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411Help · May 13, 2011, 10:29 PM

I am an atheist and she is catholic. How would you go about resolving issues, such as, where to get married, whether you send your kids to church, etc etc.

Wondergirl · May 13, 2011, 10:36 PM

I'd go to an unbiased (not a Christian-type) counselor. The two of you (and eventual children) are very fortunate to have such a nice diversity of beliefs and experiences ahead of you. Look at your glass as being full to overflowing, and appreciate each other's viewpoint on ethics and morals especially.

411Help · May 13, 2011, 10:43 PM

She wants to get married in a church and I do not.
She wants to send our (future) kids to a church school and I do not.
Whether we get married in a church is not that big of a deal to me. The problem lies in our (future) kids.
How do you compromise on religion?

Wondergirl · May 13, 2011, 10:59 PM

Originally Posted by 411Help

The problem lies in our (future) kids.
How do you compromise on religion?

What experiences with atheism will you be able to bring to the marriage?

Wondergirl · May 13, 2011, 11:13 PM

Originally Posted by 411Help

She wants to get married in a church and I do not.

That's pretty much every little girl's dream -- to get married in a church, wear a beautiful white dress, carry fragrant flowers, have bridesmaids and flower girls, have a minister or priest conduct the ceremony. Prince William's and Kate's recent marriage was a picture-perfect wedding. Women and girls all over the world sighed in joy.

She wants to send our (future) kids to a church school and I do not.

From what I know, that's a solid demand for a Catholic. There may even be papers to sign about this.

Think about it as giving the kids structure and a moral base to build on. I sent my kids to a Lutheran school from Pre-K to eighth grade. Both made their own choices about religion/atheism when they reached their early 20s, but were glad they had had that religious foundation to weigh all the options against. And both would clean up on Jeopardy in the Bible category.

What are all the things you can do as an atheist parent?

NeedKarma · May 14, 2011, 02:24 AM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

What are all the things you can do as an atheist parent?

That's the second time you bring this up and I think you're going for a moral judgement here. You'll need to understand what atheism is: it's the belief that there are no deities. I'm an atheist and my kids are the sweetish kids you'll ever meet. Raising kids doesn't require a need to refer to a bible, it require attentive parents who are involved in their kid's lives. I've said it before and I'll say again: being religious doesn't make one a better person.

Wondergirl · May 14, 2011, 07:29 AM

Originally Posted by NeedKarma

That's the second time you bring this up and I think you're going for a moral judgement here.

Absolutely not!! The OP has to bring some kind of balance to the table. Does he plan to spend time with his children and take them on walks through the nature preserve and talk about geology and botany and the glories of nature apart from any god? Is he going to educate his kids that people all over the world have all kind of religious beliefs and some don't believe in a god and all of that's okay? And why it's okay? Or is he going to spend the entire marriage crabbing and complaining and making life miserable for his wife and kids because of what he agreed to at his marriage ceremony?

I had said in previous posts:
1) "I'd go to an unbiased (not a Christian-type) counselor. The two of you (and eventual children) are very fortunate to have such a nice diversity of beliefs and experiences ahead of you. Look at your glass as being full to overflowing, and appreciate each other's viewpoint on ethics and morals especially."

2) "Both [of my kids] made their own choices about religion/atheism when they reached their early 20s, but were glad they had had that religious foundation to weigh all the options against. And both would clean up on Jeopardy in the Bible category. What are all the things you can do as an atheist parent?"

You'll need to understand what atheism is: it's the belief that there are no deities.

I am very aware of what atheism is.

I'm an atheist and my kids are the sweetish kids you'll ever meet.

That's wonderful! I wouldn't expect any less from you whose posts here over the years have always been fun and informative to read.

Raising kids doesn't require a need to refer to a bible, it require attentive parents who are involved in their kid's lives.

Exactly! That is why I asked what the OP plans to bring to the table. I hope it would be as much as you have brought to yours.

I've said it before and I'll say again: being religious doesn't make one a better person.

I totally agree with you. In fact, I have a big problem with a lot of "religious" people and have no problem with atheists who usually accept someone without judgment and will allow those someones' attitudes and actions to determine who they are.

NeedKarma · May 14, 2011, 07:59 AM

The question only needs to be "what are all the things you can do as a parent". The Catholic parent doesn't bring anything new or different to parenting, just an indoctrination. Parenting is parenting regardless of one's religion.

excon · May 14, 2011, 08:06 AM

Originally Posted by 411Help

The problem lies in our (future) kids. How do you compromise on religion?

Hello 4:

You don't.

If there weren't kids involved it would be easy.. Ok, not easy, but doable. With kids, it's impossible... No, really, It's IMPOSSIBLE... If she's a believer, she won't countenance her kids being told there's no god. And, if you're an atheist, you won't countenance your kids being told there is.

excon

talaniman · May 14, 2011, 09:28 AM

You talk before you get married and have kids, until its resolved by having a plan you both can agree on. If you cannot resolve the issues through honest communications, you don't get married and have kids.

Simple solution.

DoulaLC · May 14, 2011, 10:41 AM

As has been said, it needs to be discussed honestly... and not just one time. There is also the possibility that either of you may alter your thoughts a bit at some point as you discuss your expectations, your reasons for your beliefs, etc.. Just how strong are each of your beliefs? Are they based on passed experiences or how each of you happened to be raised?

If an agreement can't be made that both of you are comfortable with, marriage may not be the best choice.

For some people, there is nothing wrong with bringing up kids with this is what daddy believes and this is what mommy believes. The thought is that kids who are exposed to a number of view points sometimes have an advantage wherein they may be better able to make informed decisions for their own beliefs. Which incidentally, may not be those of either of you!

411Help · May 14, 2011, 11:58 AM

Thank you all for your responses. I do not want to tell my kids that there is or is not a god; I want them to make that decision on their own. I am just afraid my (future) wife would continually try to sway them in one direction. I do agree with doula. I think it would be best if we told our kids. "this is what mommy believes, and this is what daddy believes, you're free to make your own decision."

Like every other conflict in a relationship, I guess communication is key.

Fr_Chuck · May 14, 2011, 12:05 PM

Sorry but if a person is a real believer, ( not just claims to be a Christian) For a Catholic, they will believe anyone not "saved" will go to hell, and to be honest for a parent to accept their child is loss to all eternity would not be acceptable at all.

As a Christian and Catholic, they would in my opinion if they had real belief in their faith, not only want but demand their kids be baptised as a infant, and attend Church with mom when she goes.

You would basically be and feel left out of a large part of their weekend activity.

JudyKayTee · May 14, 2011, 12:15 PM

Originally Posted by 411Help

Thank you all for your responses. I do not want to tell my kids that there is or is not a god; i want them to make that decision on their own. I am just afraid my (future) wife would continually try to sway them in one direction. I do agree with doula. I think it would be best if we told our kids. "this is what mommy believes, and this is what daddy believes, you're free to make your own decision."

Like every other conflict in a relationship, i guess communication is key.

Disagree - children need direction and guidance. They don't need to hear "I think this and Mommy thinks that and you decide on your own." If you are afraid (your word) that your future wife would be going against your wishes, trying to "sway" your children you have trust issues and the marriage is not going to work.

If you can't communicate, can't agree, well, then the marriage is a mistake. I agree with FrChuck - if your future wife believes the only path to Heaven is through the Catholic Church she is going to believe her children are damned.

All religion aside - I was raised Roman Catholic; my late husband was a practicing Orthodox Jew, went to Hebrew School. We NEVER had a problem over religion, never. He was a good, moral man, we had very much the same values and standards, religion was not a problem.

411Help · May 14, 2011, 12:21 PM

JudyKayTee, do you have children?

JudyKayTee · May 14, 2011, 01:01 PM

Originally Posted by 411Help

JudyKayTee, do you have children?

Five stepchildren. One male; four female. Why?

If this is going in the "what would I have done" direction my interest is/was that children have a religious base and grow up to be good people (whatever that means). I don't care about any specific religion. If my late husband and I had had children they would not have been considered Jewish because I (the mother) was not Jewish but it would have been my husband's preference that they be raised in the Jewish faith.

His Jewish faith was much stronger than my Catholic faith.
I raised my niece for a number of years - but she obviously isn't my child.

Wondergirl · May 14, 2011, 01:02 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

You would basicly be and feel left out of a large part of their weekend activity.

He can't go with them to church and to church-sponsored activities?

Being an atheist means you don't believe in a god. It doesn't mean you throw out everything related to a god and religion.

JudyKayTee · May 14, 2011, 01:12 PM

My bigger concern is your age - you were 16 in 2009 (when you posted about having a child), 18 today. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/teens/...ve-303617.html.

You were taking someone to Las Vegas and giving financial support when you were 15 or 16. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...er-296728.html

Something in this scenario, when your various threads are read together, does not make sense to me. Just a feeling -

NeedKarma · May 14, 2011, 01:15 PM

Originally Posted by 411Help

I do not want to tell my kids that there is or is not a god; i want them to make that decision on their own

That's exactly what we are doing. It's amazing how religion or the issue of gods doesn't even register on a child's radar unless an adult tells them about it. They are perfectly happy living their formative years without knowing any of that. During the important 0-5 years a parent can show show a child what is proper manners, help them learn to talk and have a love of books all without the need for religion to get involved.

Wondergirl · May 14, 2011, 01:28 PM

Originally Posted by NeedKarma

That's exactly what we are doing. It's amazing how religion or the issue of gods doesn't even register on a child's radar unless an adult tells them about it.

I agree, but unless you live in a cave in Tora Bora, your child is going to hear the word "god" and will ask you about it. Then what?

And there will be all sorts of well-meaning people milling about who will ask your child about prayers or God or church or Sunday School or even baptism. You won't necessarily be handy to ask.