[jennyboo700]

I'll try to make this as simple as possible but I could probably go on forever... alright well my boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. We are in our mid 20's and you would think our sexual prime. Well I have always been a sexual person and I thought my boyfriend was too. In the beginning of course it was great. We had sex all the time, even explored some sexual fantasies. I would say things started to die off after a year. He started making excuses. He blamed it on his hernia and yeah that's a good excuse but that's fixed now. He also blamed it on not being happy where we lived.. blah blah blah... always something. Well here I am.. I've moved across the country to make him happy.. I take care of myself and try to be the perfect girlfriend. We are both attractive people and in the prime of our lives. Why is he no longer sexually attracted to me? I get the routine kiss goodbye and the occasional morning quicky.. and sometimes he let's me give a blow job (lucky me). I feel kind of used. I have completely stopped initiating anything because I'm tired of being rejected and why would I want to have sex with some one when they obviously don't want to have sex with me. He says I'm his world and he wants to marry me. But I don't know if I can sacrifice intimacy for the rest of my life. Sorry this is so long but I need some help here..

[CravenMorhead]

So... have you talked to him about it? Besides just listening to his excuses? Does he know how and why you are feeling the way you are? What I am getting at is that you need to sit him down and figure out why his libido is so low.

How is his stress level? What is his job like? Is he exhausted? How is his health? Drug abuse? Alcohol abuse? Smokes? How well do your schedules line up?

You already seem really jaded here and on the verge of checking out of the relationship if you haven't checked out already. Once you figure this all out, will you be willing to put in the work to fix everything? If you're not then you already know what to do.

It really might be worth it to get into couples counselling to figure out this problem. There might be something in the relationship that is causing him grief and killing his libido off.

Long story short, there is a lack of communication here and the results are showing up in your bedroom. Fix that and see where it will all go.

[martinizing2]

Craven covered quite a few good points so I'll just add that it would be a good idea for him to get a physical .

I think that is always a good place to start , after communication.
That should have been going on all the time but I seem to think you haven't been doing it to the extent it takes to really know each other.
And it is essential to have a strong and lasting relationship.

[jennyboo700]

Thank you for responding.. and I know I do sound jaded and ready to be out but I'm still willing to try. I know communication is key and we have had plenty of sit downs. I have expressed my feelings in written form, face to face, I've read relationship books and asked him to read them as well. I've threatened leaving more than once and got the same response. He promises to change and if I'm lucky it lasts a week. The problems go a little beyond the bed room. I'm very affectionate and he isn't in the least bit. And the bitter side of me can't help but to take note of how often he doesn't kiss me, doesn't have sex with me, doesn't touch me period! I'm a woman with needs! Why doesn't he have these needs?
Stress.. he doesn't have anything to stress about except for me. We just moved across the country together because he hated where we lived. Now he's happy with his job, happy with where we live. We get along in his eyes. We have great conversations, hang out all the time, and have a really good time. It's like I've become his friend. Well I don't want marry my friend! I need more than good times and good conversation! I need intimacy and affection!
Is this just what happens in a relationship after a while? The sex and passion all but disappear? Sex is only had because his body is telling him that he needs a release?
Well I need to feel wanted.. desired.

And to answer any other questions: there isn't a drug problem or drinking problem. He doesn't smoke and he's healthy.. had a check up not too long ago.
There isn't another woman or man.. I trust him completely.
There is no porn addiction.. he doesn't watch it... he doesn't masturbate either. When he needs a release my mouth will do or a morning quicky with no other touching will do.
Sex has just become completely unimportant to him.

[CravenMorhead]

To be blunt, and judging from the evidence you have provided, you have really provided the answer to your problem. He isn't committed to change or really wants to change. You have threatened him with just about everything. People change and relationships change. Most, if not all, have a best before date.

Just a side note, if you need to threaten anyone with anything then you're doing something wrong or things have gone REALLY sideways.

Now comes the time to decide whether you want to live with this. You have already figured out that he doesn't want to change. So... now what? It isn't a binary choice but you can either go for counselling or leave him. There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time.

I wish I had better advice for you. Good Luck.

[jennyboo700]

Thank you Craven... I guess I really do know the answer to my problem... sure he wants to change only because he doesn't want to lose me. If I didn't complain then he would think things were perfect. Maybe this is his idea of how a relationship should work... but I don't. So now I have a decision to make. Do I continue with this relationship and keep putting my needs aside? Or do I move on and try to find someone that loves the way I do? This hard for me because in every other aspect of the relationship he is perfect. I know he loves me very much but knowing isn't enough.. I need him to show it. So what do I do? Stay with him because it's the safe thing to do? Or risk it all? Sometimes I think I'd rather be sorry than safe :(

[Synnen]

Please remember that people communicate love in very different ways. There's a great book out there about it--"The Five Love Languages"--and I highly recommend it.

That being said, PART of the issue is different sex drives. It's not that he doesn't love you--he expresses it differently than you do, and doesn't recognize how you need it to be expressed, but that's not the issue. The issue is that he doesn't want or need sex as often as you do.

I'm the person with the lower drive in my relationship. Frustrates my husband to no end, because I'm pretty satisfied with sex once a month or so. He'd have it once an HOUR if he had his way. It took a LOT of talking, a LOT of compromise, and some counseling to be able to communicate on the right level with each other--and to understand that neither of us is WRONG, just different. He had to realize that my drive was absolutely no reflection on how sexy he was to me, or how I felt about him--he had to stop letting it affect his self esteem. On the other hand, I had to realize that he needed more physical affection, and force the mood upon myself more often. That's hard to do---REALLY hard to do.

I really suggest you get couples' counseling so you can learn to communicate on the same level AND so that you can BOTH recognize that each of your ways of thinking is correct and right---but different from each other. You also need a third party to help you find ways to communicate somewhere in the middle and make that work.

Good luck.

[jennyboo700]

Thank you Synnen.. I have read The Five Love Languages.. awesome book!! It did put a lot of things into perspective. I realize that my primary language is physical touch and its very dominant. His primaries are words of affirmation and acts of service. Physical touch was at the bottom of his list.
Well I started practicing techniques from the book. I started speaking his love language to the best of my abilities. It has been several months and no change on his part. I'm doing all this work and he is happy because his love tank is full. Mine on the other hand is full of pain and resentment. I try to be the best girlfriend possible! I can recognize the things he does to show that he loves me, like cooking and helping me clean, but it doesn't mean the same to me. Just like sex and physical touch doesn't mean the same thing to him as it does to me. That fact crushes me.

[Synnen]

Have you TOLD him that you NEED him to do these things?

Have you asked him to read the book for the sake of your relationship?

Of course I don't expect you to do it alone. But if you don't TELL him, flat out, that you are unhappy because of lack of trying--CONSISTENTLY trying--on his part, he may not even know.

My husband was ready to leave me, and I didn't even realize anythign was WRONG.

So you need to talk, talk seriously, and be BLUNT about it--and let him know that this is the LAST chance, and stick to it.

[jennyboo700]

Yes I have explained things to him.. I asked him to read the book and he did but not all of it. He stop right before the physical touch chapter. I asked him to finish it but if I mention it he gets mad. I'm tired of arguing so I just keep my mouth shut. I keep my mouth shut a lot these days.. maybe that's why I have resorted to seeking help from strangers.
Maybe we aren't as compatible as we thought. Maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe I should just take what I can get... I tell myself these things and I try to push my feelings aside.. I mean it could be worse, right? But myself esteem is suffering, I cry when I'm alone, and I just don't feel like myself.

[Synnen]

If you are not fulfilled in your relationship, then you need to either:

1. Leave the relationship
2. Accept the relationship is not going to change
3. Drag your significant other to counseling. If he will not go, you have to resort to options 1 or 2.

If he's not unhappy, he won't change. End of story. You can't MAKE him change. And if he won't try to make you happy, he's not the one for you.

[jennyboo700]

Thanks for everything... getting an outside opinion really helps.. now I just have a really difficult conversation ahead of me

[EmbracingPose]

You are not married to this man; you can leave if you want to. Some men blame this on masturbation, others might be cheating... other may NOT have an extremely high drive. When did things change?

[CravenMorhead]

...

Did you read more then jusst the title of the post? It states when things changed.

As well there isn't really any evidence of cheating. I am not sure if you read enough of this thread to deduce that. We men all cheaters either.

I hope I didn't misread your post.

As well I think you should contemplate your posts here a little more before pressing the send button.

[JudyKayTee]

You are not married to this man; you can leave if you want to. Some men blame this on masturbation, others might be cheating...other may NOT have an extremely high drive. When did things change?

Please - you keep answering without reading what has been posted. Please read the question and the previous answers before responding.

[jennyboo700]

Well I have an update... and you might have guessed its not good news (or maybe it is). I let a few more days go by and tried a little bit of experimenting... just trying get a reaction. I've pretended to be happy and play the part he wants me to play. I was thinking if I didn't cause any problems I might be able to get some things I wanted. Well it didn't work.
We even went to dinner last night. We had some wine and then we went home. We watched TV and talked most of the night. Things were going great even though there was no kissing or cuddling. I even tried to seduce him... with out success of course. He ended up just kissing me on the forehead and going to bed.
Once again I was crushed... so I decided it was time to say something. If a great night with some wine and seduction didn't work then nothing will. Well I went in the bedroom and asked him how he thought things were going with us. He said "great" of course. So I told him how I felt and that we were probably better off as friends. He got mad and said some hurtful things. He just doesn't understand. He thinks I'm just focusing on the sex part... but its really about being wanted. If he's just going to treat me like a friend instead of a girlfriend then that's what he'll get.
Its not like things are going to change that drastically. We will still hang out like we do now and we still live together. I will just be sleeping in the other room. But as friends I won't be stressing so much about the things he doesn't do... and I won't be so disappointed all the time.
Maybe this will be a wake up call for him and maybe he will makes some changes. Or maybe we will find out if we are better off as friends.
In the meantime, I'm going to take some time for myself... do some things I want to do. I've got a new job and lots of new people to get to know.
Thanks again for all of the responses :)

[CravenMorhead]

Just a note, it might be worth it to move out. Things can get tense and possibly harmful if you don't. Especially with the tendencies of this person.

It is your choice, but I would seriously consider it.

[jennyboo700]

Thanks for the concern but I will be fine. He would never harm me physically. The mental harm was unintentional. I think things will be better this way. And I can't move out anyway.. I'm in a new town and my friends and family are a thousand miles away. It will take some time but I'll save up some money and eventually get my own place if that's what it comes to.

[CravenMorhead]

EmbracingPose does not find this helpful : Let the recipient answer; thanks.

I got a story about a pot and a kettle. I think you might have heard it before.

Have you read the rules of the site? Really? Are you just being the voice of chaos and discord here? Stop. Really. Just stop.

[JudyKayTee]

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EmbracingPose does not find this helpful : Let the recipient answer; thanks.


What does it take to get a person suspended? This is ridiculous. On every Board, handing out reddies. Either a troll or a disturbed person.