[unknowing]

I dated this guy for almost 8 months and it seemed like everything was perfect. We loved doing the same things. He asked me to move things in so I could stay over more and said on multiple occasions that he wanted to marry me. He even mentioned it to a colleague. I got upset one week because I really wanted to see him and he decided to hang out with the guys that evening... even though he was going to be with the guys Thursday. I was going to give him the next week to have alone time or guy time but he didn't want that and wanted to hang out on that Friday. That Thursday he responded to a text of mine saying "I love you". Then that Friday he broke up with me. He said I got upset 3 times within the 8 months and that he didn't want to lose his friends that we hung out with all the time. I asked him to give me another chance he said he did before when he said he wanted alone time and guy time. First time he mentioned it the week before and he had also said he was happy with me and it was nothing bad. He told me "it would be best for us right now" and he still wanted to be friends. He then told a good friend of his I was too controlling and that is why we broke up. It has been 1 1/2 months and he has not talked to me. He unfriended me on Facebook a month after the break up We knew each other 3 years before this. What was the real reason for the break up and will he come back?

[redhed35]

I think perhaps what he said is true, the one line that stands out from your post is ' I was going to give him time the next week', you don't get to decide when he spends time with his friends or have alone time, why didn't you hang out with your friends? What was so important that you needed him that night?

There's a lesson here, and it's a good one, each person in a relationship is an individual with needs and wants that may be different then yours, planning a date night that is just your time together might have been an idea, in the time between is work time, me time, friends time,getting on with life time!

You can't dictate when the other person sees their friends and when they have their own time, that 'local knowledge' comes with getting to know each others needs by talking about it and fitting that into the relationship, for both of you... im giving the lesson away here, you have to figure out some of this stuff for yourself.

Its impossible to say if he will come back, but, he's already deleted you from his life, chances are he's not coming back.

Take the time now to work on you and figure out your part in the break up, learn from it and move on.

[unknowing]

About saying I was going to give him the time I asked him if he wanted it and when he said no I said OK. I did hang out with my friends that night. I had just told him I was sad because I really wanted to see him that night because Tuesday and Thursday nights were the main nights I got to see him and I was not going to see him that Thursday because he was going out with the guys. We only had alone time when we went back to his house and went to sleep. If it was a big problem then why not talk through things with me. I did not mind him spending time with friends. I just wanted some notice... not for him to wait until the morning of and tell me after I asked what we were going to do for dinner. He told me that Wednesday he said I could come over after work and so when I called him after he said no. He didn't like planning things so we did not have a set date night. I would have liked that.

He just earlier that week everything was perfect. I did not know he was going to break up with me until he did. It was very out of the blue.

[redhed35]

if you browse the site you'll see many threads saying excatly what you have just said, it came out of the blue, most breakups have been thought about about one person, small niggles here and there, then the other person says something random and that's the justification for ending it.

he was very quick to unfriend you and delete you.

even though in your mind you were reasonable, for him, he may have seen it as controlling, he didn't talk about it, he dealt with it by ending the relationship.

breakups suck and they hurt and you can be left wondering what the hell just happened! but it is what it is, you have to let it sink in that its over, and start healing, that's how you move forward.

you'll only torment yourself wondering why and the what if's, chaulk this up to experience and it's a good learning experience, you now know more about relationships and you can use that information in the future.

[unknowing]

I guess I saw it out of the blue because not even a month before he was talking about marriage. I did not see myself as controlling because most of the time we did what he wanted to. In just the week before we went out with a friend to a baseball game because he wanted to, the Saturday before we did what he wanted, then the Sunday before I had wanted to do stuff but he didn't want to so we went to go see the movie that he wanted to see. One of the times I had gotten upset I appologized after and said I should not have gotten upset and told him that he should go but he decided not to and said he wouldn't use it against me.

About the undfriending I do not get why he waited a month to do it? Also, why not try to talk to me and fix it?

He also waited more time after unfriending me to untag the pictures of us. Why do that if he is over me?

[redhed35]

Your asking questions no one but he can answer for you, and I would strongly you don't ask him.

At the end of the day he broke it off, he wanted out, words don't mean much unless there backed up by actions, and from what your saying he did what he wanted to do with no compromise.

Time to start getting over this and moving on, the sooner you can stop disecting the break up and sooner you will start healing.

[unknowing]

You strongly advice doing what?

[redhed35]

I was saying the answers your looking for as to why he behaved the way he did, only he can answer, I strongly advise against asking him or making contact to find out those answers.

[unknowing]

I do not plan on contacting him about that. I still hope at some point he will contact me.

[talaniman]

Break ups suck, but you have to accept them, and most times it just didn't work because one of you didn't feel like trying any more. HIM!

I hope you can move beyond this deep disappointment.

[unknowing]

You think he didn't want to work or was I too controlling?

[talaniman]

Both it seems.

[unknowing]

I guess I do not understand how I was. We mainly did what he wanted. If he asked me what I wanted to do I said it didn't matter. All the times he wanted to hang out with the guys he did. I never stopped him. Even that Sunday I had said sorry and that he should go but he chose not to. I just let him know I was sad and that I had wanted to see him. I never stopped him from doing anything.

[talaniman]

Don't feel so down, and guilty. Just because he saw it that way, doesn't mean you were, and that's only HIS opinion.maybe he was overly sensitive. Maybe you were more interested in him, than he was with you.

I think I have been dumped more times than I care to imagine and, know for a fact the quicker you get back to doing your own thing without him, the quicker it gets better. Your are probably still in shock, and that's okay, as it will pass, as do all things, bad feelings included, and you get back in the swing of things, making new memories, through new adventures, activities, friends, and family.

Takes time is all, and you have plenty. Just be good to yourself.

[unknowing]

He wanted to marry me... then not even a month later he tells me that he loves me and then the next he break ups with me? Kind of hard to not feel like I ruined it. We had plans for this summer... he was going to work with me and he was all excited.

[talaniman]

Sucks when it doesn't work. Vent away, we all understand, some of us only to well.

[Jake2008]

There are always alarm bells going off in my head when I hear 'everything was perfect in our relationship', then suddenly it's a breakup.

Going from 'perfection' to a breakup, most certainly has some between times that were NOT perfect. And over time, added up to the demise of the relationship.

Those imperfect times, were not just disagreements over who has decided to spend time with other people, or activities. While a couple in a committed relationship plan their time around eachother's individual interests, friends, family obligations etc. what develops is independence within a relationship.

That is that solid, comfortable place, where you put your partners needs above your own, and realize that you do not own anybody's time, and that that person is not obligated to give up their personal space, activities, friends, etc. Any part of that that you try to change, or force to change about a person, is controlling behaviour.

IF however, the balance in the relationship becomes such that he spends ALL his time with his beer buddies, or at the strip club, bar, race track or his mother's house, means that his obligation to you and your relationship with him, is taking a backseat. In that regard, your basic needs in the relationship are not being met.

While this may not seem like you were a controlling person to him, dig a little deeper and find out where your comfort level was with him, and whether you demanded more of his time than was reasonable or should have been expected, or whether there was truly compromise in eachothers' freedoms, outside just the two of you.

You can justify your behaviour all you like, but until you figure out why the cause of the breakup was seen as you being too controlling- even figuring that out might give you some insight into what type of person he was.

Perhaps he was never as solid a partner as you thought. His 'reason' for the breakup blaming you for being so controlling may have meant he didn't want to have to stop doing whatever he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. In which case, figure out why he was not the man for you, and perhaps learn a lesson that will take you a longer way in the next relationship.

[unknowing]

He never mentioned needing guy time before. He said a few Fridays he wanted alone time before we went out so I would go home until he called. He did not spend much time alone with his friends but we were always with his friends it seemed. If he had said he wanted to go out alone then that would be fine. He did not like scheduling hang out time with his friends. I tried talking to him about that because there were times that I worked that he could easily have planned to do something with his friends... he didn't want to do that so I said OK. He never told me I was too controlling. That is why I am confused. He told his friend that. He told me that I got upset 3 times when he wanted alone time or guy time. 1 Time in January which I do not remember. Then The Sunday before but I apologized and told him he should still go... he chose not to. Then that Tuesday because I wasn't going to see him Thursday. Monday and Wednesday we only see each other for 1 hr before we fall asleep.

Well I ran into him last night... First time in 1 1/2 months. I had not seen him since the break up.

One of the things he really liked was that we could be together and do our own thing. He would read while I watch TV. So even though we were together a lot we did out own thing. He had also asked me to move clothes in so I could stay over more. Why do that if he did not want to be around me much? I texted him letting him know I was going to stay at my place on Thursday because we were both going out with our friends but accidentally said Tuesday and he was was like "Why aren't you coming over tonight???" like it was a big deal if I did not come over. I said I was going to come and he said OK good like he wanted me to. He said I should want alone time too but I got that during the day so it did not bother me. So should I have just done what he wanted and come over when he wanted or not?? All I wanted was a night or time for us to go out and do something not lay around in the bed watching TV. Also why not talk to me about it instead of just ending the relationship?

[talaniman]

You can beat yourself up with guilt, and questions about what happened all you want to, but the simple answer is lack of communications, and incompatibility. Most times when a partner says controlling, as he does, he often means a lack of control, and if that's what he really wanted, more control, as you say, why didn't he say so?

Of course you cannot see all the possibilities of what happened, because you are struggling to understand your own feelings that this break up has caused in you. You just want simple, easy to understand answers, so you can accept things and feel better, so you can settle down those intense feelings.

That's usually where a best girlfriend comes in, a listener, and comforter, who allows you to vent, and gives you that shoulder to cry on. Hope you have one, especially since seeing him so recently, which no doubt has stirred those already intense feelings even more.

I suspect when your emotional dust settles, you will see that you were willing to give, give, and keep giving, but he took, but couldn't tell you what else he really wanted.

He wanted a live in female who met his needs, gave him freedom whenever he wanted it, without giving too much himself. You weren't it, because you wanted quality time, and him to be available to you. INCOMPATIBLE! It happens, and all that matters is what you do about it, and instead of talking, and working it out, he chose to leave, and as hurting as that was, you will soon see, that it was for the best, because now you have a chance to do better for yourself, after this painful growing experience.

[unknowing]

What do you mean by saying I was too controlling that he meant lack of control? I feel like there was a lack of communication for sure. I think his quality time and mine were different. I mentioned to him before that quality time for me was not coming and watching TV for a hour and falling asleep. I enjoyed that time but I also wanted time that we went out and did something and I do not know how much of that happened. We had trouble in the beginning with hanging out with friends all the time. We talked about at least 1 or 2 times a month just having an us night and we did every once in a while. I guess we did the Saturday night before.. we stayed at his place most of the night and were going to hang out with a friend but that fell through so we went and got a quick drink and I mean quick because he started to feel sick. Was I asking too much?