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munshkin · May 19, 2011, 12:31 PM

In advance I would like to apologize for making it so long.

I'm not sure what to do, I was with this guy for a little over an year, it's been about elven months since we broke up so I think it's best I just keep my distance. We were best friends for about two and a half years before we began dating.

Since we broke up he's dated a couple of girls, and I began dating one guy about five months ago. The guy I began seeing is a previous ex who wanted a chance to make up for all of his mistakes. I kept telling him that I didn't want to be with him because it wouldn't be fair to either of us. Well, he kept asking me for a chance and I gave him the chance, but told him that it doesn't change how I feel about my ex that I still love him, but that who knows maybe it will work out between the two of us.

I felt wrong letting the guy I'm now seeing that I missed my ex, but I didn't think it would be fair to tell him he's the only guy on my mind if I still missed my ex. I tried to forget about my ex, basically forced myself to move on, so that my boy friend and I could be happy together, so far it's been working great.

However, as the months have passed it's getting harder to keep him out of my head. I feel like I need to fix our old friendship.When I see him it's like he doesn't see me, when I speak with him he avoids all eye contact he's not mean about it though. I keep thinking that he's doing better off without me, so I try to keep away and for a while I've succeeded but about a week ago as soon as the night came I couldn't control it any more I just think about it, it haunts me. The days keep going and now I catch myself thinking about it during the day time.

Do I approach him and tell him I need to speak with him, or do I keep silent? If I talk to him would that be selfish of me? Do I consider the fact that he looks better off when I'm not around, and that the guy I'm with really does love me and do I keep silent for him? And if I don't will it keep eating me up inside?

Wondergirl · May 19, 2011, 12:50 PM

You keep silent.

You are allowing yourself to obsess. Stop it. Go to your public library and check out or order through interlibrary loan the book, White Bears and Other Unwanted Thoughts: Suppression, Obsession, and the Psychology of Mental Control by Daniel M. Wegner. Your ex has become your white bear.

From Publishers Weekly --
When subjects in a psychology experiment were told not to think about a white bear, their minds, naturally, filled up with white furry images. "This rewarding and informal essay takes a fresh, unconventional look at the ways we deal with unwanted thoughts and relates those mental processes to mood swings, addictions, depression and day-to-day survival," maintained PW. - Copyright 1990 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal
Wegner (psychology, Trinity Univ. in Texas) offers an in-depth study of the mind's ability to suppress thoughts and of its inability to control those suppressed thoughts. (Eighteen pages of source notes support his extensive research.) Thus, in one of the studies he conducted, Wegner asked subjects not to think of a white bear--and of course they could not rid their minds of that thought. The author explores how suppression can lead to obsession, how mood and mind control can be useful, and what affinity exists between mind and body. Psychology students, professionals, and those willing to go beyond typical pop psychology overviews will find this book of interest. -Marguerite Mroz, Baltimore Cty. P.L.

munshkin · May 19, 2011, 01:32 PM

I did make myself forget before and for four months I was doing great. How many times am I going to have to stop before it doesn't bother me any more? I am going to look up the book though, I'd do anything to keep my mind from dazing off into old memories.

BMI · May 19, 2011, 01:38 PM

You say nothing to him. Furthermore, I do not think you're being fair to your current boyfriend, in the least. Here you are dating him but entertaining ideas of approaching an ex-boyfriend for some stale 11-month old reason.

I'd break things off with your current boyfriend (for his sake) and work on getting off this obsession with your ex-boyfriend (for your sake).

talaniman · May 19, 2011, 09:03 PM

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/emotio...us-568092.html

You asked in another post why are you paranoid and jealous. If this is the same guy you are with now, then you are afraid. Of what? I don't know, but it does explain why you cannot let go of another who made you comfortable before, and why you are obsessed with him now.

Typical of someone who hasn't healed properly, and carries a lot of baggage into this new relationship. Well its not a new relationship,you went back to an old one to be in a comfort zone.

You should have stayed single, and gotten the other guy out of your system. 6 months was not enough, and I don't think you're in it to win it. I think you are afraid to be alone.

amicon · May 19, 2011, 11:15 PM

You stay silent and you have a serious think about being single-until you have healed from the break up.

You heal by doing things that make you feel good,being with people who lift your spirits and by realising that the past is the past.

You go live in the now-it's called the present

munshkin · May 20, 2011, 01:29 AM

Thank you, out of all of the answers I've gotten, yours seems to make the most sense to me. I had asked the guy I'm with now to give me time to be o my own to think. I'm not afraid of being alone, as much as I am of letting someone down. I've let my ex down greatly (I know because he told me so) which keeps me pondering about the past and I can't stand the idea of letting the guy I'm with now down either so I stay by him because he makes it clear that he goes crazy when I'm gone.

amicon · May 20, 2011, 02:52 AM

First of all-don't let yourself down.

What matters here is how you feel,not what other people tell you about the impact your actions have on them.

talaniman · May 20, 2011, 07:02 AM

Stop being a people pleaser, and focus on yourself, by yourself, for yourself.

mmresd · May 20, 2011, 02:31 PM

"The guy I began seeing is a previous ex who wanted a chance to make up for all of his mistakes. I kept telling him that i didn't want to be with him because it wouldn't be fair to either of us. Well, he kept asking me for a chance and I gave him the chance, but told him that it doesn't change how i feel about my ex that I still love him, but that who knows maybe it will work out between the two of us."

This is a MISTAKE.

No, end your pity relationship with your current boyfriend and leave the other guy who clearly doesn't want to be with you alone. Do your own thing and stop trying to revive the past. Look towards the future, involving yourself in relationships of the past is a really bad thing to do. Live your live and let these guys live theirs.

Good Luck,
Javi

munshkin · May 22, 2011, 07:50 PM

Thanks for the advice, but that pity relationship worked out great a love the guy I'm with now, I told him I'd give him a chance and that if it worked out it worked out and if it didn't I call it off. And goodness sake do I have to put that I'm not trying to revive an old relationship in capital letters! I just wanted to fix the friend ship we once had that's it nothing else, I wasn't thinking of him in an attracted kind of way I was thinking of him in "Damn I hurt one of my best friends kind of way."

talaniman · May 23, 2011, 06:15 AM

You do more harm trying to fix things than if you let things fix themselves in there own time. Why force it??

Don't you have other things to focus on now and for the future? Look forward, not back.

munshkin · May 23, 2011, 09:24 PM

Yeah thanks, and for some peculiar reason my sense of guilt has gone. I'm not sure if it will come back but it isn't bothering me now.