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Shorn9 · Jun 26, 2011, 10:31 PM

So, I have been going out with this girl for the last 2 years. We have a lot in common from the type of music and even the movies we like. Everything was great at the beginning but nowadays she just loves to go out with her friends and party. She never calls me and I if I don't call she starts to question why I didn't call. She likes to play this mind games, kind of she makes me know that she loves me and wants a future with me but at the same time she treats me in way that I feel like trash. I reckon she may have trust issues because of her family especially her father. Thing is I really love this girl with all my heart. This is the girl I want to marry. I am not the kind of guy to cheat on her. But I am going crazy because of the way she treats me just because she knows she can get away with it. I really don't know what to do. She is using the fact that I love her so much to her advantage and I am really tired of it. It hurts to even consider leaving her. Please help me.

Wondergirl · Jun 26, 2011, 10:41 PM

You don't have to leave her, but please set some boundaries and stop being her doormat. Do you know how to set boundaries?

pink_jacket · Jun 26, 2011, 11:13 PM

Hi there, your feelings are respectable, and a lady or man needs to consider someone's genuine feelings. But can I tell u, that relationship love or marriage is a give and take relationship, if we give only it fails, if we take only, it fails. I have been in one which I dragged for 3 years and had a baby then it dropped off because the guy wasn't interested. The options are you make are sit down and realise what you want from her and make her comfortable as maybe some error from your side is dragging her away. Do good things for her, things she likes and don't be demanding and authoratative, be lovable. See if she comes to u, if she does she was always yours and if she doesn't, she was never and she will never be... so bear the hurt before you have kids who have to bear the hurt of this relationship with you... all the best..

BK201 · Jun 27, 2011, 03:06 AM

Couple of things that I wanted to ask:
Is it like she doesn't spend time with you anymore when you say that she has started to hang out with her friends?
Is she not giving you respect or treats you bad in front of others? If not, what is that makes you feel like a trash?

Jake2008 · Jun 27, 2011, 04:53 AM

It sounds that you doubt whether she is as in love with you, as you are with her.

From doubt grows suspicion, mistrust, self doubt, abandonment emotionally, fear, and a feeling of not being good enough or worthy enough of being loved in return. The messages and behaviour you get from her clearly sets the quality of the relationship to less than stellar.

I too would be questioning her need to go out with her friends and party, just as much as she would be questioning you, had you been the one to go out and party.

It sounds like you are being left on the sidelines. And it sounds like she is taking for granted, that somehow her behaviour is okay with you.

When couples reach these roadblocks, particularly if there was nothing that caused it, or contributed to it (such as arguing, one party or the other being too controlling or possessive etc.), it is time to address this. Anything in a relationship that puts one persons needs before the other, to a point where it is becoming a reason to 'throw in the towel' as you have said, is getting very near the point of the end of the relationship.

Talk to her. Tell her that this all bothers you, and that she thinks its all okay when it isn't. Try to find out why she is trying or caring less about you, than you are about her and the health of the relationship. Find out why she needs to put herself out there. There has to be a reason for the sudden change.

If the two of you cannot address this by talking, and her behaviour continues, and you continue to feel the way you do, consider telling her you need a break in the relationship to be on your own for a while. Give her time on her own to figure out if she wants a serious relationship, or not.

In the meanwhile, don't be a sitting duck waiting for things to happen on their own. People seldom get hit by a lightening bolt and things get back to normal. Relationships are hard work, and problems in relationships need honest communication.

If she is unwilling, or unable for whatever reason, to address the issues that concern you, and the two of you keep going in oppositite directions, then I would have to say that throwing in the towel would be the best option.

talaniman · Jun 27, 2011, 08:50 AM

Hi Shorn, I am confused because you say you have been dating for two years but nowhere do I see from your posts from last year where you were in a relationship. So my question is what is the official agreement between you two as to your relationship status?

Its one thing to be dating casually, with no commitment to anything, and quite another to have a mutual agreement between you. From what you have written, I would say she sees things differently than you do.

Please explain, and end my confusion.