[woodendoll]

I recently discovered that my boyfriend of 3 years has a six year old son with an older lady. I guess they had agreed to go have an abortion but she lied to him and kept the baby. He does not have contact with them at all, but does pay child support. She now has another daughter by another man and has completely moved on. Yet, she periodically calls my boyfriend (I came to find out) to harrass him about not being in their son's life and has gone above and beyond to tell his family about their situation.

I also got pregnant by my boyfriend (3 months into the relationship) and decided to get an abortion. He really wanted to make things work, and we gave it a shot and have been together ever since. However, I just found out about his 6 yr old son through a 3rd party. I was completely blindsidded and very upset that he withheld that information from me during our relationship.

Although I have been able to control my feelings, I sometimes feel very upset and emotional and do not know what the correct response to this news should be. I know we talked about the situation, and I understand that he was scared of telling me, but I feel betrayed. Also, I wouldn't want to be with him if he is going to ignore his son completely, so I told him I'd support him establishing a relationship with his son. However, I feel like that might be pressuring him to do something he never intended. Altimately, I want him to become a better person. I have no idea the impact this might have on our future.

Am I doing the right thing? I'm so confussed!!

[talaniman]

This is shocking news to say the least, especially in the way you got it, not from him. I think its to soon to have a plan of action yet, but maybe letting the dust settle and seeing this with clear eyes, open mind and a very objective heart.

Then you can at least see if this is a deal breaker, or just a glitch, an obstacle to be worked through. Take all the time you need to get over the shock. So you can do what you feel is right for YOU.

[Jake2008]

I don't know that I would want to be involved with a man who hasn't stepped up to be a father to his own son. That says a lot about him. You are right to question this, and offer to help him establish a relationship with his son. It is long overdue.

And it is a betrayal. I can see not meeting any children in a new relationship until things are firmly established, but to not mention you have a six year old? I don't see how his involvement is optional, and it seems like the child's mother realizes the importance of a son to have his father in his life.

I think Tal is right- let the dust settle before you make any decisions one way or the other. It will be a huge responsibility for you to help him establish a relationship with his son, because you will be involved with him as well. And the child's mother. If your boyfriend is not fully committed in being in his child's life (and only doing this to make you happy), you may end up in the unenviable position of being his 'substitute', and far more involved than you wish to be.

I hope that he can step up, and truly be a father to that young boy- for all the right reasons.

[greatstudent]

My opinion is that have an honest talk with him about the situation. Whatever he wants to do, try and support him on his decision. If I were you I would also be very confused, but just trust in his judgement for now. You never know if one day he will want to gain that relationship with his son. Just wait and see. Trust in his decision for now and see where it takes your relationship.

I hope that everything will go well with you. :)