[bailey300]

I am lost on how to proceed. My 13 yr old is so shy that I know it has killed her social life. Or its something else. She has one friend at school but never does anything outside of school. Her social skills are very poor despite our encouragment. She is missing out on everything that a normal teen should do. She doesn't know what to do in social situations. I will purchase her the 'in' clothes and try to teach her how to be attractive (with the battle of bangs and acne). I hear other friends talk about what their daughters are doing - sleep overs, movies, mall, playing but my daughter doesn't do any of it. She was shunned from a neighborhood carpool of fellow 7th grade girls. She sits at home when I watch the other girls walking in the neighborhood together. I used to think that it the other girls but now after years of this, I understand that it is my daughter. Can anyone help me with advice on what to do to make this better?
Thanks

[Bluerose]

I have a young grandson living with me, he will be 14 in May. He doesn't have any friends. My son remarried and the young guy felt pushed out when another two little boys came along.

He is so nice but prone to sadness. I do what I can. I love him very much.

How about if we put the young ones in touch with each other?

Check this out….



Tell her he is from UK lol

PS Whatever keeps them going, okay?
Teens are tough, let them have some fun.

If she likes his photo I'll give her his email.

[valinors_sorrow]

I must own up front that I don't have any children so this answer can be filtered through that, if you like. However, it may be that you need to accept that your child is of a solitary nature and look to help her "bloom where she is planted". I say this from this perspective: I was a very outgoing child who, for reasons I am not going into now, changed in my adolsecent years to someone far more solitary. The pressure placed on me was not good. I think its important to find what interests your daughter and develop that, regardless of how far off the beaten path that is or how unsocial it may be. I was into reading and drawing a lot. And I like Bluerose's suggestion since I had a penpal too! And I would have adored having my very own pet but my parents just couldn't seem to work that out and what pets we had didn't last. I was a sad child too. Still am LOL -- just look at my name here! While I eventually overcame my social akwardness, I am still not much of a people person really. Its one of those things you may be overrating at this point? Just a few thoughts to shed a little light that I hope are helpful.

PS - cute grandson Rose!

[Bluerose]

"However, it may be that you need to accept that your child is of a solitary nature and look to help her "bloom where she is planted"."

I like this. And thank you, he is lovely and doesn't deserve to suffer this . His mum had him taken from her cause she hurt him - he was 10 months old and in hospital with a broken thigh bone.

She was found not guilty cause there was no witnesses. We haven't seen her since. My son and him were together for 8 years then my son remarried and the little one felt pushed out.

He seems quite happy here with me. We have some good fun, watch lots of movies, and he is right into World Of War Craft.

I have taken out a new contract with 'Death' so I can be here for him. Lol

He's amazing and deserves to be happy.

I had a tough childhood too with a dad who was manic, and committed suicide when he was 41, I was 19.

My wee guy will be okay - if it's the last thing I do.

It's amazing being able to share this stuff with you people. Thank you so much.
And thank you, bailey300. Good post. Hope she will be okay. They just need to be allowed to blossom. Love her and take her as she is.

Rose xx

I love the words of this song. ~


Wildflowers

The hills were alive with wildflowers
And I was as wild, even wilder than they
For at least I could run, they just died in the sun
And I refused to just wither in place

Just a wild mountain rose, needing freedom to grow
So I ran fearing not where I'd go
When a flower grows wild, it can always survive
Wildflowers don't care where they grow

And the flowers I knew in the fields where I grew
Were content to be lost in the crowd
They were common and close
I had no room for growth
I wanted so much to branch out

I uprooted myself from home ground and left
Took my dreams and I took to the road
When a flower grows wild, it can always survive
Wildflowers don't care where they grow.

I grew up fast and wild and I never felt right
In a garden so different from me
I just never belonged, I just longed to be gone
So the garden, one day, set me free

Hitched a ride with the wind and since he was my friend
I just let him decide where we'd go
When a flower grows wild, it can always survive
Wildflowers don't care where they grow.

When a flower grows wild, it can always survive
Wildflowers don't care where they grow.

By Dolly Parton

[robynhgl]

I hate to bring this up as it may scare you a little... but have you ever had your daughter evaluated for Asperger Syndrome? It's a form of high functioning autism.

I have a 10 year old daughter. We have been awate of her 'condition' for approximately 5 years. She too is socially unskilled and tends to be a little odd at times which makes it sort of hard for her to be accepted by a lot of her peers. Fortunately, we knew and understood that she was a bit different from other kids early on and we pursued it. First through her pediatrician who sent her to a specialist for an evaluation. Once we knew and understood what her deal was we were able to work with her and also get the school involved to help her learn how to act more appropriately with the other kids. We kept her behind this past year (4th grade) and she has made remarkable progress.

The thing about Asperger Syndrome--especially in girls, is that many of the behaviors are things we associate with shy little girls. It's usually overlooked.

What concerned her father and I the most was that we worried more about her own self esteem and self perception because she is different. A good number of young people who are afflicted with this, who do not know they have it, become very depressed because they are frequently outcasts and they don't understand why. Some even do drastic things... we did not want that for our daughter.

The good thing is--if you know what's going on--you can deal with it better--and so can she. I am really proud of my daughter. She is a beautiful child who can hold a conversation with any adult--however--she still has a bit of difficulty doing the same with another kid. LOL! In some areas she is so lacking that we choose to 'let it go'--she didn't learn to tie her shoes until she was in the 3rd grade... yet she tested at junior high levels for cognitive reasoning at the same time. We focus on her strengths and help her along with her weakness'. The best part is--she knows she's different and she delights in it... she marches to the beat of her own drummer. The few good friends that she has made are all she wants and needs. And that's not so bad, I'd rather know she has chosen a few that are steady and true than worrying about her doing harmful things to fit with the 'in crowd'.

I probably gave you more information than you needed--or wanted, but maybe you should look into Asperger Syndrome... it may give you some answers.

[dbrmckeever]

I read the all the posts with great interest!
I was also a 'solitary' person who, as a teen, couldn't understand friendships really well. It took me more than 30 years to discover that I was a fairly extreme introvert and as such I got my energy from being alone and was plainly more comfortable doing things by myself. Over 50 years later I now truly understand this part of my psyche; the adage, "if I knew then what I know now", certainly applies here! My work requires me to interact with others and often perform in meetings or give in public presentations; my work day really sucks the energy out of me! (introversion and extroversion have nothing to do with shyness or outgoingness!) Enough about me...

Finding friendships is much like dating, if you look hard and try hard to find it, it will elude you! My best, and most fun, situations occurred by surprise and always result from putting myself in situations that produce social interactions naturally! So, if I was looking for a romantic relationship, bars and nightclubs are out, bowling, art classes, community boards, etc. are in! The same applies for friendships! Find your girl age appropriate activities to do; the friendships will be a happy result. Don't worry so much about belonging to school related peer group; interacting within these groups requires 'fitting in' and bending too much to peer pressure. Not an easy task for an introvert!

I also happen to agree with the posting above describing 'Asperger's Syndrome'. Though not entirely familiar with this form of autism, I do know it can produce confusing and uncomfortable reactions to social interaction. I would certainly have her tested for Aspergers; knowing the results either way will help tremendously.

[xxfaithxx]

I am lost on how to procede. My 13 yr old is so shy that I know it has killed her social life. Or its something else. She has one friend at school but never does anything outside of school. Her social skills are very poor despite our encouragment. She is missing out on everything that a normal teen should do. She doesn't know what to do in social situations. I will purchase her the 'in' clothes and try to teach her how to be attractive (with the battle of bangs and acne). I hear other friends talk about what their daughters are doing - sleep overs, movies, mall, playing but my daughter doesn't do any of it. She was shunned from a neighborhood carpool of fellow 7th grade girls. She sits at home when I watch the other girls walking in the neighborhood together. I used to think that it the other girls but now after years of this, I understand that it is my daughter. can anyone help me with advice on what to do to make this better?
thanks

I think if you want your daughter to sociolize why not take her to scouts
Or speak to one of her teachers anf ask if she can help build her confidence

[xxfaithxx]

If you want your children to sociolize then take them to scouts or take them to a teacher and see how they can help

[Jake2008]

Is she unhappy, or having trouble at school? Has she been bullied, or had bad experiences with the other girls?

I know from experience a 'gang' of 7th grade girls can be very mean.

If she has one friend at school, why not invite her over, along with maybe a few other kids for a sleepover/end of school party.

She may be too shy to make the effort to call, but if she's in agreement, why don't you call the mom's and see if you can get the ball rolling.

I agree with activities, swimming lessons, soccer. Summer is almost here, sign her up for some exercise and mingling with other kids. If she's artistic, check out art classes for kids.

You say her social skills are very poor and have killed her social life. Maybe she just doesn't feel like she fits in with the activities of the others. 7th graders might be into things that just don't interest her yet, like boys, fashion, the mall etc.

If, she is just one of those kids that prefers her own company, she will eventually meet gentle people like herself along the way. I don't think there is anything wrong with her, unless her school has pointed out some potential learning difficulties, but you didn't mention she was having trouble in that department.

Try not to give her the impression that there is something 'wrong' with her. She's entering into those pre-teen years, hormones, all that stuff.

She may be a different person when she finds something in common with people too.

[hhholiday]

I think your daughter has social anxiety disorder.. I'm 13 and I have the same problem
Good luck

[jenniepepsi]

*hugs* this is a tough spot to be in. I'm sorry your going through it.

I never had any friends. At all. Oh sure I had a few girls I had a nodding aquantance with. Usually girls the same as me, shy, quiet, 'the weird one' as the other kids would say... but no real friends.

I adjusted to it all right. It was hard. It made me hard on the outside.

But once out of the pressures of school and cliques and all that dramatic crap the kids deal with these days, I have SO many friends as an adult, and I honestly wouldn't have changed my school life for anything. It made me stronger as a person. And it made me cherish the few friends I had even more.

I'm sorry I have no real advice. I only wanted to share my story that sounds a lot like your daughter.s

[earl237]

I was also shy and not great at sports so I didn't fit it with the "in crowd" but I had a small but loyal group of friends with similar interests which I found was better than having a large group of "cool" kids with nothing in common with.

[mburton1227]

I had the same problem until this year I was shy wouldn't talk to almost anyone

[dontknownuthin]

I wouldn't worry too much about the social piece at 13 - middle school years are tough, and she may just need more time and a chance to get into a larger school where she can find her own crowd in high school.

As for the social awkwardness, part of that is just being 13 so let her just relax at home and get a break from the social pressures of school. Make sure that at home she is enough - beautiful enough, clever and smart enough, talented enough, social enough - that you flat out are thrilled to have the time with her.

It's good to have good allies in the people who work with you to raise your child, too, like your pediatrician. I've often asked my son's doctor to discuss one issue or another with him, and have stepped out of the room for the exam portion of appointments. That way the doctor could address things like acne and hygiene, then they would just tell me things like, "we decided he'd like to get a prescription for the acne because it's bothering him" I'd say, "oh, sure, we can do that". The key was not to make a big deal about it.

Your daughter will find what makes her happy but these are tough years so make sure you're a safe person who doesn't make her feel more awkward or inadequate, or not pretty or sociable or popular enough and be careful what you say. She may not want to socialize much outside of family for a few more years - that's OK. She'll find her friends.