while. Explain to her that you understand her feelings about being friends and that there isn't a chemistry there for her, but that it is not quite the same for you and you just need some time to sort out your head and be able to place her in the "friend zone" yourself, as she has done with you. Remind her that she has a new guy now and she should be spending her free time with him. You can tell her that if she gives you the space you need now, you can both go forward in the future and keep your friendship because it does mean a lot to you. If she doesn't understand this then she has no regard for your feelings and wants to keep you around to boost her ego. Don't allow her to dictate your relationship. Take all the time that you need and don't cave in.

The reason I am telling you this is, I have a very funny feeling that if you separate yourself long enough, she is suddenly going to realize that she has deeper feelings for you. You have always been around as her "go to" guy. You have made yourself too available to her. She assumes you will always be around to lean on. Give her some time to think about what you really mean to her. Sometimes we don't realize we need or want something because it is in front of our face all the time.

If you do go through with the separation, one of two things will eventually happen. Either the above scenario will play out or, you will have given yourself the time you need to be able to put her in the friend zone and move on to someone new. In any event, taking a break from friends is a very emotionally healthy thing to do sometimes to salvage your friendship in the long run. I have done it a few times and it has worked quite well for me. It has allowed me the distance I need to be able to rationally sort things out.

I hope this helps. You sound like a good and caring individual.

valinors_sorrow · Jan 30, 2007, 07:17 AM

I would focus on other friends for a little while to give your heart a chance to heal a bit. Then call her as a friend when you feel more like that and you probably will. Its good to honor yourself in this way. Kindness does start at home. Our feelings take time to change and disappointments are not an instantly fixable thing for humans. Unrequited romantic interest does sting initially. Fortunately it usually fades over time and changes dramatically when you meet someone special too. She should naturally understand a temporary alteration of your usual hanging out together "schedule"... if she is the good friend she is. If you find yourself still carrying the torch for her some time later, you might want to look into other options, as that is not good. I am sorry for your disappointment and be sure to let yourself know that you didn't do a thing wrong too, okay?

admiralsfan · Feb 1, 2007, 06:48 PM

Thanks to everyone who responded. I haven't checked this since I posted it, but the other night I had a "revelation" of sorts and have refocused what I want next in my life. My feelings for her made my focus a little fuzzy I guess. The last two posts by RubyPitBull and valinors_sorrow were the most helpful. Based on the suggestions taking a break from her is two-fold: She may realize that I did have feelings for her after all and she may realize she had feelings for me. I use the word "may" on purpose. There is a lot of stuff I like to do, and if I find the right place to live, I'll be a lot closer to everything. Thanks again to all of you for reading and responding.

RubyPitbull · Feb 1, 2007, 07:17 PM

You are quite welcome Admiralsfan. Glad to have been part of the team to help you think things through. You have a good head on shoulders. Life and things in general will unfold for you as they should. Visit us again! :)

admiralsfan · Feb 5, 2007, 04:50 PM

Just an update, plus I feel like ranting:

She borrowed a couple CD's from me about a month ago and I got them back. When I went to meet up with her to pick them up, I kept the conversation short, said "I have to really get going" But she was telling me she went to an office party with her new beau. But before I left she went on with "yeah we should hang out again soon" and "I'm free most evenings" and "we can talk on IM sometime during the day" and there are a couple free newspapers I liked reading when I was in college. I took the latest issues and made a comment "this is one of the reasons I miss college, not be being able to read these" and she said "if you want I'll get them for you each week" I said "No that's ok, I don't want to inconvience you"

But just from her talking I came up with three conclusions:
1) She has no clue that I have feelings for her
2) She really didn't have feelings for me to begin with
3) She's wants me to be her go to guy still

Part of me wants to just talk to her and say "I had feelings for you, and I need a break from our friendship" and the other part wants me to be passive and let her figure it out. I am moving on with my life, etc. but the short conversation we had makes me want to say "Grrr."

But the best part is: I Got My CD's back!! :) If anyone wants to share a thought about this, feel free.

RubyPitbull · Feb 5, 2007, 05:27 PM

Rant away Admiralsfan, rant away! That is what we are here for! :)

I am glad you got your CD's back. You were right in keeping it short and non-commital. Good job, guy! You are doing the right thing to give yourself a break from her. Doesn't mean you can't be friends in the future but it seems that she is not thinking in romantic terms and you still are. So, the break is a necessary (yeah, I know, painful) thing for you at this point in time.

valinors_sorrow · Feb 5, 2007, 05:40 PM

I suspect it's a case of when the veil of I-need-to-ignore-your-real-flaws-in-order-to-love-you lifts, its surprising what we find. Do NOT feel bad, we all did that. Next time do it differently, see what is instead of what you want to see like you finally are now. Learn to love the person, flaws and all. Go slower, accommodate reality better. Gauge what you risk by what they are risking.

I don't think getting CD's back is all that important, its only stuff. I am glad however that you faced her -- that is the important part. Faced her and survived. Good for you!

When you are moving on with your life and the opportunity to have something happen between you has passed, there really isn't a whole lot left to say. When you run into her again, if you do, I suspect you'll see that verified. People make awkward friends when feelings run deeper than that. Its not their fault, its just how people are. If you can't feel differently than that over time, then I would let the friendship drift and fade naturally.