[blahhPJ]

I don't know if it's paranoia or not. But I wonder if people are reading my mind so I think thoughts trying to psych them out. Or I sometimes wonder if my parents are videotaping me in my room. And sometimes I just wonder if a couple of friends of mine are watching me when I'm in my room (second story, blinds closed, alone). But I'm also really insecure. I wonder if my friends will like, leave me behind. Some days I'm really glad I'm friends with them (not often though) while most days I want to punch them in the face. I don't really trust anyone either. I just don't like people in general because I'm afraid I will be left out and I think people are *******s. In school, I can talk to my friends and stuff, but in class I never say a word. I can't even ask questions. I don't know if it's fear or what, but I'd rather fail than ask questions in class. And the thought of seeing the teacher during lunch makes me really nervous/scared, so I don't go. I sometimes can't control my anger and I break things. It use to be a lot worse when I was younger though. I had no control at all. I have physically injured a few people when I've been angry. Sometimes I have absolutely no self-esteem at all and think I'm worthless, and other times I think I'm so much better than everyone else and that they're all shallow, dumb, etc. I can't let anything go, I hold grudges for a really long time. Years. I don't miss people either. It's like, they're gone, okay, whether they're there or not doesn't make a difference (although there are people I especially dislike or hate and want gone). This also applies to my parents, I never miss them, I don't really care. When I was younger I cared about my parents, but now it's gone. I don't know what missing them or homesickness feels like. They supply me with things I need, and do stuff for me, that's the extent of why I want them around. I can't bring myself to do anything. I use to procrastinate, but now it's awful. I will stay up until 5 in the morning to avid doing a half hour or more of work that's due that day. Sometimes I feel empty. It's like, what's the point of life. It's not even depression, it's just nothingness. But then sometimes I do get really depressed. I also cry over small things, especially embarrassment. I can't control my tears either. Although I try not to cry in front of others. Small things my friends say pisses me off or hurts my feelings. I'm really judgmental. And I always think that people are judging me. Or I wonder, what will they think if I do this (not with my friends though). So I never do anything, I try to blend in with the scenery. But when I'm with my friends I'm loud, obnoxious, etc. My anger and inability to care messes with my friendships, my fear doesn't allow me to communicate with people I'm not friends with and allow me to get help for schoolwork, my paranoia stops me from doing some things at home.

[JudyKayTee]

What, if any, avenues have you explored? Have you talked to a therapist or other professional? Have you talked to a school counsellor? A physician?

You sound so unhappy - a correct diagnosis and some appropriate treatment (which may include medication can turn your world around).

What is available to you? Do you know?

[mmresd]

You definitely have a bigger problem than the regular teenager, as to what it is and how to cure or mend it, I have no idea. I do however think it is a psychological problem though and that you should see a psychiatrist so that you can be properly diagnosed. Just in case it might develop into something worse, tell your parents so that maybe they can point you in the right direction.

Good Luck,
Javi