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Acer5100 · May 30, 2011, 11:33 AM

Hi Everyone,

This is my first question. Well, it's not really a question. I guess I need a place to vent and hopefully find some sense in my confusion. I apologize if it sounds too long-winded, but I want to be as detailed as possible.

About a year and a half ago I met a very cool girl at work (M). It's the classic case of guy meets awesome girl who already has a boyfriend. While it sucked to know that, I figured we could still be friends. At first we only talked for formalities sake, but as time went on we grew closer. We discussed about each others history, shared similar interests, made jokes and more. Despite logic telling me otherwise, I fell for her. Foolish, I know.

I never had any intention to come between M and her boyfriend. She's in a committed relationship that's been going on for over 5 years so I respected the boundaries. I knew I had to get over her so there were times last year when I purposely kept my distance. Apparently this upset her a little bit because she would complain to a mutual co-worker of ours that I was avoiding her. After a month of not seeing M, I finally caved and said hi. She immediately hugged me to my surprise, as we never expressed that kind of emotion to each other before.

My feelings grew deeper as time went on. When she felt unappreciated at work, I was there to support her. I didn't know much about the health of her relationship and I never pried. One night a co-worker was having a going away party. I asked M if she was going and her response surprised me. She said she wanted to but she wouldn't be allowed. I replied that she's a grown woman and should be able to make her own decisions. She answered that she could, but would have to fight about it the next morning.

From there she told me stories about how her boyfriend had some controlling issues and felt insecure for whatever reason. This is not what I was expecting. She's a beautiful girl with a kind soul; she could have any guy she wanted. Why she tolerated this behavior was beyond me. The hardest part was that I could tell in her eyes that she really wanted to go.

Shortly after the New Year I saw M at work and she seemed down. I asked if she was okay and she said she got into a fight with her boyfriend. From what she told me, he seemed to be acting unfairly. She revealed more after work and things were worse than I thought. She said they have broken up more than once but he would guilt her back into the relationship.

She ended up crying in my arms. I just listened and tried to give her advice. I told her communication is vital and hopefully he would turn things around. I guess he would go through cycles, a couple of months being nice which would alternate with being a jerk. I told her I had no right to say she should leave him. She replied that she should and that he's made her life hell but she's weak. Granted I was only hearing her side of the story and she chooses to stay with him. I'm not blind to that fact. She ended up calling me the perfect guy, which I shrugged off. I didn't want her putting me on that pedestal. After that moment, our bond grew stronger. She would share other problems that were going on. M said she wasn't used to venting and it felt good. She mentioned that her boyfriend isn't really conversational. My grandmother passed away in January and she was there for me as well, so it was a two-way street.

A couple of months ago I decided to tell M how I felt, not so that I could convince her to leave her boyfriend, but to avoid any regrets of not letting her know. I just needed to get this weight off my shoulders. One night after work I admitted my feelings to her. I told her I know she didn't feel the same and I was fine with that. I said I would always be there for her if she needed me, but I would stay out of her life if that's what she wanted.

As I turned to leave M said she had something to tell me. She had feelings for me as well. This is not the reaction I was expecting. She is someone who is way out of my league. M said it's been bottled up inside her and there were times when she wanted to tell me how she felt. We both agreed that nothing could happen between us as long as she was with her current boyfriend. However, she still wanted to remain friends. I knew the logical thing to do was to cut all ties then and there, but listening to my mind over my heart isn't one of my strong points.

Since then things have been fine until a few weeks ago. The mutual friend of ours that I mentioned earlier (let's call her A) sent an e-mail asking me to call her. She didn't want to hurt my feelings, but it was about M and what she told A, so she thought I should know. While A was at work, M went up to her and asked if she heard the gossip. A asked "What gossip?". She replied that it was about her stalker.. me. She told A how I would always come to see her. She told a friend of mine who also works there the same, which he got the impression that she thought I was being a nuisance.

Also, M apparently told another co-worker that I made her feel uncomfortable. That co-worker went to my boss, who then proceeded to talk to M about it. She told my boss that she didn't want to make it a big deal and would take care of it with me personally.

The worst part is that I heard all of this through A, my friend and boss, and nothing from M. I felt hurt, used, frustrated, confused and worthless all at once. I've done nothing but be there for her as a friend, expecting nothing in return. I was willing to accept that I would only be an emotional outlet for her, even though it was detrimental to my well-being. I was naïve enough to believe that I could get over her at the same time.

I've been avoiding her at work again ever since I found this out. Then today she stopped me while I was walking by and asked if we could talk. I told her it would be best if we never spoke to each other again unless it was work related. However, she insisted and I agreed to let her explain herself after we got off work. According to her, she was only asking for advice from the other co-worker about how to subtly keep our distance and that co-worker blew things out of proportion. M informed the co-worker about her feelings for me and never told her I made her feel uncomfortable.

When I asked about M referring to me as her stalker to A, she denied saying that. I don't know if there was some kind of miscommunication between them, but I can't imagine A lying to me. She has been a big supporter of M, wishing that she would leave her boyfriend for me. When I told A about the denial, she said that was a lie and that M is playing games. I don't want to believe that either.

I asked M why she didn't just come to me first about this. She said she was scared and realized she made a mistake. She was just trying to help the both of us get over each other before things got worse. She apologized and started crying, saying she understands if I decided to hate her. Of course I can't hate her. M revealed that she told her boyfriend about us, which I suspect he told her to stop talking to me; however she said he only told her to tone it down.

M said I didn't deserve this and that she doesn't deserve my friendship that she damaged. She wants to be there for me completely but can't. Essentially, she told me she's still choosing her boyfriend over me. However, she said she valued our friendship above everything. Before we could decide on what to do next, another co-worker interrupted us so I went home.

I've never been this confused in my life. She said she always ends up hurting people, but I don't know if she meant guys from her past or former friends in general. I know not seeing M anymore will keep me from getting my heart broken again in the long run, but I don't want to abandon her either. I realize I can't put an S on my chest and come to her rescue. Everything that has happened is the result of choices she's willingly made. I still believe she is a good person. I want good people in my life, but I don't want to feel like this ever again.

I'm sorry for writing a novel. I know I'm being childish. I have to make my own decision about this. Like I said earlier, I just needed to vent and I don't keep a journal. If you've read this far, thanks! I truly do appreciate the support.

I wish · May 30, 2011, 01:02 PM

You're not the only one who's been in this situation before. But check out this thread for insights: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...ip-463250.html

Unforutnately, it seems like you already have your answer. She only wants to be your friend.

Acer5100 · May 30, 2011, 01:27 PM

Hey I Wish,

Thanks for the response. I actually read your sticky a few months back. Great guide. I know she won't leave her boyfriend for me. I guess what I'm trying to decide on is if I should accept her apology and still be her friend. I don't want to feel like this ever again. I don't think she would make the same mistake, but I guess it's the risk I take if I accept her apology. It sucks when you try to do the right thing and still end up getting hurt.

It's funny: I remembered a scene from the U.S. version of 'The Office' between Jim and Michael. Jim was telling Michael all the great qualities about Pam, who is already in a relationship, and Michael simply says, "Well, if you like her so much, don't give up."

Unfortunately, life doesn't play out like on TV. If only it were that easy.

Thanks again, I Wish!

I wish · May 30, 2011, 01:37 PM

It was easy in that case because Pam actually liked Jim back, so he just had to wait for the right moment. Even though she rejected him when he confessed his feelings, she still had feelings for him. The ball was on Pam's side of the court to make something happen after casino night. She made her move on the beach night when she was soaking her feet, while sealed the deal.

In your case, you made your move. So the ball is on her side of the court. Who knows if she will come around one day, but there isn't much you can do without the ball.

You can always be patient and hope that she comes around to you. But every moment that you're waiting for something that may never happen, you're also missing out on other great things around you.

BMI · May 30, 2011, 01:51 PM

Who really knows who said what, exactly?

Fact of the matter is that she was always your friend and I don't think she, at any point, was going to leave her boyfriend for you.

Nevertheless, she does seem sorry for hurting you, as evidenced by her crying. I mean, what reason does she have to keep you hanging around if not for the fact she appreciates your friendship? Also, I think people say things to other people at work that may sound really harsh but in truth, are not meant to be (perhaps she was trying to impress someone, etc.).

Having said that, no one would like to learn of their friend saying things like this so the decision is yours whether you think you can forgive and forget while getting the notion of you two being together out of your head. If you can't do all three of those things, this friendship will not work.

Only you know what you are going to be comfortable with.

Best of luck, friend. You seem like a real nice guy.

Acer5100 · May 30, 2011, 02:51 PM

I Wish: Ironically, this probably would have been easier if she never revealed that she liked me too.

BMI: Yeah, messages can start getting fuzzy as they spread around the workplace. I thought I could keep things simple between us by being her friend. I never expected to change her mind. And didn't think all this would happen. I never asked her to leave her boyfriend. Thanks for the input!

I wish · May 30, 2011, 08:58 PM

She already knows how you feel. If she wanted something to happen, she will come find you.

Sumitkumar7266 · May 30, 2011, 09:27 PM

Hey buddy.. Same thing happen to me before 3 month.. She was also in my work place and after 3 month of break up everything is normal.You now why it is normal for me because I didn't tried to contact her and she did not tried because she can't face me.. She is feeling guilty and let her stew.. She did the wrong and same thing might happen when she will come in your life and after some days she will start seeing another one.The sticky pasted by I wish is very good if you will apply in your life... If you don't want to hurt you everyday in the office then go for No contact.. For 1-2 month,it will hurt you but after some day you will be fine and you will get another nice person in your life..

You can't shove the toothpaste back into the tube.In the same way, I don't believe you two can be close friends again.. Don't wait for the false hope.. She will not come back and if she want to come too don't go for this relationship at least..

You need to start loving yourself and do at least one thing every day that you enjoy doing.. Make new friends.. Go out.. Enjoy your life..

I know how it hurts when you do good for someone and they hurt you.. See this line"Maturity is when a person hurts you and you try to understand their situation and don't hurt them back".. Forget her as she was your dream.. A gal who came into your life for some days and gave you lots of happiness and then she left.. Now someone else will come.. Don't stick with this relationship.. All the best..

talaniman · May 31, 2011, 10:10 AM

A couple of months ago I decided to tell M how I felt, not so that I could convince her to leave her boyfriend, but to avoid any regrets of not letting her know. I just needed to get this weight off my shoulders. One night after work I admitted my feelings to her. I told her I know she didn't feel the same and I was fine with that. I said I would always be there for her if she needed me, but I would stay out of her life if that's what she wanted.

I won't be as nice as the other guys but all this could have been avoided had you kept your mouth shut, and kept a safe distance from a female that had a boyfriend, in a rocky relationship, that worked with you. YOU crossed a line of good behavior.

You crossed many lines yourself when you "unburdened" yourself. She needed a friend, but as you see she has her flaws, as do we all, but when co workers, especially the boss gets involved in personal business, it's a red flag that things went to far.

Own your part of it, and do better in the future, and pay attention to clear warning signs next time. Maybe we cannot control the feelings we have for others, but we darn sure CAN CONTROL what we do about them.

Just me, forget this episode, forgive her, and yourself, and do what you should have done in the first place, keep a safe emotional distance with females that have a boyfriend, especially where you work!! Quite honestly, you have to be very careful with females who have just gotten out of a relationship, they make lousy partners.

The bottom line is YOU got carried away by your own feelings. Change yourself, make yourself better and more aware, and do better next time. Helluva learning experience, but extremely valuable.

Sometimes its better to shoulder your own burdens, and not unload them to others, just so you have no regrets later. As you see, she couldn't handle your burden. But don't blame her for your actions, learn from them, and do better.

Acer5100 · Jun 1, 2011, 02:50 PM

Sumit: I'm sorry about the situation you had to go through. I'm glad you were able to move on. Thanks for the kind words.

Talaniman: I know it seems selfish that I told her how I felt. But I think the regret of holding it in would have been worse. You're right, I need to learn from this. Thank you for the input and being to the point.

I wish · Jun 2, 2011, 09:13 AM

I wouldn't say that you were selfish for confessing your feelings to her. If that's how you feel about her, then you have the right to express yourself.

But after you threw the ball onto her side of the court, it's up to her if she wants to act on your feelings. The part that wouldn't be fair is if you continued to push her for an answer or if she continued to lead you on without actually committing to you.

By letting her know how you feel, the air is clear and both of you can move on with your lives without the "what ifs". I would agree that living with the regret of not telling her how you feel is much more painful than getting rejected.

Furthermore, now she doesn't have to guess what you're thinking or feeling anymore, so it's actually more fair to her because she knows the truth.

Acer5100 · Jun 5, 2011, 06:39 PM

Thanks, I Wish. I'm definitely not forcing the issue and trying to persuade her to leave her boyfriend. Also, she had never told me to wait for her.

We followed up our conversation last week and I decided to forgive her. To me, life is too short to unnecessarily lose the people you care about. I told her to let me know if our friendship becomes a problem again. I will stay out of her life if that becomes the case. And if she hurts me again, then that would be another reason to cut all ties.

She was ecstatic that I decided to continue our friendship. We talked for almost an hour after work. She said there were times when she was very close to ending things with her boyfriend. I asked what stopped her and she replied that she invested a lot in her relationship. I can understand that.

We also talked about things we normally discussed before all this happened. It felt good to have that connection back. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. However, having her in my life makes me happy, among other emotions, so I'm going to follow my heart one more time.

I appreciate all of your feedback. It means a lot.

I wish · Jun 6, 2011, 08:02 AM

No problem. Let us know how things go. Hopefully you'll also stick around to help others in a similar situation!

Sumitkumar7266 · Jun 6, 2011, 08:46 AM

Congrats that you got your friend..

Acer5100 · Jun 9, 2011, 08:56 PM

Thanks! I'm glad I got my friend back too. We've been talking for about 30-40 minutes after work for the past week. I will definitely stick around to help other posters on here.