[eastern]

I've written about the bad marriage I'm in my relationship with my husband is over. He is incapable of any insight into his problems. I've come to terms but my kids have seen me treated very disrespectful and verbally abusive since birth they are good kids but treat me like they have seen their father. I realize he is not worth it but I know two of my kids are having a hard time thinking marriage is happy and they are damaged by how they saw their treat me. When he's not around they are caring and respectful when he is around their behavior changes they are24 31 32 33 and 35 He continues to undermine me in front of them I have no use for our relationship it's too late but how do I help my kids see how their dad's behavior in dysfunctional and unhealthy. He was also an alcoholic which changed when confronted by our kids.I want to help them without demeaning their father. Luckily I have a lot od support and good friends and family which gets me through and my faith He has no friends and his own family has nothing to do with him. Do you know how I can help my kids?

[tickle]

It seems all your children are all well into adulthood, eastern, and probably already set in their ways and it is too bad that their father has left a negative impression on them towards you. You should have seen this coming and dealt with it when they were all younger.

You don't want to demean their father?? Hasn't he demeaned you enough if this has gone on all these years? From the sound of it, he is not worthy to even be taken care of by you.

I think the time is past for you to correct any damage that has been done.

Tick

[DoulaLC]

Have you discussed it with them either collectively or one on one? Would any of them consider family counseling with you?

[eastern]

Yes I have and they are different when he's not around I think at some level they consider him fragile and too hard to be themselves and after all these years the drinking has stopped so he's some kind of hero to them I know if he weren't around a lot of feelings would surface because because they would feel safer but I've come to the point were I'am limiting my time with my kids due to verbal abuse they are all on their own so it's easier to set limits.

[eastern]

If I don't act like a mature adult with them it could hurt you can't justify bad behavior with more bad behavior

[DoulaLC]

Have you discussed the change you notice when their father is there and asked them if they realize that it is happening? You can acknowledge their love for him and understand that they may indeed feel he is fragile, but that your feelings have to be taken into account as well.

By no means should their feelings for the father result in verbal abuse to you. I would let them know that this is the reason you are limiting your time with them. Or, if you aren't comfortable with that, you could make a point of not being around at the same time as their father. Perhaps at least a few will notice.

[eastern]

This is the bext advice and it validates what I felt I should do thank you